Last night I couldn’t sleep so I was cleaning up my phone. Ever do that? Delete aps I haven’t used, unsubscribe to some emails, remove multiples of the same picture, delete my browser history. And delete some text messages. Oh the text messages. I scrolled down all the way to June. I realized there were some texts I never even answered. Texts telling me how much I was loved and if there was anything to be done please reach out. If you need anything, please call. Praying for you. And the last contact at the very bottom of my text messages read “Mama 👑❤️” as soon as I saw her name my chest got hot and tears just filled up and fell out of my eyes. 
I tortured myself more and read the entire conversation. There’s not much to report except it’s still not easy. Yes, the days I cry now have more days in between them, but the hurt still lives inside my bones. I miss being loved by my mom. Because nobody walking this earth loved me quite like she did. My heart is a hollowed out egg shell held together with tissue paper, and today it’s wide open. 
This morning I had the moment from last night carry over and couldn’t help but cry when I said my daily “morning mommy” and then Mav goes and stands next to her picture and yells “Gagaaaa” at it. I sat on the couch and continued to sniffle and try to hide my tears when Mav comes over to me, puts his hand on my knee and says “Why you crying mom” and I said “I just miss Gaga” and he said “it’s alright mom, take a deeeeep breath wike dis” then dramatically but effectively breathes with purpose. 
Thankful for him. Every. Damn. Day. 
Also, as I’m here typing and getting over my 9 o’clock sad fit, the sun is actually dancing around the window panes just trying to touch my face with all its golden delight. 
So if you’re hurting, or if you’re stressed. Back it up, slow down. And take a deep breath. Like this ✨