It’s November 1st. And my heart is inching closer to a holiday season where it may actually forget how to beat. The first holiday season I won’t have the best woman I know by my side. Asking me to shop every Monday. When my bank account said no, Rita always said “oh just come I’ll buy you a pressie!” And buy she did. 
Ugh. November. One of my favorite months opened my eyes up this morning with its 8:30am sunshine through my blind-less windows. And another month will roll in where every Friday makes me feel heavy and on the 24th I will surely sob. And then again on Thanksgiving. Oh God. Is that the same day? Oh fuck. I just checked. And it is. Well. On the fifth month without my mother, I will be looking at a plate full of food in her kitchen with my dad and sister and maybe my brother, surely without an appetite, crying until it’s over. This is one of the days I do see coming, but the stress and sadness in preparing is more than overwhelming.

Truth be told I hate who I am lately. I am an ugly, pessimistic, miserable version of the happy person, mother, wife/daughter/sister I once was. I’m deep down in the trenches of my sadness, at war with the day to day mundaneness. I’m trying to climb my way out of this ugly hole. And I know one day, the hole will be filled in, behind me, and because I’m not drinking, smoking, or taking any pills for my sadness, I know this hole will be filled in correctly, in the measure of time it’s meant to be filled, and I may even plant a shitload of flowers on top of this ugly fucking hole because it will certainly need some prettying up. Or a tree. Or an entire garden. I’ve never dreaded a holiday season before, or a winter before, quite. like. this. But I will go on because I am strong. Even when I don’t feel it. Even when nobody treats me differently because of what I am treading through. People ask questions on how I am, or what my plans for the holidays are and I am so lack luster that most people don’t even respond back. It’s ok. And it’s not you, it’s me, I know. Ugh. This post wasn’t supposed to take that turn but it did. At any rate, my mother I know is trying so hard to get through to me telling me “babygirl, you’re gonna be fine.” And I’m trying, so with her spirit alive in what little light I have right now, I’m going to spend November trying to rewire my thought process. I am a thankful person with a grateful heart that is beating with the weight of the world sitting on top of it, but beat it will. This post is to remind everyone what being thankful is all about.

I plan to spread thankfulness and gratitude this holiday season even if it hurts. I promise to show how grateful I am for everything and every one I do have. All the great things that money just cannot buy. I promise to post from my highlight reel but keep it real inside these blogs. 

Today I am thankful for being raised right, and grateful that I know I’ve made my parents so proud up until this point, and hope to instill in my son exactly what they have embedded in me. Today my wish for whoever is reading this is that your heart is always full, your mind is calm, and your spirit full of light; never to hurt or carry hurt that you don’t need to. 

Happy thirty days thankful month.

So what do you do when the person who loved you the hardest, isn’t here anymore. How do you cry and then feel better? How can you go to bed each night knowing her text will never come, ever again. What do you do when you realize the bad times you had together don’t even come to light because the great times truly outshine them all. How do we go through scary things without our rock physically here helping us and being our strength? Man. They say time heals but I feel like my heart got ripped out of my chest today. Just an ordinary Friday and I’m sitting at the kitchen table with zero appetite sobbing and feeling sorry for myself. I know she’s all around me, but I also know my grief blocks me from feeling so much. So i cry. Even if for no other reason except I just fucking really miss my mom. 
We need eachother. All of us. So much. And sometimes we’d rather be hard asses and selfish and just say we don’t when in reality, we really do. Who wants to go through this life alone? Not me. Not ever. My mom had to go through so much and though she had us surrounding her, I realize how often she had sacrificed in her life and how many times she probably felt so alone. That hurts my heart. I just hope she never felt alone at the very bitter end. I hate feeling alone or lonely. Not that I don’t love my alone time because boy do I ever. But my dad? The loneliness? he must be suffocated by it. He breaks my heart every day. I can see it in his eyes, I can hear it in his voice, I can feel it when I hug him. The flavor of life has a definite blandness since she’s been gone. And nobody can taste it like he can.

It’s inside moments like this that make me feel like I’m right back at day 1. And I’m not even sure which day 1. Day 1 of finding out my mom was being rushed to the hospital? Day 1 of her not being able to speak? Day 1 of a life here without her? Day 1 of searching my brain for my earliest memories with her? I just don’t know. 
What I do know is that we are all too proud and too boastful in our opinions. I know that sometimes we don’t know how to be vulnerable without being rude. We don’t know how to say “hey you hurt me so I’m sad” instead of “hey you hurt me so I’m gonna be an asshole and throw you out.” We keep that inside and shield ourselves with a hard exterior. Why is it so hard to admit when we are hurting? Why can’t we just let the defenses fall to the floor and let the innocent and raw feelings of being hurt or vulnerable ring out without pain and defense? Feeling all of this is so important to our evolution here on earth. As one and for all. 
I’m just so sad and sick over all the bad news. The jabs. The passive aggressiveness. The people who try to take advantage yet are never called out. Why is it the people who think they’re so wonderful are actually the shitttiest? I just wish there was a way to strip everyone down and remind us all that our opinions are little tiny insignificant pieces to our human puzzle. That is it. No one person is better than another. Nobody means more than somebody else. A loss is a loss and if it’s something you’re going through then it is the worst case scenario for you right now. A divorce doesn’t trump a death doesn’t trump a miscarriage doesn’t trump not being able to have babies doesn’t trump arguing with a family member doesn’t trump being unemployed. We are all in this together. And at the very end, none of the bullshit matters. And there is SO MUCH bullshit. Love the people who fill you up, make you happy, call to check on you. And honestly, if there is someone who you wish would, how bout you make an effort with them instead. And if you’re done with someone? Just be done, move on, and let them move on too. Life is too damn short and it shouldn’t be this hard. Marriages begin and sometimes people just let them end. Taxes are paid every year. Elections are always going to bring out the worst in people. Babies are born into this world every second while someone is taking their last breath. So let’s all promise to stop being so careless with our feelings. Let’s stop being careless with love, money, respect and support. The world would be a much happier place if we could all just be a little bit better, and a little more gentle at times. 

Last night I couldn’t sleep so I was cleaning up my phone. Ever do that? Delete aps I haven’t used, unsubscribe to some emails, remove multiples of the same picture, delete my browser history. And delete some text messages. Oh the text messages. I scrolled down all the way to June. I realized there were some texts I never even answered. Texts telling me how much I was loved and if there was anything to be done please reach out. If you need anything, please call. Praying for you. And the last contact at the very bottom of my text messages read “Mama 👑❤️” as soon as I saw her name my chest got hot and tears just filled up and fell out of my eyes. 
I tortured myself more and read the entire conversation. There’s not much to report except it’s still not easy. Yes, the days I cry now have more days in between them, but the hurt still lives inside my bones. I miss being loved by my mom. Because nobody walking this earth loved me quite like she did. My heart is a hollowed out egg shell held together with tissue paper, and today it’s wide open. 
This morning I had the moment from last night carry over and couldn’t help but cry when I said my daily “morning mommy” and then Mav goes and stands next to her picture and yells “Gagaaaa” at it. I sat on the couch and continued to sniffle and try to hide my tears when Mav comes over to me, puts his hand on my knee and says “Why you crying mom” and I said “I just miss Gaga” and he said “it’s alright mom, take a deeeeep breath wike dis” then dramatically but effectively breathes with purpose. 
Thankful for him. Every. Damn. Day. 
Also, as I’m here typing and getting over my 9 o’clock sad fit, the sun is actually dancing around the window panes just trying to touch my face with all its golden delight. 
So if you’re hurting, or if you’re stressed. Back it up, slow down. And take a deep breath. Like this ✨