Love is lots of things. Love goes through stages. Slowly, and fast. Peaks and valleys. Love goes through laughter and tears and smiles and ugly cries. Love is present and love can get lazy. Love can fill you up. Love can knock you down. Love, for me has become lots of things I never, ever, thought it would be.

Love is cleaning dishes.

Love is shutting the door when you brush your teeth.

Love is making the coffee.

Love is a perfectly toasted bagel.

Love is finding the toothpicks. And the syrup. And the ketchup.

Love is not screaming when a pen burst in the laundry.

Love is knowing how to get pen out of favorite clothing. (Hairspray, hi)

Love is finding out your pregnant together.

Love is boozy nights dancing by the fire on a warm autumn night.

Love is waking up with the baby.

Love is asking for help.

Love is asking for opinions.

Love is buying matching slippers.

Love is putting the baby to sleep.

Love is saving a plate.

Love is making his plate at a buffet only to find out he made the exact same plate.

Love is reading one more book.

Love is telling the same story every night.

Love is searching for new stories.

Love is not farting in front of your wife. (Thanks babe)

Love is an unexpected phone call from your best friend’s dad.

Love is not enough money in the bank, but security of not needing money because you have love.

Love is a new home.

Love is a tjx bill.

Love is long drives with no words and lots of connecting.

Love is reconnecting.

Love is making sure he feels loved.

Love is telling him you need more.

Love is best given and received.

Love is getting a giant ball of play-doh thrown at your head and not losing your shit, then actually finding it funny.

Love is humongous and overwhelming.

Love is purest from your child, and your dog. 

Love is letting go.

Love is holding on.

Love takes patience.

Love needs the water where the grass isn’t green.

Love is sometimes lost.

Love sometimes dies.

Love gives you light.

Love gives you hope.

Love makes you believe.

Love is learned.

Love is taught.

Love can be broken and abused.

Love comes out stronger.

Love can never break you without your consent. 

Love is more.

Love is bigger than you.

Love is sometimes not equal.

Love is respect.

Love is all knowing.

Love is having to say you’re sorry.

Love evolves.

Love lives on.

Love is forever changing, and growing.

Love is a legacy you build and then leave behind. 
My compilation of love comes from many sources. I know I blessed to be able to say that. I have been on the receiving end of love and I’m always on the giving end. I realize now that love is my language, my religion, my belief. Love is always an option somewhere for me. Even when I think it’s absolutely nowhere, love shows up. Love comes from myself, my father, my husband, my son. My sister and brother. My. Sweet. Mother. I hope to always feel the love I have in my heart in all its different ways. I want to spread love in everything I do. I want you to feel this love today, too 👑

Welllll, we turned our heat on two nights ago. Because WINTEMBER IS HERE! Just kidding! There is zero excitement for the cold except for the couple days it’s actually weather perfection! Where you can mix dresses and boots and sweaters and dark ass jeans by morning but by noon you are withering away into a sweaty mess 🙂 no but seriously. Fall fashion is my fav fav favorite season to dress. The plaid, the flannels, the booties, excuse me, shabooties as Rita always called them 🙂 the floral prints, the touches of harvest and Halloween. God it is more magical I think than Christmas! Although my love for sequins all days is strong, December takes the sequins cake.
Ugh I digress. Ok. I have to say it. It’s sad that we live in a society/world that we have to fear speaking our minds. That someone (read everyone) will take offense. Be it that I want to talk about why I like Trump, or why I hate Trump, I should be allowed to say it! We still do live in that country right?! I thought freedom of speech was still one of my rights! And yes I know it is but not without the cost of a thousand opinions and other free thoughts trying to belittle my very own. Lucky for you that’s about all I’ll say about politics EVER. Because that’s just not me.

What I will always talk about is being better, and doing better especially when you KNOW better. And if you are reading this, I hope by now you know better.

Buuuuut, if ya don’t, lemme school you real quick. (God! Rita is falling out of my mouth today)

These are some things that set you apart as a fantastic adult – loving your children more than you love yourself. Not blaming other people or things for your daily attitude. Helping someone without expecting any help in return. Giving, be it your time, your love, or a bag of clothes, just give and feel how good it feels. Being present. Put your damn phone down and look at your child!!! Or your husband, or your plate of food without snapping it or instagramming it. Being diverse, even if it’s with the dinner you are preparing, your husband will love you for it and your tastebuds will thank you! Doing something out of your box every week, for me this week it will be returning to the gym – the Y, which I couldn’t be more excited for. Asking for help!!! Ask your dad to watch your baby and plan a spontaneous date night with your boo. ((Hello Blake SHELTON Thursday!)) Which brings me to my next idea, being spontaneous! Make dinner and then make reservations, it’s almost like two indulgences of free treats in one! Save the prepared dinner for Friday night and pop out for pizza midweek! It’s ok to step outside our CZ. 

In fact we as women need that, thrive on that, live for that, and then, say it with me, we are BETTER because of it!! Better wives, mothers and coworkers. Ok, more things that make you a fantastic adult – support your friends. Just do it! If one of your sisterfriends is having a horrible week, bring that betch a bottle of her favorite wine, leave it on her doorstep because you can totally afford to do it. Actually, I bet a bottle of wine is probably in your pantry right now, and you have 10 minutes to go out of your way at least one day this month, and, bonus! You can leave your kids in the car when you run up to her door 🙂 She’ll be surprised and delighted and won’t mind that you’re not staying to drink it with her! Don’t wanna bring her wine? Then support her small business! Buy the rustic sign/headband/tummywrap/young living oils/facecream or go and get your hair done by her. And when you’re doing business with her, treat her like the hard working, ass-busting professional she is! Don’t ask for a discount, don’t expect a discount, and maybe even give her a little extra because, well she’s your GIRL  and you should want to help women in small business! Don’t have any friends like this? (Lies, we all have a friend like this) then send her a good old fashion piece of snail mail. Or bake her a pie. Oh hell, buy her a pie since I can already hear the scoffing about pie baking. Just support your fellow woman! If we can’t have eachother’s backs then what the hell are we even doing? We are mothers and wives. Daughters of great women. Aunts to precious little girls and boys. We are shaping the f’ing future. More is more. Compliments, little gestures, little tokens of love become the most special and rare treasures in this world. And you know what will feel so much better than being lucky enough to receive one of these R.A.O.K? MAKING THEM HAPPEN. Being the one to make shit happen. Being the change we all can agree needs to happen in this scary world. And fine, if you can’t think of one girl in your life that you want to be a part in bettering her day, buy a box of donuts and bring them to your nearest construction site. Too lazy for that? Buy a coffee for the person behind you in line. 

Just stop! Stop being complacent, silent, entitled, booooring, self righteous or lazy. 

I like to think I’m gaining this unapologetic approach to life. I know I have my mother behind me pushing me forward, and making me speak up for myself. And making me not tone who I am down. And I love her for that. This life is a different world for me now. Some days it still sucks that I don’t have a mom. But I walk through every day watching how others live, and realize that however much we once butt heads, I respect my mom for raising me right. Come to think of it, my mom lived every day like it was her last. She loved with every ounce of her being. She spoke her mind, said inappropriate things, stirred the pot, and shot straight from the hip. She wore her heart on her shirt sleeve and had loyalty to her family like no other. Her relationships were paramount, the utmost important thing to her. The way she gave love is unmatched by anyone I know. 

She taught me to respect my elders, “I’m the mother that’s why” 

How to not eat like a fat ass “Brianna is that you in the pantry again?” 

And how to love. “I do it because I love you” 

I’ll forever miss being raised by her through my adult years. She was the kitchen commander and the best teacher of love, and of respect. 

So maybe I’m saying be more like Her. Because she was pretty fucking great 🙂 

You’re allowed to be a mess in front of people who truly love you. It’s ok to fall apart in front of people who know how to put you back together. It’s in the nature of some to hate on others successes, don’t let them into your life, and do not let them bring you down. if you’re lucky, you have a few humans who actually know what empathy is, and when you have friends and family who lay down beside you when you’re down, you’re higher in that moment then ever before, because you have them and they have you. Life is hard enough. If there are people who make it harder, learn the lesson they’ve been sent to teach you, and move along. Sometimes it’s necessary to love from a distance. It’s just as necessary to let go of grudges. Boundaries are the outline of love. Love is the heart of everything that matters. The littlest tiniest bit of love can go so far, so why not spread that. 
#endofseasons #newbeginnings #wisdom #openminded #speakyourtruth

Fridays come in like a punch to the gut. Like a wrecking ball. Like a dark heavy cloud. I start the day off, two feet out of the bed, down to start the coffee, and then after that, some days it’s a mess. It’s tears and weird sounds and breathing that hurts. It’s trying so hard not to call my dad, because he could be having a good day, a good moment. It’s people asking me to do things and me panicking at not knowing how to tell them I just can’t commit to anything because this is all too much. The very nothingness of someone’s former constant presence is ALL. TOO. MUCH. 
Today is a hard day. I thought to myself yesterday how I haven’t cried in a few days, that I hadn’t felt that heavy cloak of heartbreak. That maybe I’m turning a corner. And here I sit today in pajamas still, trying to figure out what exactly I’m doing. I’m texting with my sisterwife and she is doing an excellent job of listening and saying exactly the right things. Which is telling me I’m ok, and it’s ok to be sad, and that I’m worth it all. I’m crying while texting and my loving little boy is moving my hair out of my face and telling me “look mommy, the sunshine is out don’t cry!” Am I ruining him? It’s my new greatest fear. Is too much of a sad mom a bad thing? I think so; though I’d rather have a sad mom than no mom. 
Ugh. It’s all falling down today. And people try to keep me busy which is just so sweet and on a surface level so so helpful. Until it’s not. Because keeping busy just prolongs the being alone part. And as much as the being alone, or feeling alone in a house full of people still feels like the loneliest thing I could think of; I still must feel this lonely feeling until it lessens, because that is how grief works. Because people who want me to be numbing my pain with Zoloft just saves me my pain for later, when I least expect it, and likely won’t want it or even have a clue of how to handle it then. Because I don’t know how to handle it now. But people are “more understanding” now. And by more understanding I mean not very understanding at all. So I just invite the pain now, because I don’t want to be like this forever. So I’ll skip the busy, and I’ll certainly skip the fucking Zoloft, thanks. 
I am a walking, living, working, breathing, grieving person who has to still be a mom, a professional, a wife, a daughter and a sister. I try to stay strong and give every last ounce of my happiness out to everyone. I try to understand that even though I may not be having a good day, Allie and Chris are, so I have to be strong for myself those days. I am the personification of these here quotes ~ “don’t judge her, you have no idea what storm God asked her to walk through” – “never look down on anyone unless you’re helping them up.” And all of us, collected as a human race should be kind and gentle to whoever we come in contact with. Thanks everyone for bearing with me through the very darkest time in my life. If I sound unlike my regular pleasant and happy go lucky self, I know. Please don’t point it out. I’m trying to steady my footing on this gigantic mountain that has been placed on my path. 

Today I’m missing all the things that only you could say to make me feel better. To make me feel right. Or tell me when I was wrong, but you still love me more anyway 💙

Can anybody tell me again why we all wanted to grow up so bad? Because when I was little? I still had a mom. And I didn’t know what anxiety was. I never needed a sleeping pill or an artillery of retaliation quips ready for everyone’s unwanted/unnecessary/unwarranted comments, advice, and opinions. I didn’t say prayers for more than a few minutes when I was little, now I can’t get through my long laundry list of worries and wishes without falling asleep with a little nudge from said sleeping pill. (Disclaimer, I haven’t turned to pills for any other reason since my mom has passed, not even a handy dandy Xanax, #gome #grievinggood) Last time I checked THIS, is modern day adulthood, or “adulting” as the kids call it. 
Sometimes I just want to throw a chair out the window and not worry about the glass shattering, or the chair breaking, or worrying that my husband may check me into four winds if I did so. But sometimes four winds sounds like a grand and glorious fucking vacation from this world. I don’t throw the chair, because normally a pedicure or a trip to express does the trick for my decompressing after a difficult day. Difficult days are also a far cry from what they used to be. My biggest concern in highschool was what song I was gonna play in the parking lot leaving school my senior year. My biggest concern after that was who was gonna chalk my ID for whatever Troy bar we were definitely getting into that night. 
We live in a time where everyone is an automatic expert in EVERYTHING because they can use google. Comments have ruined the Internet. Husbands sometimes turn down sex. People say rude things. Sometimes you feel like calling into work. You expect everyone to be well mannered, motivating, caring, independent, strong minded, empathetic, loving people who encourage their fellow human to be virtually GOOD, and kind. Then there are the meangirl (or guy) type and what I like to refer to as hyenas that need to be re-acclimated to the real world, and reminded of their responsibility to the human race. What happened to women empowering women? (We should be more like men) What happened to being genuine? What is normal?? Why are there people out there being callous and rude and always needing to be the one upper and or know-it-all in your family or group? God I am SICK of it. And another little shoutout to my mom for being the woman who raised me to be who I am. Everything she was and everything she wasn’t made me who I am and damn, am I happy God picked her to raise me.
I think I’m a pretty well rounded, empathetic and caring person. My intentions are always 100% genuine and I try to live a life I’m proud of. I use my manners, I compliment, and I praise. If someone is near me and they are crying, you can bet your bottom dollar I’m crying too. I like to do my best every day and make someone (everyone) around me happy. Sometimes, people don’t like confident people, and that’s ok. It’s not about them. Some, less evolved/low vibration people think that by trying to rain on your parade, other people won’t want to be part of the attraction that is you. 
………. (I find this to be) WRONG! Try again. What’s the saying? Something about trying to dull someone’s light won’t make yours shine any brighter? Bingo, my friends. Bingo. 

Being a grown up is awesome. It’s rewarding, it’s vacations with my family. It’s money in the bank account and sometimes splurging on a new Michael Kors. Being a grown up also sucks. It’s challenge after challenge, it’s a vacation without my mom, it’s money spent on necessity rather than a want. 
It can get pretty messy up here in grownup land. All of it. The friendships, the bedtime routine, the bank account, the sex life. And I’m ok with it. I’m ok with putting it all out there because I’m a human, just trying to get through this wonderful, tragic season of my life called 32. It helps to know someone in this life is feeling what I’m feeling. Understands how I understand. And wishes we didn’t spend the easier times hoping to be grown ups one day.