I remember being young. Living in a house with my mom and dad, my brother, and then my sister. I could walk down the hallway and find someone to hang out with, a phone conversation to eves drop in on, someone to make me a snack, or someone to come outside to rate my handstands in the pool.  

Childhood memories feel like a fever dream as an adult. It seems like a time capsule that’s buried deep in a 90’s backyard that no longer belongs to me. But I’m connected to it in every way. I can’t understand how that time frame was in the same lifetime I’m currently living out. I was little and the world was so big. My mom was here, my parents were together, and my siblings were annoying but I also loved them too.

Today will forever sit in the heart of my deepest sadness. June 24th, 2016. My mom was called home to heaven. And my life with her is beginning to feel like that same fever dream. I wasn’t super anxious during the day the last few days, but night time’s been hard. I’ve learned to stop looking at Facebook memories during the month of June if I want a fighting chance of enjoying my days. But night time when the darkness settles in, and the house is quiet, and I can think of any and all the things I want, she comes to the forefront of my brain. The edges of my heart tingle, and produce a sadness that inches its way up into my throat, and the tears come rolling down. Hot tears, heavy anxiety, and not wanting to accept hugs from anyone I love as to not transfer any of my inside feelings onto them. But they hug me anyway, like the people who love you do. And the hugs breathe strength back into my bones, and my tears were recognized, and the heaviness is lifted. 

I went to a funeral earlier in the year. A friend’s mom passed away and I feel a personal responsibility to attend. Because when my mom died, the people that showed up for me made me realize that’s just what you do. It was there in that church, I realized I could still sit and cry about my mom for hours. And I did. When someone talks about their struggles or greatest sadness, I always think of my mom and I can always relate to their pain. A superpower I wish I didn’t have.

This year truly didn’t feel as bad as it usually does – approaching this day. Many people only remember the first year. But when you’re the owner of the grief, there is no forgetting. June will always be such a bittersweet month for me for so many reasons. So much has changed in 9 years, and so much goodness has been present in my journey. I wasn’t even feeling the need to write anything but then I realized, this is what got me through for so long. I owed it to myself to keep this date alive for the sake of my healing.

Grief has given me so much. It has helped me realize what’s worth fighting for. It has helped me understand how people tick. It’s made me really steep inside a moment, knowing it’s the recipe for a memory. It’s the reason I take so many pictures. It’s the reason I stay up late and do the things I don’t want to do. It’s the reason I try to live a healthy lifestyle. It’s the reason I buy the shoes. It’s the reason I love a good theme. It’s why I’ve kept traditions alive; and made new ones too. It’s the reason I don’t save a good outfit. It’s the reason I kiss and hug everyone as much as I can. It’s the reason I’m kind to people. It’s the reason I give people the benefit of the doubt. It’s also the reason I’m protective of my peace, the people I love, and their peace. It’s the most powerful and simple perspective I have. And I have the greatest pain to thank for all of this good.

So to my mom, on her 9th year an angel: thank you. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for always believing in me. My heart is broken and so full of gratitude because you were mine. Thank you for working so hard, staying up late; and for doing it tired, pregnant, and sick. Thank you for always showing me how to live out loud. I miss you dancing in the kitchen while cooking, and singing together. Thank you for instilling such confidence and love inside me. I miss you every day, my kids talk about you on a regular basis, and we live to honor you. I love you, and mama, I still needed you 🩷👑✨

In the race to get back to normal, I feel like everyone is feeling the pull in every direction. The times we spent cherishing our families, and being worried and cautious about the unknown had us relying on the people who were present. Our inner most circle. The ones we wanted to survive with, and for.

Now that the world seems to be as back to normal as it can be, I can’t help but notice, things are not, in fact, the way they once were.

There was no guidance, no lectures, no classes on how to get back to normal. Sure, wash your hands, when you’re here it’s 6 feet but when sitting it’s 3. 14 days 10 days, no wait 5. Wear your mask but only here and not when you’re standing. It was pretty much all they cared to talk about. And blah. Blah. Blah.

But what about our heads? What about our hearts? What about our functioning skills? What about the people who loved others hard through it? What about the people who lost their jobs? Were forced to stop working, lost businesses? What about the people who said goodbye to loved ones over FaceTime and nobody even cares about that or any of the shit that came from it anymore?

Why are we all, always so damn rushed. To move on? Speaking for myself here, but honestly I’ve never felt more overwhelmed in my life. Everything feels a bit harder. More challenging. Now if you know me, you know by now I am fully aware that the world and the country and most states are still an absolute shit show, but I’m talking about the day to day inside our own homes and circles.

Waking up in a world that is so broken every day and trying to have the skills to raise happy, healthy kids with a sense of wonder and happiness, seems impossible. Every day it’s something else that we have to add in to do. Shit, even as a woman I’m supposed to have a perfect body, a perfect home, my kids in matching pajamas for every holiday, make a ton of money, and throw Pinterest worthy parties on my day off. On top of that I’m supposed to drink half my body weight in water, 3 glasses of milk from my local farmer, and only wash my body and my laundry with organic products because literally everything is killing us.

I’m tired. There I said it. And I know you are too. In the world of social media and comparing and all that, I am blissfully and respectfully bowing out. I always thought I wanted the Chip and Jojo worthy kitchen – and turns out I identify more with the people who have chickens in their kitchen instead. I get it, we are all doing the best we can but the best doesn’t need to be perfect. The thought of being perfect is an end game goal, and I’m nowhere close to the end. So I’ll just keep doing life, with the fun, the adventures and the messes along the way to this “perfect” I see online. One day I will be able to look back on this time and say I mainly controlled the chaos, but when the chaos controlled me – It didn’t break me. It redirected me.

There are people out there going through some heavy, heavy shit. Divorce. New diagnoses. Heartbreak. Lives of solitude. Grieving. The loss of a loved one, a job, a marriage. And worse. Then there is war and inflation, food and formula shortages and farmers facing hardship. There are so many horrible things that go on in this world every second and I didn’t even touch on the worst ones. And yet, people are still too guarded to lend a word or a hand in help. Let these people know that new things can be scary, but also be beautiful. That if they have to battle something, they’ll never have to go it alone. Be a lamp, a lifeboat or a ladder, because that’s what we all need. To strip it back down to the fundamentals of what humans are here for!

So as usual, my message is simple. Our language IS love. We all need to share it a little more than we do. What are we all so scared of? Love is the closest thing we have to magic, so why don’t we just let it out? Be kind to yourself. Love yourself. Be kind to and love your neighbor. Love your siblings. Go for a walk with your mom after work if you’re lucky enough to do that. Hug your babies. Hug yourself. Be with the people who make you feel nice inside. Seriously, waaaaay more of that. I met a new friend last year who said to me “I’ll hang out every day if you want to, I just adore you” and I loved that so much because why do we need to starve ourselves of feeling those connections? Those instant clicks? Those forever friends you never knew until now!! I could go on, but really we just need to be nice; and think twice and maybe even three times before we judge or act or speak. People are spent. Let’s collectively sigh and deposit some light back in. 👑

This week, in my mother’s honor I made the time to write this. For myself and for her and for the promise I made to myself to be a better person and live out loud, for her. The week leading up to this holiday always hurts. And I miss her no less than the first Mother’s Day I spent without her. This week, and every other week of every year, someone is facing a battle you might not understand or even notice. And this is why it’s important to always be kind. But what’s also important, is to learn and understand that it is OKAY to protect yourself in this cold world. If a vibe is off, if you find yourself questioning sincerity or have a gut feeling about something; trust that. You have to actually, especially when you have a heart of gold ☀️ Happy happy Mother’s Day to all the mamas out there doing the hard and holy work. I love being a mom so much, it’s the most amazing job in the whole world.