I was driving my husband’s pick up truck, wearing a hooded flannel listening to Miss new booty on 10, when I was inspired to write today.

I eat beef jerky for lunch and sometimes even for dinner. I homeschool my kids, I drink tea before my coffee, and I put onions in my socks when I’m sick. Sometimes I laugh out loud that I am exactly who I used to make fun of when I was young and dumb 🤦🏼‍♀️

I’ve become the opposite person 20 year old Brianna thought she wanted to be. And honestly? It’s hysterically beautiful to me. As I approach the milestone of 40, I’m overcome with gratitude. It fills my entire being with love. My life is truly smiling back at me right now. It feels kinda like the accomplishment we all aim to achieve. So excuse me for indulging in this moment. It just feels so good to be here.

I’m light in my heart, where I still get giddy for a beautiful night sky. You know the kind, where you can hear the moon speaking to you. But steady enough to know exactly who I am. I’m aware I’m too much for some people, and with that, I’ve been able to master the art of not giving a *~flying fuck~* what those people think of me.

20 year old me would pick me up screaming with excitement at how far she’s come. She’d kiss me right on my lips and say “we did it” and only she and I know exactly the weight that holds; and the millions of meanings it has 🥹

To look back on my life thus far, as I’m preparing to get to that midlife, mile marker we are told to fear, I can’t help but to pulse with pride. I’m aware that this inner dialogue I’m sharing can come across as arrogant or too confident or whatever people will feel, but I’m finally at peace with the fact that those people don’t get it yet, and that is A-OK. I’d even gently encourage you to do the work, and you can get on my level. You just have to learn how to climb. You’ll find you have to climb through wind and rain, through heartache and physical sickness. Climb through the pain. You’ll have to fall down a few times, maybe even back into the hole you started in, and with dirt in your eyes, crying out for your mom, in a dark and lonely night, you just need to stay climbing. Looking up.

Shutting the book on chapter 2023 helped me reflect, and review a few lessons I’ve learned. In forgiveness, in loving, in second chances, and in choosing me first. In learning who people are and then placing them where they belong, permanently. And sometimes that means in the past. Even when that means family. Especially when. And to be honest, it’s freeing. Some people committed long ago to misunderstanding you, and it’s not your job to explain anymore. Not your job to be the one constantly on the high road. And if you know about the high road, you know it’s a lonely place. I’ve learned most people have tunnel vision, one track minds, and unfortunately sometimes they’ll have both. It’s up to you to pay no attention to those who try to rock your world. It’s your job to keep an open mind, forgive for your own peace, accept apologies that will never be said, and move on.

The future is the place where all the beautiful seeds of yesterday and today bloom. At all different times and places, into different colors and shapes. And, a lot like love, life changes colors. If you can realize that you yourself change, then you’ll realize how many parts of your life dance in and out of this beautiful, broken rainbow. We live, we learn, we feel uncomfortable – and then we grow. And boy have I grown. 39 year old me is so proud of far I’ve come and I am so excited to celebrate another year of health, success, and happiness. I do the hard and the holy work. I cry. I fail. But then I look to the sun, and I shine.

I wish for 2024 be your best chapter yet. Remember to pray. Have the courage to manifest your deepest wishes. Stay present. Be kind. And don’t let anyone rob your peace. You worked hard for that 👑

I lost you so many times in the last 7 years.

I’ve lost you when I brought Ace and Venice home. I lost you when the babies took their first steps. I’ve lost you every Christmas morning. I’ve lost you on your birthday all over again every year. And then on mine. I lost you every time I looked at a picture of you in disbelief it was all I had left. I lost you every year at the change of the seasons. When the leaves fell to the ground. On the first snowfall. On Fourth of July. I’ve lost you so many times when I look into my children’s faces. When I look into the mirror. When I wrap presents. When I go shopping. I’ve lost you every 5 weeks in my chair at the salon. But this year.

For the first time in 7 years. I feel like I’ve found you again. And any time I’ve needed you, I have been able to find you. And for the first time in 7 years, it feels like maybe it doesn’t hurt anymore. I feel like I can feel fully happy to do the good things. To celebrate your traditions without totally missing you. I feel like my kids know who you are even though the only memories they have really belong to Maverick and me. I feel like celebrations don’t have the sting like they used to. I’m not comparing the thoughts in my head to the life playing out in front of me anymore. I’m present. I’m happy. I’m not aching for you.

For the better part of the last decade I’ve missed you in everything I do. In the memories I make. In the magic I create for my family. You are very much still alive in my heart, but where there once was a hollowing emptiness, a bright warmth pulses in its place. The love that vanished when you left the earth will never be replaced, but it doesn’t feel as hard to do the happy things anymore.

Mama, I miss you still every day. I think about you on a regular basis. I love you and appreciate you in ways I never could when you were here. But I’m ok. Your love has always been able to find me, even in my lowest moments, but your strength sits heavy in my heart, your memories dance around like lights in my mind, and your zest for living life out loud is very much alive inside the purpose of my soul. Happy 7th thanksgiving as an Angel, my beautiful, powerful mother. I still needed you, but I feel like I can finally say I’m at peace with your passing, without understanding the reason why. And I know one day all the question marks that used to burn my brain at night, will one day be answered. I love you. And you’ll still be sorely missed at the table this year 🤍

I hope if you’re reading this, you feel peace and love and true fulfillment this holiday week, and that it lives on throughout the Christmas season and into the new year.

Hug your babies. Love your husband (or wife). And try your best to place perspective where it’s needed. For years you guys have come along with me, and it’s been a long time coming for me to be able to write this blog post. Truly there were times I thought I’d never feel like this in my journey in grief. It truly wasn’t a thought that one day my grief would feel a form of closure.

I’ve worked through this for 7 years. With therapy, journaling, reading, everything to do with healing – I’ve tried it and it’s helped. This past year my health was in a bit of a trouble zone and I promised myself that I was going to wholeheartedly deep dive into healing myself, once and for all – mind body and soul. I’ve done so with with prayer, nutrition, meditation, educating myself, working out, walking, journaling, creating a sleep routine, making healthy choices that turned into habits and probably some other things I can’t think that have popped up in the process.

I feel the best I have in a long time; and I’ve seen a new light in my own eyes. I’m thankful every day for the all the different loves I get to be apart of, both giving and receiving, in my daily life. It is not lost on me how easy it is to take things in life for granted, and I try every day to see the simplicity and the beauty before me in every form.

Thank you God for a healthy family, to know what love is and what it feels like; for the fullness that is my life; and all the gifts I have that can’t be seen.

I hope you have a beautiful Thanksgiving week with the ones that fill you up. I hope your travels are blessed, and you stay safe and I hope you feel so loved 🥰

Thank you 🙏🏼

xo -B.

The change of seasons usually always reminds me of my mother. A melancholy feeling, really. But it hasn’t hit me yet. Maybe it’s the fact that the weather has been absolute summer perfection the last few days, with no end in sight. Maybe it’s because school hasn’t started just yet, or because the leaves haven’t started to change and dance their way down to the earth. Maybe it’s because we’ve been riding summer like a buckin’ bull every day of the week. Or maybe, just maybe, it’s because the load of grief has finally lessened its load.

I’d like to think it’s the latter. Saturday night, when we pulled away from the rodeo, my eyes welled up with tears. And for so many reasons why. I was so happy. I felt so grateful for going four times this summer. But I felt so sad it was over.

When we went to the rodeo for the first time, it was my husband, with his boy like love for the sport, who got us all amped up to go. The kids put their best western outfits on, and we let the night deliver us to another place and time. There’s a magical simplicity that comes with the rodeo on a Saturday night. It starts with a prayer, the national anthem, and together with strangers you’re talking to God and singing. The night wraps you up into so many emotions, and brings you back to simpler, more enjoyable times. To find a place on earth that fills your cup, and that you and your kids can enjoy together is rare these days, and I’m so happy we found the Painted Pony. I could go on about how much happiness and joy filled my heart just by witnessing my kids stomping their feet, talking to the clown, and learning their new favorite songs, all because of a little American tradition in a small town in upstate NY. Ugh. My heart 🥹

We also took a completely spontaneous trip to Florida. It was the first time Dan, the kids and I have been away together just us, as a family of five. Though Mav has been on a plane before, 2/3 kids wide eyed their way through their first ever airplane ride. We spent our days doing whatever we decided on, ate amazing food on a beautiful pier overlooking the ocean, went out to beautiful restaurants, laughed with old, forever friends and filled our cups again. This trip put the wind back in our sails, the love back in our hearts, and perspective really is quite the gift.

We came home, and kept the momentum going. Dan and I are notorious for our summer date nights. We love getting out just us two, dancing, mingling, singing, and remembering how much we really do love and LIKE eachother, still 🥰 We have so much fun falling in love all over again from time to time. When you least expect it, it happens. Marriage is hard work, every day, and we play as hard as we work. This summer was different, and for whatever reason it felt like this, I’m so thankful for that. I’m so lucky to have a husband who works just as hard as loves his family. He puts time into his kids, and the things they love, because he loves them too. He takes so much pride in our home, and we are constantly working together to keep our little sanctuary a peaceful and happy place.

We didn’t miss a beat this summer. We had late nights, lazy mornings, early mornings and truly all the things in between. Fires, s’mores, late night swims, breakfast in bed, lake days, neighborhood shenanigans, little road-trips, live music, bocce ball, couple parties, deck days and gardening.

This was the summer I started working out, meditating, walking, drinking lemon water before coffee. I invested in myself by adding discipline into my life. The feeling of being uncomfortable in my daily routine for the last few weeks, until I craved it has been amazing. I’m trying every day to become a more peaceful, calm, intentional, happy person, mother and wife. I’m so thankful to have amazing people who are so supportive of who I’m becoming, still, at age 39. I’m blessed because when I wake up, I have friends who cheer me on, clap for me, and support me in anything and every thing I do.

Tomorrow morning, we start our 5th year as a homeschool family. It has not been an easy road, nor was it the first choice, but if you know us, you know we can do anything we set ourselves up to do. My children are beautiful, intelligent, compassionate and kind. The boys are full of piss and vinegar, and also the leaders of their pack. Other moms who compliment my boys have brought smiles to my face on some of my hardest days of motherhood. My little girl is the salt of the earth. The sweetest, most thoughtful, 100% girly girl. To know my kids is to love them, and the gratitude and love that fills my heart for them is like no other feeling I can ever touch with words. Thank you Jesus, for my three little lights.

I’m so grateful. To feel so filled up by a season, that it overflows into tears. To witness moments turn into memories is a gift I wasn’t prepared for. This summer has been nothing but magical. It’s been filled with wonderful, healthy, happy days and nights. To be able to raise my babies with the man I love in a safe and happy home is another gift I’ll never take for granted. All I can hope for is that the greatness of summer melts into fall, floats into winter, and flutters into spring and summer. I’m not prepared to leave behind the magic of summer, so I’ll carry it with me as I walk through this next transition, the sacred time where it’s hot in the sun and cool in the shade.

My wish is that God blesses your children and you, as you continue another year of raising your children up. I hope God continues to bless me too 🫶🏼

Hey y’all, and happy freakin August 🤠

Anyone who knows anything about my life knows a few things. I live to honor my mom. I love my kids on a level that words will never touch. My husband is my actual best friend. My sister is my savior. And I love the simple things in life the most, like my hot morning coffee, and the sunshine.

Recently, my husband decided to book an extremely last minute trip to Florida. I sat on his lap as we were booking the flights and said “it feels like we’re running away!” He replied, it’s because we kind of are. Truly, it felt like we were breaking a law. Because why 🤔 I’m not sure. Maybe because we had just gone away in May? Maybe because we were going to Florida with a bunch of friends who had this planned for months!? Maybe because it was one of the most spontaneous things we have ever done with 3 kids along for the (first airplane) ride?!

In addition to “if you know us” you probably know we started homeschooling in 2019. We are about to begin our 5th year, and it feels insane to state that fact! Along the way, we lost some friends. We had lots of people judge what we decided to do. We even had friends and family mock the new journey that we had put endless thought and time into. But we began. We started scared. Knowing in our hearts it was the right thing. We started, and with the weight of everyone’s opinions.

As if their opinions cried next to us when we discovered rights of ours as New Yorkers were stripped. As if their opinions helped us research a single detail of our decisions. As if their opinions paid for the books and materials we have bought, or then, the laughs we have shared and the freaking amazing memories we have made having all our babies under one roof learning and doing life together. As if their opinions held any weight after all. We’ve been doing the damn thing, and we do it W E L L 💪🏼 😊 (honestly the people who doubt me fuel the fire in me to keep going so thank you 🙏🏼 for your help)

When we went to Florida, we knew why it felt crazy. Because we were looking to leave. We are, and have been looking for our new place in the world for the last 4 years. We wanted it to jump out at us, pull us in and have us fall in love with it. A town, a city, a coast line, a neighborhood, anything! Inside this trip, we had officially started the search to get out of NY. While we didn’t get any of that in Florida, we gained so much more. We realized instead – that we really freaking LIKE eachother. We ✨like✨ spending time together as a family of 5. We enjoy adventures and exploring together. We are here for the laughter that has built a roof over our heads and the joy of being together, the walls around us. We have finally realized that our home is inside the love we share. We now know, we can bring this show any WHERE on any ROAD and that we will make it anywhere – as long as we’re together. (Read this section and then listen to The Bones by Maren Morris and tell me you’re not sobbing bc I’m sobbing)

This trip of spontaneously leaving, really, has brought me home to myself. It’s the comeback I didn’t see coming. This impromptu getaway was life 👏🏻 give 👏🏻 ing 👏🏻

Every day, breathing perspective, gratitude and vision into my soul. It redefined my identity, my role as a wife and mother, and it did the same for my husband, too. This trip has strengthened our marriage. This trip gave us the direction we needed to begin to pray for God’s grace in our lives’ next steps together. This trip has changed my life in a way I couldn’t see coming until we left and connected. Recharged, regrouped, and every other motivational quote you’ve ever read on Pinterest – it did that for us. We spent time with people we’ve collected and kept. People from our lives before children, who are real, with stories that captivate you. They are living lives worth celebrating, and all because they made a leap of faith. They believed in themselves and eachother. That shit inspired the hell out of me. And made me want more🙏🏼

We truly don’t know what the future for us holds. We are rooted deeply in upstate NY with family and forever friends. But we have forever friends in far away places too. And places that we don’t even know are special to us yet. We have people who cheer us on, and encourage us to be the best we can be during this lifetime. We have eachother and we have so much love between us, and that is finally shining bright for us to see that we are all we really need. Scary thought? Also, ✨awesome✨ thought. Ahhh. That duality of perspective again 💭

So as I usually do, I write to sort. I wear a bleeding heart on my sleeve and when I write, it’s calming, it provides me with direction, and as always, it prompts peace inside me. Our time away has opened my eyes to so many more possibilities for the future we’ve been hoping for, that I didn’t even think of. It’s about giving and taking, preparing and praying, it’s about letting the moment be the moment. We all are guilty of being so wrapped up in what’s next that we forget to stick our feet in the earth and look up to thank God for answering the prayers we’re living out right now. Not everyone will understand the things I believe in, or why, and that’s ok. I’m at the point in life where I don’t need to be understood. Not everyone will like the journey I’m on, and that too, is ok, because it’s not about them. I love the people who have made my life worth living, but I love us, our little family of 5 sooo much more. And I’d bet my bottom dollar on every star that hangs in every sky, that no matter where we go, we’re gonna shine. The five of us, dwelling in happiness, health and gratitude ✨

It started in the beginning of the month if I’m being completely honest. Yes I welcomed a decade worth of marriage, my 10 year anniversary with my husband. Yes we celebrated my baby boy’s sixth birthday. Yes we snuck in an extra date night because we could. And we needed it.

But that familiar, muddy, sludgy feeling of grief and sadness lives inside me, just under the surface of my collected composure, all year round. And in June, the tough exterior erodes and my grief is left naked and exposed for what feels like the entire world to see, yet now, almost nobody notices.

The hardest part for me 7 years later, is that I honestly feel… fine. I feel like I’ve gained a mountain in perspective. A river of gratitude runs through my every day life. I feel like I’ve collected a million moments of heart bursting simplicity. Like the way the sunlight dances on the water in my pool around dinner time. The smell of my house when I walk in the door. Finding the perfect music station to calm me and not overstimulate me. Noticing the subtle changes in my kids features every morning when they wake up, seemingly overnight. The time a perfect snowflake fell into my mitten this last winter and how I was fascinated by the beauty of it. The birds singing. The bunnies that play in the yard and bring the kids so much joy. The nuances of my life are magical, and they have been for the past few years. I owe that all to the pain I endured in every single detail of 2016’s June.

And even though I feel like I’ve come to terms with no longer having my mother in my life – my heart, my soul, my brain, my body, still remembers her. And it longs for her. It longs to hear her voice, to feel her hugs, to have the calm and satisfaction of calling her every day and letting her do her motherly thing. The feeling after a good laugh together. I long for her still, and I imagine I always will. It almost feels foolish to continue writing a blog about this pain that became part of me. Not on June 24th, 2016, but during every single moment in between then and now.

Pain changes people, and I know it has changed me. In every way. And yet I’m still feeling annoyed that I still feel sad, and that’s a part of grief and moving on that nobody can talk about unless you’ve experienced it first hand. I don’t want to feel like I can’t get out of bed on certain days anymore in June. I don’t want to feel like my anxiety is bigger than my understanding of why I feel like this. I want to feel as fine as I do on the first warm spring day. Or when I’m having a great day with my kids. Or when my husband and I are laughing together in the kitchen at night. But my grief won’t allow that. I have no big takeaway from this, I’m truly just writing to get out of my horrible mood. My patience today is as thin as the day she died. My fuse is short. My mood sucks. I cried three times this morning, and couldn’t even bring myself to drink my coffee because the smell reminded me so much of her.

Tomorrow marks 7 years of her leaving this earth. And I think about her every day. She sends me signs and still shows me how powerful her love is. She reaches me from heaven as often as I’m willing to notice. She’s taught me so much in my life, and even more in the last seven years. I realize now more than I ever have before, that walking this earth is equal parts heaven and hell, and dare I even be an optimist and say more heaven than hell. I walk through life as a mother without a mother. And I still needed her. But God has sent me so many good people I never expected to meet. And these earth angels all bring a genuine goodness to my life. They love me, they love my kids, they love my husband. They show up for me. They show up for my kids. They show up for my husband. And they always lean in when I get quiet. They notice. They give. They support, encourage and appreciate me. They celebrate me, and motivate me. And while separately, they will never be my mother, collectively they help me, every day, get through. Even on the hardest days in June. I know how lucky I am to have what I have and I will never take the relationships I have for granted. My mama taught me that 👑

Seven years an Angel, and I still needed you 🩵

Seems like we’ve been celebrating Dan turning 40 for months because we have 😂

I started planning his surprise 40th in July of 2022, and pulled off the coolest thing I’ve ever done for anyone, this past October. Complete with an argument about being late in our driveway, followed by him on the phone the entire way there, only to be outdone by a dramatic parallel park job in an empty parking lot, and to top it off, a little more bickering actually walking down the steps into the pavilion at The Mill* with a bar full of all his favorite people 🥰❤️

*if you have a chance to throw a party somewhere, throw it at The Mill. They are amazing people and I could go on and on about my girl Mel, the amazing pulled pork, beer selection and overall vibe – but I’ll stay focused 🙂

It was great. And I had written a little speech for him that I planned on reading there, but never had the chance because, well. All of our nearest and dearest had me drunk and hitting their “adult vape pens” in the first 5 minutes. And let’s be honest I would have cried.

So the next morning, we sat outside on our front bench. Slightly hungover, very tired, and super filled up with gratitude for a great and safe time, I read this to him. And I cried. Did Dan cry? I think he did. Anyway. Without further ado, I present words that might make you too cry, especially if you’re married or slightly hungover or drunk or maybe even hormonal.

Dan Phillips, my beautiful husband. A treasured brother and son. A devoted and loyal friend. The world’s best daddy. A risk taker, an adventure seeker, and of course, a successful businessman and overall BOSS human.

You made it to 40.

When we met you were 26, and full of it. When I was introduced to you, for about the third or fourth time, something clicked and the rest, as they say, is history. Since then you have become so much more than the “bad boy” in the striped g-unit shirt, on the fourth floor of the Saratoga City Tavern. That g-unit shirt and the way it fit around your extremely muscular arms was what really got me 😂 And when I found out you really weren’t a bad boy at all, that sent me. Straight to the alter 💒

Together we’ve built so much, but I’m gonna focus on all you have done for yourself, for me, and almost everyone else in this room. You’ve used your two hands, your mind, and your heart to build a life for yourself, and in turn for me and our kids.

First my boyfriend, the my fiancé, then my husband. When I first knew I wanted to marry you, I knew you’d be a good time; funny, loyal, reasonable, level-headed, compassionate: but over the years, you’ve proved to be so much more than that. You quickly became my glue, my safe place, and my sounding board, my light in the darkness. My lifeboat, my ladder. My biggest fan, and my greatest supporter. You became a daddy to our three babies, and inside the world of fatherhood is where you really shine. You coach them, you father them, you teach them, and mold them inside all the little moments, but the best is how you love them each so differently and so well, and that has been my favorite thing to witness. You’re their safe and soft place to land, and strong and sturdy when they need a little tough love. Thank you for giving me them.

You have been the most dedicated and devoted husband, which has helped me become a better and more patient human. My favorite thing you have ever done for me though, is how you helped build the mother inside me, whom with the right man, I was always meant and able to become.

Not to be a Debby downer, but it wouldn’t do you justice if I didn’t speak on how you weathered my worst storm with me, when we lost my mom. You picked up all my pieces day in and day out, for a long time, and sometimes still do. Your mental strength was and is immeasurable and so appreciated. I told you years ago you’re a real life angel; and you still are 🤍

I thank you for that, and for all you’ve built inside the four walls of our home, and inside my heart and yours, and of course what you’re instilling and creating inside our children.

Ok! So here it is, a few months early – but look around. Look at all you’ve accomplished. Look at the friendships you’ve built, and kept alive. Look at all the people who love you. Who you have helped, and who have helped you back. This is 40. You are my best friend, my favorite drinking buddy, and everything we haven’t discovered yet – Here’s to the next 40 🥰

2022 has been a year for the books. I’m not sure which books, but the kind that so much shit happens you actually burn the book because it was too chaotic, hard to follow, and quite frankly at times, it sucked.

This has been one of the most challenging years since 2016. I think I’d actually do 2020 over again before I did this one.

If you know me, you maybe, probably know a lot about me. You may even think I’m an over sharer. Because I am. I’m an open book, I wear my heart on my sleeve and my face is a projection of my constant inner thoughts. Like I wear my heart on my sleeve, I wear my dirty looks across my face. Thanks mom.

This year started out with some family health scares, that carried over from Christmas, into the new year. Everything checked out, but the winter months were touch and go. Thankfully the spring brought a little bit of what spring is supposed to bring, like wonderful weather, lots of sunshine, and a minimum of ten bikes in my driveway at all times. Baseball, bicycling, bonfires, and all the outdoorsy goodness.

We began the summer with food poisoning and that exact night trickled into an early morning where I thought my life as I knew it was taking the turn of a lifetime. Without saying too much, we had a dangerous and delusional, drug addicted tenant in one of our rentals. She was running a full blown meth lab and drug operation out of our property. It was scary, sad, frustrating and disturbing to say the least. From spring through the fall we tried like hell to get the situation completely regulated, and frankly, it turned into a nightmare before it got better. But it did get better, and I’m thankful to God every day for helping us through that.

The summer was much like the revolving door in the front of a fancy hotel, that I was stuck in, every day. It was a season of learning how to set boundaries. Saying what I mean and meaning what I said. This is where I learned that kind does not mean close, and close does not mean constantly together. I learned that even though I’m a mother, I can’t be everyone’s mother, and watching 6 extra kids in a pool will likely get you a one way ticket to the looney bin. There were times I was so overwhelmed by my own home, I had to escape to clear my head. I never knew how imperative it is for me to reel it in, and be alone to recharge. I’m learning every day that rest and rejuvenation is not the same thing, and both require diligent work.

It was the summer my husband hurt his back, which put some things into very clear perspective that we are in fact getting older, and we need to be a bit wiser with that, or life will get harder.

We had two beautiful vacations, one in Maine and one in Jersey, and then fall charged in like it always does. This is when we helped a friend out, who wound up being a con artist and stealing from us, using us, and trying to make us look bad. At this point, we were able to zoom out a bit, and start to see the theme of our year. We needed a new plan and fast. To be clear – our plan is forever evolving and thank God, because if we didn’t learn long ago to bend with the wind, we would have been broken for sure.

Fall was perhaps the highlight of the entire year, we joined a new co-op, and settled back into a routine. The boys played baseball, and Veni came into her own as the princess of the family. I threw the most epic party for Dan’s 40th, surprised then hell out of him, and hands down, had the most amazing day of the whole year. Thanks again to all our people for coming, celebrating, and getting me drunk within the first five minutes. The group of humans we’ve found and surround ourselves with, are the sweetest part of life, and always a good ass time. Fall was also when we closed the chapter on the meth lab lady, and it was the best relief we got all year. Oh, and then we bought the hoarder house next door 🤪

In September, we left our babies overnight with some of the best friends we’ve found, for the first time EVER. We went to a wedding, got covid, stayed home for 5 days. And just before we went back to work the next day, we discovered the first of 2 leaks in our house. Of course, in any good story, they happened back to back, a month to the day a part, forcing us to start the long awaited kitchen remodel. Which turned into a kitchen/basement/homeschool/dining room renovation.

We were lucky enough to be able to move into our Airbnb, and basically lived apart for a month while Dan got the renovations in our house, and the flip next door, underway. I had an amazing plan to teach the kids outside in the big backyard, cook beautiful meals and reset myself and my family for the upcoming holiday season. A welcomed break from the neighborhood, the hammering, the chaos, and all the noise.

Except that’s when the kids started a 3 week sick cycle where we battled the flu, the bug, and some other nasty virus. I felt much like what I’d imagine a single mom feels like, and that was hard. I waved the white flag to Dan, only a few times, forcing him away from work and to be with us. The kids were having a hard time with adjusting and finding their rhythm there, so by thanksgiving we moved back home. Since we’ve been home it’s been a construction site, the same revolving door, and school when it’s quiet. I’ve been learning how to accept help, and that has at times felt uncomfortable for me, but necessary for my survival and mental health. Between the erratic work schedules the holidays bring, sleep schedules, more revolving doors, more boundary setting, therapy appointments and pretty much every other emotion you can name, I’ve felt it. We have all felt it. We also just put our Christmas tree up 7 days ago. That one was hard for me, too.

Yesterday, I worked for 9 hours on a Sunday. I came home to the Christmas lights on outside, every candle in the windows lit, and a beautiful meal complete with homemade mashed potatoes by my husband. He’s pretty good ya know? Aside from when he’s joking about who I’m hiring to finish our kitchen (LOL, it’s him) he does get me, and I’m thankful for that. The other day I asked him to tell me three things he loves about me and he said “I love that you’re a bitch” and somehow managed to turn it into “because it makes me appreciate you when you’re nice to me” and if that doesn’t explain me in a nutshell idk what will.

That may sound harsh, but before we were lovers, we were friends, and we have fun together to this day. Our sense of humor is similar but different, and it works. If we couldn’t laugh at eachother and call eachother on our bullshit, we’d both be bored.

Ok so anyway, today I’m running in 4 hours of sleep because my poor little fratboy was tossing and turning for 3 hours and I started to cry when he got up and puked all over the bathroom. For no other reason than I am overwhelmed. I’m tired. And I just HATE when my kids don’t feel good, but more than that, I hate when it’s puke. My anxiety and nervous system haven’t been able to come down much this month, and it’s been a while since I wrote everything out like this, and I forgot how beneficial this blog has been for me in my darkest moments.

If you were hoping for a feel good blurb to read over your afternoon latte; this ain’t it. But I will find the light at the end of the tunnel, and land this plane so we can all carry on with our Mondays.

This year hasn’t been the best. But there were some really amazing God moments inside. My kids made forever friends in our neighborhood. The old fashioned, leave in the morning, come home at dark, and stick together, kinda friendship. As a homeschool mama, this is so important for me to know my kids are looked at by other children, and their parents, as totally and completely normal. One of the moms told me her sons plan their entire days around when they can see my boys. Makes my heart swell. And also, my nerves are shot because it’s all boys, all the time. We’ll be selling the house next door this spring, only families with girls can apply 🤣 kidding not kidding sort of.

Our neighbors treated us to a beautiful week in Wells Beach Maine, and we found our new favorite place. Can’t thank them enough for giving us the break we didn’t know we needed, and loving us through all life has thrown at us. For letting us borrow tools, sugar, and their daughter to babysit in the drop of a dime. The other was in Atlantic City, my MIL + FIL spoiled us, and every day the weather was a dream. A really nice way to end our summer.

Our new co-op has been a blessing in every way, and I’ve never been more sure of the path we are on with learning at home, and along like minded people. This journey has given us friends who breathe life into our family. People who care, who help, and who understand our lifestyle and the importance of how and why we do it. Homeschool Lyfe forev ☠️

We have learned how important health is ever since my mother passed away, but as we inch closer to our forties, (holy shit honestly. Just holy shit.) we are finally seeing that health truly is the new wealth, and making strides together as a family to hold that high up on the priority list, and as a moral and value in our every day life. Learning about clean food and an overall natural life path has been a huge blessing and enlightening adventure to lean into with my family.

We have done some hard work in our marriage this year. This part of me is super sacred and special so I’ll just say, we came out of a very dark place. In that space we lived for a few months. We had to plant new seeds and water them, every day. We promised to put forth the work to show up, ask for help, ask for forgiveness, ASK. for grace, and promise to always do the hard and holy work that God intended us to do, when we joined hands and hearts in marriage almost 10 years ago.

At the end of the day, week, month, year, I’m always grateful for these simple things: my children. Their health. My husband, and all that he does for us. His health. My own health. I’m thankful for my capabilities as a mom, housewife, homemaker, homeschooler, and professional. The fact I’m able to do and be all these things are not lost on me, and I’m thankful to be a woman in this day and age. Im grateful for the unwavering love and loyalty from a few great friends. The relationships I have, the family I have, mainly, my siblings. Their health. I’m grateful that all my nieces and nephews are healthy. I thank God every day, and pray regularly for all these things to continue.

So, for me, even after the challenging and draining days, I lay my head down on the pillow knowing I’m a good person. Married to a good man. With happy, healthy and well adjusted kids. In a home that is my safety and sanctuary. Going into Christmas week, I have a feeling of peace. Even if I don’t get all the Christmas presents wrapped, even if I stay up too late, even if I drink too many coffees, and too late in the day, even if I was moody to my husband for no good reason, I know I’m doing my best.

Knowing that when you are good to the world, the world WILL, be good back to you. But sometimes you have to look AT your blessings, not for them. They are everywhere in life, and some days I’m guilty of taking some for granted. I’m learning boundaries need to be set, even if it feels hard, sometimes more than once. You have to hit the nail on the head, hold your ground, ignore a text that will rob your peace if you answer it. Make the phone call. Ask the hard questions. Tell the truth. End the friendship. Ask for help. Leave the toxicity where it lies, somewhere AWAY from you. Love.

Life is so simple and it’s the human experience to complicate it. I read a quote this year that said “you are the universe experiencing itself” and that has helped me through some of the hardest moments this year. Because who wants to experience something that lacks luster, love and life? Not me. And not in this lifetime. So I’m passing it on to you. If you’ve read this far, I thank you. It wasn’t the most uplifting or glorious highlight reel we all hope our lives to be. This is real, and messy and hard, but sometimes that’s the way it is.

I’m wishing you a very Merry Christmas, a healthy and pleasant time when gathering with loved ones, and for you to experience the light inside yourself. And if you ever need reminding that you shine, you can count on me to help you.

All my love, B ❤️

This past year, after 2020 chewed us all up and spit us out, we were forced to evaluate lots of stuff. Relationships, jobs, hobbies, interests. Things we carelessly trusted people with at one moment, we suddenly found how important trust was in the next. How careful you had to be in what you shared. As an over-sharer, I know we had to evaluate friendships – Those that had lots of years in them, those that had lots of substance to them, and the realization that lots of years did not equal lots of substance. And those that could not withstand the political and medical shitstorm that ensued. I personally suffered from a few of these.

I’ve found myself mainly realizing that the people who say they’ll be there hold little in actions and more in words. Yet words can’t hold your hand or watch your babies when you’re sick or in need of a mental health day. Words can’t take your mind away from the stress as much as sitting in the company of someone who just. gets you. does.

In the last few months I’ve made some really amazing new friends. It-takes-a-Village type friends. Friends who step in when they know you’ve had too much, are doing too much, and the candle is burning at each end. Friends who hear your silence, even when you’ve always been the loud one. Friends who make your kids favorite meal complete with 2 apple pies and Oreos for dessert. Friends who come in and quickly become the answer to this prayer you never knew you were praying.

God works in mysterious ways, and I’m so thankful for the struggles and the pain and the loss because I would have, not 👏🏼one 👏🏼 of the spectacular people in my life I have today if I’d have chosen to stay the same. If I had picked the path of least resistance. If I had kept my mouth shut. If I had made myself small.

I’m too much for most people, but the people who love me don’t let that intimidate them. They accept and love me for it. I help them shine, and they do that for me too. And you know what else? They love my kids. And as a motherless mother on this earth, there is no greater gift than people who care for my babies, pray for my babies, and love them in a way that, maybe my mama would have loved them too.

So as I sum this up, I’m gonna thank God. For all he’s done in my life. The way he looks down and smiles at me when he knows something great is about to happen. The way he belly laughs when all 3 kids are talking to me at once while I’m cooking in a messy kitchen about to lose my damn mind. The way he’s infused these new people into my life to create a new woman in me. The one who is a mom and a wife, but then she is so much more. God’s plan.