It’s about that time. And by that time you all know i mean it’s time for this baby to gtfo! And in true retired sequins form, I’m writing this one to remember.

Acey. You, little baby boy so beautiful and wild. You have become the second center of my universe. Your smile and your face and your crystal clear blessed blue eyes make me smile without even realizing. The way you hold your finger to your mouth and tell me to shush it. The way you ask to “heyl-pa me mama” the way your face lights up when you hear the ice cream man, see daddy’s truck, see Stella in the morning, or see mommy walk through the door after work. Your deep belly laugh. The way you yell MAVVY!!!! (Movvy. Ugh I never wanna forget this little voice.) Ace, you came into this world so beautifully and peacefully and you have brought so much of that into just every day life. Your wild spirit keeps me con. stant. ly. On my toes. I love the way you ride your trike. I love the way you fall asleep with your hand in a bowl of snacks. I love the way you snuggle your brother. I love the way you say human. (Oo-men) healthy (helfy) I wuvvvvuuuu, your “nuh night seepy” song and your little baby sister to be’s name “a Vay-iss” You are a magical little creature who came to me at such an important time in my life and you changed our entire family in every way. What we thought was a completed family 4, was just another blessing along the way, and as our Ace, you truly are the wild card of this little squad, and we never want to forget your innocence and the humongous love you hold inside your little bod ❤️

Mavvy. You, my boy. Oh you. You made me everything I ever wanted to be. You made me a mother. You’ve continued to bring me such joy and pure pride in watching you grow up and into a little human who participates so amazingly in this world. Your inquisitive nature, your sense of wonder, your love for the outdoors, and your concern for all animals is innate and so cool to watch and learn from you. You’ve taken on the big role of big brother effortlessly. You have become such an inspiration to everyone who knows you in the way you watch out for and protect your little brother. And now, we’ll make you a big brother for the second time and though you’ve told me “it’s not about me anymore” baby, it will always be about you. And it has been for 6 years 🙂 you have no idea how special you are to us, and the things you’re going to do in your life will be nothing short of amazing. I love the way you’re daddy’s shadow. I love how you’re always so eager to help and learn. I love how you know when to give a hug, help out, and be the little ray of light you’ve always been. Thanks for understanding a little glimpse of the chaos that’s our life right now. We wouldn’t have it any other way!

Nothing in this world will ever take from the way I feel about you both. And now we are just adding more love to an already over flowing constant pot boiling over with love. I’ll live my entire life for you, until the day I die I’ll fight for you to have a life full of happiness, healthiness and love. You boys have no idea the amount of love that sits heavy in my heart for you. It keeps me up at night, makes me acutely aware of the experiences you have in which your dad and I provide for you, and this love? It makes me crazy when I’m without you, and makes me whole all at once.

You boys are SO LOVED. And in between the seconds, I only love you more.

Babe. You are, simply put, the best. I look up to you in so many ways and cannot believe how much we’ve been through in the 10 years that just flashed before our eyes. Times are often more wild and loud and messy than they are calm and peaceful, but at the end of a long busy day, I still get butterflies when I see you back your truck into the driveway. I still love kissing you and dating you and holding your hand on the rare occasion we fall asleep next to each other. It won’t always be this busy, and we one day won’t know to do with all the extra free time, but I wouldn’t want to be in it, this deep, with a n y o n e else in this world. You save me, you spoil me, you complete me in every way. You balance me, check me, and support me like I’ve never been built up before. To say thank you for loving me will never explain my gratefulness for who you are to me. Now, prepare your heart and mind for a baby girl because we are about to be in it like we’ve never been. But something tells me we’re gonna far surpass our own expectations of what our family of 5 will become 😭❤️ I LOVE YOU! 😘

This morning I woke up heavy. It was Sunday and we had plans to go to the lake, and everyone was home, but I felt a sense of tiredness over my entire being. That cloak. The grief cloak that comes out to play just when you really didn’t need it.

“Mom!! Dad!! Acey’s outside!!” Was what woke me up at 8:30. My wonderful hubs had let me sleep in, but there is no such thing as a dull moment with kids, so up I jumped out of bed and downstairs to the boys snuggling on the couch and Dan French pressing away our coffee, and telling us the day at the lake was on.

Happiness. And then sad. And the tears just came up all at once. I covered my eyes with a paper towel and let out the deepest cry.

Dan sat and didn’t say much, because my hurt hurts him too. I feel guilty for even crying sometimes around him because he has to endure so much pain he never even signed up for really. So within the silence of my sobs, Mav climbed right up on the little bit of lap I have left and wrapped his arms around my neck. He said nothing, just a perfect long hug from the boy who made me a mom. Then Ace asked Dan “mama cyin?” And ran over to join the hug.

They clearly got the job done that they shouldn’t have had to labor. They lifted me out of my little pity party, and it was on with the day. We drove up to the lake like we always do, over the mountain, trying to squeeze conversations in between kids asking three trillion questions, for 55 snacks, and one song request after another. We spent the day with family we love and in the most ideal sunny, unplugged, beautiful setting.

But tonight the cloak looms over me. It covers me in an entirely new set of questions and new things to long for…. things I hear in my head just before I lay it down in my pillow.

Mama. I miss you. I don’t know how it’s been 3 years since God took you home. I wish I could hear you in my house. I wish you could laugh at the way Ace makes these hilarious faces and gestures at all the same things you would. I wish you could have Mav overnight for a special big brother celebration. I wish they had you, too.

I wish I knew you when you were a new mom. I wish I could ask you to come over and save me before I lose my mind. I wish my kids really knew you. And asked for you by name. I wish it didn’t come down to angel feathers and framed pictures and a salt lamp I’ve never turned off, not in 3 years. I wish you were here, and I wish you got to live til you were 110. I wish my baby girl to be could be spoiled by you. I wish I could go out with you this summer and enjoy a drink and a karaoke song with you. I’d marvel at how everyone who saw you wanted to know more about who you were. I wish I could ask you if all the choices I’m making are right. I wish I could have your wisdom and guidance. That extra voice always in my corner, cheering me on. I wish I could look forward to texting you all hours of the night when I bring the new baby home and you’d answer immediately like you did when I first had Mav. I wish you didn’t have to go. I still needed you. I still need you today.

On the 3 year anniversary of my mother’s passing, I can only reflect with gratitude for this time. Yes at times the pain is still too much to process and if I really think too hard I’ll scare myself with the images I can recall. But still, gratitude; for all her absence has created within me. I’ve become more of a fighter, a voice, a source of patience and love to the ones I’d lay my own life down for. Because of my mother and everything she was to me, I’m broken and whole all at once, and the vulnerability spills out my most visible cracks. I try my best to live each day by seeing beauty where it doesn’t normally exist, for listening to my intuition before I speak, and to never take a single person, moment, or experience for granted. I will forever be a work in progress, and always be longing for my first best friend, but because of everything she was, I still stand tall knowing no matter where she is, she’s got my back. It’s been too long down here without you Ma. I miss you and I sometimes still can’t believe you’re gone. I love you, I love you, I love you 👑

If you’re a married woman (or man, I doubt you’re reading this. But, if you are, hai) you have probably referred to your wedding vows over the length of your marriage. Like “baby I promised forever I mean it I love you” when you’ve had one too many wines on the back deck. Or maybe you’ve used it against him in an argument like “you clearly just repeated what you heard but you weren’t LISTENING when you said your vows to me” no? Just me and my hormonal self? K.

Seriously though. It’s a warm Thursday night in June, and not reminiscent at all of what my rehearsal dinner night felt like, but the date is there and tomorrow I celebrate 6 years of marriage with my better half.

My better half. The one I promised forever to. The one who makes my heart pound. The one I still love kissing and snuggling and ya know, whatever else you’re thinking, I still love all that too 🥰 because he’s a stud. And he’s a deep down, good and great fucking man. He has an attitude and he has mood swings and two of the last three winters I may or may not have drummed up a text that was less than nice when he was plowing a nor’easter, and I was most likely pregnant and threatening a custody agreement in my very hormonal state 😂 But hey. Better or worse. We are making it. And he knows when to ignore me. And I know when to be a psychotic bitch. Usually the stars align and we have stayed together in our “for worse” times.

Like, ok I’ve been thinking about how innocent vows are. You’re all hopped up on your wedding salad diet, some mid-wedding-day mimosas, and the magic that is the day you marry your soul mate. And you then see your future standing in front of you and you are walking toward him surrounded by the people you love the most, and you get to him and you recite these ancient, super special words that have been stated hundreds of millions of times, but today these vows belong to you and to him and as special as they are, you have no idea what they even mean on this very happy day.

I’ll tell you what I didn’t know 6 years ago. I didn’t know my mom was going to die, and affect our lives on a daily basis for the following 3 years and beyond. I didn’t know we’d ever have a baby 10 short months after we were hitched. I didn’t know how selfless we would have to become so quickly after just becoming newlyweds. I didn’t know we’d ever lose a baby. I didn’t know we’d ever have to reformulate plans we made 6 years ago, on what feels like a sometimes weekly basis. I never knew we’d have 3 babies together. I never knew how hard it would be. I never ever knew how much more I could love a person I was so deeply already infatuated and in love with on so many other levels. I didn’t know how hard some conversations would be to initiate. I didn’t know how hard it would be to hear him tell me things I needed to change to help our dreams come to fruition. I never knew how hard it would be to have a conversation over dinner because we have to talk to two other little budding humans who are and will always be a direct reflection of US. I never knew we were already taking each other for granted because it was just him and me and our little dog. There were no plates in the sink at night, there was extra time, there was rested minds and bodies and there was so much freedom in just being the two crazy kids that just recited these coveted words to each other thinking the worst thing that would ever happen was that we wouldn’t know which bar to have happy hour at that night.

And then life happened. That saying? Life is what happens when you’re busy making plans? Holy hell, it is the truest most factual quote I’ve ever pocketed.

Life happened, and here we are 6 years into a beautiful, broken in, respectful, loving, loyal, breathtaking love story. Our very own fairytale. The story of us. Dan and Brianna. And we are here, standing beside each other on our very best and worst days. He holds me up, he puts me in my place. He feeds my dreams. He keeps me realistic. He says the hard stuff. He sees me at my ugliest, most scared and also my best most authentic self. And he loves me anyway. He still laughs at my jokes. He still gives me butterflies. He starves my fears. He is the daddy to my children. He is the strongest man I know. He is smart in ways I never knew about 6 years ago. He is loyal to a fault. He is so ridiculously good looking, and he’s all mine.

He tried to make a surprise date for us this weekend. Asking his mom to take our kids, and he was gonna take me out and ask me to blow my hair out the way he loves it, and ya know what? We have our first born graduating tomorrow and apparently being a 5 year old preschool graduate is big business and our entire day is consumed by festivities for Mav. Fine! Also, I’m like really fucking pregnant, and home girl can’t sit and eat right now because there’s just no room. And Sunday we both have to work. And Saturday will be beautiful and we just wanna spend it with our two favorite little humans and we are one hundred thousand percent completely happy with that. Because we didn’t know it, but we promised eachother a life of balancing and understanding. An anniversary weekend right now is spent getting the house ready for Acey’s second birthday and a baby girl arriving in 4ish weeks. So yeah, we promised each other that even when it’s hard and too busy to celebrate US, we still know that our unconditional love without limits is there, just a little bit on the fleeting not-about-us side right now. We brought life into this world and we are about to do it again because God is so good and is trusting us with more than we ever thought we would have. And we knew NONE of this when we promised it to eachother 6 years ago.

And anyway. I plan on having a date night this summer and I’d like to get a little tipsy and dress in actual cute clothes and go and make a memory when the time is more appropriate for two adults in love without pregnancy or prior engagements bossing us into submission.

So to my gorgeously handsome, strong and steady, wonderful, genuine, loving husband: I love you. Without any limit. More than I ever knew I could. More than I loved you in 2013. More than I loved you when we met in 2009. I love you in layers. I love you endlessly and always. We’ve made it through some pretty rough terrain, and we still manage to laugh in the chaos. Have a sense of humor in the madness. And we love each other through the hardest parts of this life we never knew we’d have together.

Thank you for loving me. For believing in me. Thank you for giving me (almost) 3 beautiful children. Thank you for giving me a life I only thought would be a dream. You have been a real life angel since the day you walked into my life, and I promise to love you in all the ways I know how for the next 106 years. Here’s to US. Happiness, health, abundance and always, L O V E ♥️

Spent the morning driving through the foothills of the Adirondacks yesterday. Because I needed some …. mountain time I guess. Maverick was at preschool and Ace, my little wingman was dreaming away in the back seat. I had Maren Morris filling my ears with her melty gritty sound, and the windows cracked for that ADK air in our lungs. My mind was 35 filing cabinets with every folder open and the wind was blowing all my papers, plans, dreams, to-do’s and appointments all about the place.

So I had to take a drive to escape from everything I could, if only for an hour. Life has been BUSY. A constant state of overwhelm. March is such a bittersweet month because it’s the month my mother celebrated her birthday in, where I celebrate mine, and where I fight time the hardest trying to make my oldest born stop growing up so damn fast! But then all at once it hits me like a breath after swimming under water, and I feel calm. Because life is happening exactly as it should. And in the midst of all the busy, late nights, party planning, baby appointments, kindergarten everything, working, time away from my man, and all of that, I remembered a favorite quote of mine. Yesterday morning Dan and I didn’t say see ya sweet tits! Have a great day soul mate! I love you so much I can’t live without you! Can’t wait to see you! (Which is usually most days, all true for us) We actually left the house around the same time and words and actions weren’t very friendly or very married-like to say the least. So I drove. To get to him. Because I know that when people are the most difficult to love, that’s when you have to lay the loving on. You actually just need to go OFF on the love game. I’m talking favorite sandwiches, loves notes, bear hugs, corny jokes. All that. I know from experience because I was pretty difficult to love once, and from time to time I’m sure I get that way – AS WE ALL DO. So for me, I’m just tryna keep it real in a world full of people chasing the next popular thing. Doing something because it’s easy or cool. I just wanna say, every day I put in 100% and I can confidently say that so does my husband. His 100 is FAR and away different than MY 100, but we are both putting it in. From the minute we open our eyes until our heads hit the pillow at night. We are IN IT. So yeah, I drove off for me for him for us, and I let him know how good he is. And let him know how well he is loved. In a hollow little upstairs apartment being renovated in a small town in the ADKS. I hugged him, reminded him how important he is and how great he is doing in life as a dad and a husband. I love this guy with my entire being. I have for almost a decade now, and he means more to me, and I trust him more than anyone, and he makes me so happy. And in the hard times I still remember it because his light shines that bright.

I haven’t shared this photo with anyone because it’s a pretty personal moment, but it’s real and it’s raw and it’s what happens off the highlight reel. It’s what sheer thankfulness, relief and a full heart of gratitude look like, to me in a picture. And in this intimate setting of the few people who spend the time to read my words, I feel safe sharing with you 😌

So here’s your friendly reminder that life is overwhelming. And it’s a challenge. And if you don’t put in the love and the effort and the grit, you will never make it. Anywhere. Not at work not at home not as a parent and not as a spouse. We are all in this together. And we are all struggling through every day. To be the best mom/dad/entrepreneur/homemaker/breadwinner/human in society. So let’s just all take this in, and put out some actual goodness today. And wherever you go, be it your kitchen to make dinner, a meeting at work, or a gym to get your workout on; melt into that room like sunshine, cut yourself some slack. keep that grit about you, and pour your freaking love out. Because the world needs more of it and we need it now ☀️💖👑

I just wanna say that life is really very short. We are put on this earth for a small fragment of eternity and it’s up to us what we are going to, willing to, and fight to do on this earth.

What I have learned, TIME and time again in my life is that – Not every girl is going to cheer you on. Even the ones that for all intent and purpose should, won’t! Not every man is going to treat you like gold. Not every day is gonna be sunshine and rainbows.

And though eventually we all weather some really nasty storms. We don’t always come out better. Sometimes we only come out ok. Sometimes we don’t make it through at all. And THATS OK. Sometimes it takes time and therapy and lots of self love, a vacation, a new relationship and/or a little more self awareness to feel even just ‘ok’ over time. (And again, that’s OK)

It’s after these storms you realize who your girls are. You realize who loves you, who makes you, who isn’t deserving of you, and who you choose to do life with. You do start to notice who isn’t clapping for you when you succeed, and you know the ones who talk shit right under your nose, and you tell that bitch BYE. (Seriously I’m telling you, we all have at least one person in our lives right now who hates from afar, doesn’t enjoy when you’re happy or successful, can’t be happy for or celebrate anyone let alone themselves, so we need to trim the fat, cut the loss, rip the bandaid off and let that one GO. Because if they’re not with you, they are against you. This is your sign!)

Ok ok I digress. So ok. I once was told by someone (and by that I mean when we stopped associating with eachother she said these things to people who let me know the awful things she was saying) I worked for that “hurt people hurt people” and that I was a “black cloud hovering over her life” and she said these things publicly and used these really dismantling quotes in reference to …me. It is something that I hate to admit has stuck with me because at one point I looked up to her so much. But yesterday, everything came full circle for me. And I truly love when these things, these epiphanies happen. I have started following more enlightening and educational things on social media, and a girl named Dona who is quickly becoming one of my favorite people, posted about the zodiac! And in turn I downloaded an astrology ap and was reading up on my sign and a little piece of one of my signs’ deeper meanings was the sentiment that wounded people go on to become the best healers, because they’ve been jaded and trampled by pain. They’ve had their soul rung out before their eyes, jumped on, spit on, and still managed to come away unbroken, wounded yes, broken – hell no.

And there I sat. My kids were asleep, and my mind was absolutely blown. Isn’t perspective fucking amazing? Like yes, in her world – hurt people, hurt, people. Yet here I am, though 6 years older and wiser yet still let those little and I mean LITTLE statements made by a small mind affect me! Until last night. When the notion that for me, hurt people (myself) can actually heal people. And ya know what? THAT is the train I wanna be on. Not some broken down bootleg negativity breeds negativity bus. So thank you, dear old friend for your lesson in my life finally, FINALLY coming to a close.

Now. today I can stand proudly and say – I don’t care if you don’t agree with me, I don’t care if you don’t like my hair, my style, the way I raise my kids. I don’t care. It has no weight on my morals, my values and the way I walk through this wild life. I don’t even care if you’re someone who believes that sharing my happiness could possibly take away from your own. If you’re that shallow, that once you tip to fill someone else’s cup with some love, yours feels empty? I don’t want you to pour into me, and quite frankly, I don’t want you in my life.

Because now, where I am? It’s amazing. I’ve lost some pretty significant people in horrible ways. I’ve been abused emotionally and physically, and then chose that again for myself because it’s all I thought I was worth. I worked for one humongous asshole, for about 3 years too long. I stayed in a toxic relationship with an abusive boyfriend because I didn’t know the depths of my worth. I’ve escaped situations I never thought I’d live to talk about. And here I am, hands on my child bearing hips, chest puffed proud, and smile beaming because I am proud of all of these things. The shit, the grit, the abuse, and then, the sunshine. It makes me every day. And just because some people can’t see the way the light shines through me, doesn’t mean it isn’t there. And more than anything, I like to celebrate and radiate WITH others, because there truly IS enough happiness to go around for ALL of us.

The changes that happen after you lose someone truly are not for the faint of heart. And parenting surely is not for pussies. And though the style of my writing is honest and off the cuff, I have a real humility inside, and it comes from deep within and with a lot of weight. But it also comes with a huge bright light that all I wanna do is give away to everyone I love. But what I have learned. Is the people that aren’t worthy. I don’t feel sad or guilt about not sharing with them. Because my therapist told me that some people just lack EFFUSION, and if there is one thing I am definitely not deficient in, it’s that. Please look up the word because it’s meaning is truly beautiful.

So today. On the first really nice day of the spring season, I urge you to weigh your warmth. And protect it. Protect your inner light, and only give it to the people you feel really understand what they’re getting when you’re giving them a piece of you. Because if you know how to be generous with your heart, your time, ya know all the things money can’t buy? There isn’t a better quality to possess in this life, on this earth, in your community and in your circle. And I pray you know who your circle is, too. Mine is small and it comes from Florida, San Diego, Denver NC, a domestic goddess I’ve known forever, NJ, Heaven, an unexpected best friend and sister in love, a cute little apartment in Bspa, a huge heart a few houses down from me and a few other really rare and special places in between. You guys are constantly keeping my cup filled and my warmth steady. And I can never thank you enough, or tell you how deep my love runs for you.

Happy, happy spring ☀️

It’s been said that women should know their place. In the kitchen, in the home. In the bedroom. Whatever the sentiment is. But I’m here to tell you; That shit is outdated.

I’m a part time working/SAH mom. Meaning I work 3 days a week and then I come home to second shift – ON THOSE DAYS – I come home to dishes, dogs, clutter, mail, bath time, bedtime routine, one more story, one more snack, one more question before my mind gets to rest. My plate, my hands, my heart, my brain – they are all so full. And they are so busy. And I am SO LUCKY, blessed and beyond anything I ever deserve to be with being a mother in this lifetime. To the sweetest two babies, and one more soon to come.

But mama is tired. Mama is so tired. Of cleaning of cooking of rushing, of begging for alone time, of begging for date nights, of begging my kids to clean up after themselves. Of begging my friends to understand. Of cleaning up dog shit. I’m tired of all of it. And this winter is NOT helping. I’ve never asked Dan if we can move south so many times.

Dan and I are coming up on 10 years of being together and there’s a lot that is so great. And there is a lot that needs so much work. We each have a therapist. We cosleep in separate beds with our kids. We have three businesses between us, and as thankful as I am, sometimes I just want more.

More happy. More rest. More downtime. More me time. More freedom. More life. More energy. More sleeping in. More date nights. More girls night out. More lazy mornings. More sex. More coffee. More spare time. More organization. More clean floors. More hours in the day. I’d like more of all of this. I mean what is this daylights saving antiquated bullshit?? If you’re gonna take an hour from me as a working, pregnant mother of 2, you better be giving that back to me somewhere. Anywhere.

So what’s the answer? Wow wouldn’t I be a millionaire if I knew. I like to pride myself on being pretty level headed and, well, all around awesome. I’m not pushy, I’m not someone who loves deadlines and hurried projects, or spending a day “wasted” cleaning the house when we could be doing something far more fulfilling like a family day, with quality home spent. But damn all the loose ends are starting to fuck with me and well, there’s this baby coming like a freight train with quite the deadline and though I have time, that time is similar to most things in that it’s already accounted for.

So here I sit on the eve of my mother’s would have been 60th birthday, feeling sorry for myself. And maybe it’s the everloving grief with a touch of impending depression I feel on these types of days over the last almost 3 years since she’s been gone.

Maybe it’s because she had such a full life and didn’t complain much. Maybe it’s because I miss her and life is really hard for me right now. Maybe it’s because as lucky as I was to have her for the 32 years I had her, I still needed her here. I still wanted more from my mother. I still need her guidance. And I need her now more than ever. And the more time passes, and the more life throws at me, I just wish I had her big loud voice and opinion and her big love filling me up and guiding me somehow. Because the truth is: nobody comes close. Nobody will ever hold a candle to her. Nobody will ever give me the wholeness of understanding that she did. And quite frankly, I’m done seeking it. All I need is inside me, and it came from the queen herself. All the love she poured into me, and the tough love she rubbed on me like sandpaper has given me the greatest lessons I’ll ever need. Has given me all the love I have inside. Has given me all the love I have to give away. Has given me the love I have to redeem myself in my darkest times. Her love alone has given me all the strongest traits I possess today, and I’ll be damned if I waste one ounce.

So mom, tomorrow will surely suck. But in the true fashion of grief, today will suck far more. The anticipation of the day has been creeping in on me since February. I don’t get to shop for you, I don’t get to plan a party for you, I don’t get to buy an outfit and find a babysitter and get all dolled up in your honor and celebrate by slammin back captain and cokes together on a Saturday night with good music, laughter and karaoke. I don’t get to do all my favorite things with my best friend and mom, because God needed her more than I did. And that sucks to know it as a cold hard fact. Know how much I miss you, and need you, and how I long to celebrate WITH you and not celebrate your life here without you. I want you to know that I still remember everything. The trauma is deep in my bones, and travels my mind in a circuit some days. As excruciating as it was to watch your soul leave your body, the aftermath is harder still. I wish you were here. I wish I was hungover this morning because we were together celebrating last night. I wish I could bring you back to spoil you one last time. But more than anything I hope that wherever you are, you can feel how much I love you, and how badly I wish I could hug you so so tight and have you kiss my head through my hair.

Happy birthday eve to you, my beloved mama girl. You’d have been 60, and you probably would have hated saying that number, so. I see what ya did there 👑

HAPPY. FUCKIN!!!! NEW YEAR!!!!!!

Ah. So. Yeah the energy that is January first is usually very enlightening and energizing for me, but this year I felt different. I just wasn’t feeling it. Maybe it’s because I’m pregnant (WITH A GIRL!!!!!)

Maybe it’s because I’m not going on any crazy diet, and the fact that I know I’m mostly just gaining weight for the next 6 months. Yup. And it’s my last pregnancy, and I know that, and I’m ok with it because ya know why? I breast feed like a mother fucker and I usually lose 25/30lbs in my first week of pushing out the child and nursing like a champion. So there’s that. GO. ME.

Also, I’ve had like. A lot of family time. Like a lot. And I bet you have too 🤓 and I’m just ready for that breath of fresh air that’s supposed to swoop in and take you off your feet this month, and yeah I’m still over here tapping my foot waiting on it 😂

It’s hard to reinvent yourself every month, every year, ever other day. It’s hard. And I had a really big change in my professional life this year that I spent hours reading and taking classes and educating myself to switch to a new color line and it was a big adjustment in an otherwise easy breezy part of my life. But I’m better now because of it.

It’s hard to feel like you WANT to reinvent something. Like, I wanna become a minimalist with a micro wardrobe and hahahaa no who am I kidding I’m never gonna be that kind of girl. But no I do want to take every single thing off my wall, buy a new plant for every room in my house and maaaaaaybe purge some clothing. Ya know. Like my hoe clothes I really seriously need to hang up already. Because mama of 3 ain’t going anywhere tropical ANY. TIME. SOON. And my clubbing days are back in prehistoric times now, and I like drinking beers in maxi dresses and we all know I have an abundance of those bad boys though. So. Yeah it’s time. RIP hoe clothes, (though I will NEVER retire my sequins 👑)

I’ve also had some big changes in my personal life this past year. I guess 2018 was pretty eventful after all. My husband started another new business venture and is balls to the wall invested, which means like it or not I kind of have to be too, which is challenging, but I’m slowly making my way into glam-lord territory and we may just be the next Chip + Jo. Every day a new dream is born, right?

Like, here’s a dream – in my head I’m that mom who has sweet potatoes prepped in non toxic glass Tupperware, right next to the kale which is prepped and rubbed with EVOO and I have all my kids snacks in a beautifully kept drawer that they can reach themselves as to lessen the tasks in my day. But in all reality. I ordered pizza two nights in a row this week because pregnancy brain, old friend, you’re a bitch. And I keep forgetting key ingredients to the dinners I’m tryna make. Like yesterday? Everything but the taco meat. Everything. Except the main event. Way to go slick.

So yeah, I fail every day. Every. Day. I fail. Many times. But I still wake up every morning, now, nauseous and tired and wanting to crawl into a cave til spring, I still get up, and pour my entire heart and soul into my children, my home, my husband. Some days it’s hard, some days are easier. I’m an avid and firm believer that communicating and patience can get me anywhere. I am learning not everyone is a good communicator, less than sub par honestly. And not many people have the patience of a patron saint such as myself. So I try to give the 350% even when I only get 60% from others. And that’s on a good day.

So this year. In 2019. I’m promising myself to be a REAL, I repeat REAL woman. What women were put on this earth to do. We were not put on this earth to work like a man, workout like a man, live like a man, think like a man, and pick up all the slack in every single department of everyone else’s lives.

Like, oh, Tina – that hair appt doesn’t work for you because you don’t have daycare? Sorry about that. Your children are adorable but your fucking daycare issues are not my goddamn problem. Oh, Janice, you can’t make it to my 35th birthday celebration because you’ll be on a cruise to the islands with your husband who bought you a new Land Rover for your tenth anniversary? Send me a postcard hun! You KNOW who I’m talking about, these joy sucking, dim your light so theirs can shine, never ever celebrate you BITCHES.

I’m just done. Bending over backwards and emptying my own cup to fill everyone else’s. I’m vowing to only fill the cups of those who fill mine and GIRLLLLLLL, you know who you are. You’re the one clapping for me from way in the back, with a mask on, because your kids have the stomach bug but you still showed up for me 😂🤢 (disclaimer – I have no friends named Tina or Janice and i wish everyone a healthy and flu and stomach bug free winter and spring!)

Ok wow I digress. So yeah, I was put on this earth to do all the things a man cannot do. I can breast feed. I can carry a BABY inside my own body and nurture it when it’s just a little ballpoint pen tip sized grouping of cells. I can create calm inside my head. My heart. My soul. I can create peace for myself and the people who find me worthy. I can rely on, count on, and ask very few people for help, to listen, and I can ask those people to love me. I can use my vulnerability to be SOFT, not hard and scared. I can use my love to lift up others. I can use my calm to speak dreams and hopes into my children’s ears and minds. I can use my sense of community to help my neighbors, my friends. I can use my relatability to make new friends, and break barriers for better relationships. There is so much I as a woman haven’t done yet. And the first chapter begins now, in preparation to become a girl mom in July. (Can you tell I’m pumped I’m having a little queen?! 💕💗👑🥰)

Call it pregnancy empowerment. Call it the new year. Call it I’m sick of feeling mom guilt, every time I leave. anxiety, every time I want to have a conversation about something. And I’m sick – I AM SICK. of feeling depressed!!! Ok?! I’m climbing out of the trenches of my worst feelings and deepest secrets, and scariest demons once and for all and I’m doing it in the name of my mother, my children and my God given meaning and purpose on this beautiful green earth. It’s onward and upward. I’m about to be a mother for the third time. I know how spectacular it is to be a mother in general, but I only have the experience of how to be a mother of boys. I feel this new sense of direction, empowerment, enlightenment and the deepest desire of wanting to be better, the best most amazing version of myself. And ya know what? I have some pretty amazing people in my life. Ones who listen intently. Ones who say nothing at all and let me blurt for 10 minutes straight. Ones I look up do. Ones I trust with my life. And I’m counting on them, and thanking them every minute for never wavering and never leaving me, and never doubting I’d be back. It’s because of the people who love me, and celebrate my successes, the people who lay down next to me when I am dying inside, and run their fingers through the strands of my soul and take away all the knots. These people collected me in their arms and put me back together, and now I’m ready to be me. When they say it takes a village – moms need a village too. So so thankful for mine. I can finally say, that even the hardest days, the fear in my body, the anxiousness in my chest, the guilt in my brain, I know ho to work through it. And yes it’s therapy, (hello Margie you have saved my light. Yes my light) and yes it’s listening to my body, yes it’s sobbing so loud and breathing or tapping it out, or reading a chapter of a great grief book, or doing an activity in my anxiety workbook, that it’s all worked for me up to this point. And at the ripe old age of 34 I am ready to live this life out loud. Laugh. Cry. Cry until I’m laughing through streaming tears. I want to feel all the emotions. Save my money. Spend my money. Eat the dessert and lose the weight. Fulfill my purpose and become so healthy in mind body and spirit, that other people see me and want to do this too. So happy new year. Enjoy it. Because that is what you are here to do.

💕💗CHEERS FRIENDS 💗💕

So. I wanna talk about connectedness. You know the kind I mean. The instant connections you can make with people. Where you lock eyes with someone; be it a man or a woman and you know it’s not the first time you’ve felt familiar looking into these eyes. Yes, maybe in this lifetime, but certainly not the first time. There’s something comforting to me about eyes, and after that, a person’s voice. (Perfect example is how everyone always says they miss somebody’s voice when they’re gone, yet I can always hear my moms voice when I need to. Clear as day in my head.) so I have this connectedness to eyes and voice, and my spiritual sense has guided me in all sorts of directions lately, but never in the wrong territory. Because now I know how to listen, and that the silence doesn’t always need to be interrupted by words.

This past week I spent a small part of my morning with a brand new friend of mine. Yet when I met her I felt like I had known her for a long long time. She opened up to me while we were walking through Homegoods, and then I felt like I could open up to her. But the truth is, we were already two open people galloping through a Friday morning rat race of shuffling kids off to school and leaving babies with family, and doing our part as moms and women in society (to all my classroom moms/pta moms/dance moms/cheer moms or moms that opt out of it all – HOLLA).

And it was just one of those experiences that happens and then it echoes through the rest of your day, and weekend, and then it finds itself in the heart of a Sunday afternoon blog. It’s people like this, that share some of their once, inner most secrets and fears with, life’s biggest challenges with, and of course, we talk about our children like they are living dreams coming to fruition every second of every day.

It got me thinking. Being connected is soooo so important. Feeling a draw to people and their heart stories and their beliefs and values that they’ve collected like ornaments over the years and hung them on a very strong and steady tree that you find yourself wanting to help water and nurture too, now that you know all about their collection. (Please excuse or don’t excuse the Christmas reference, I’m jolly AF this time of year)

Or how about when you have something going on in your life or just internally and you have a specific person in mind that you want to talk to about it? that’s the draw I’m talking about. Or how sometimes I only want to hear my mom’s advice or reaction to a situation or story? And I can’t? Instead of letting it drive me crazy, I look to the people that emulate exactly who my mom was to me. And I know I am so fucking lucky to have those people to be able to call, or drive to and cry to.

With this all being said, I want you to protect your connectedness, and especially this time of year. Or any times during the year that are heightened for you in any emotional way. Just because you let someone into one corner of your soul or body, or mind. It doesn’t mean that they can come into your space and throw their weight around like Jesus Christ. Just because you let them in, does not give them free reign all over your heart map. You allow what you allow. You teach people how to treat you, and you also teach people where your boundaries begin and end. There are some people who aren’t allowed inside my safe space anymore. Every day, I’m concocting a very detailed blueprint for my kids and the way I’m helping them navigate through life is up to my husband and me, not anyone else and mama bear ain’t letting anyone F with that!! I did that for myself after I’ve let people in and then they trampled all over my heart and my pride with their dirty shoes. (And you all know how I feel about dirty shoes) But they certainly won’t get the chance to mess up my kids, I’ll do that all on my own 😂♥️

So in this time of wonderment and festiveness, I’m going to encourage everyone to open up. Your hearts, your eyes, your souls. Open up to the people in your life and let them in. If they love your babies and they can be present in good laughs and hard conversations, they are your people. And for those that have come in and never left? Love them hard, for those are the rarest people in this journey through life. And for anyone looking for a sign to be able to let someone go? Once and for all? Here. It. Is. You can stop the vicious cycle now. You’ll be better off by next Christmas without that person. Let them GO. There’s no room inside your sacred head and heart space for people who suck the joy out things, make you doubt yourself or your life decisions, and even worse voice them out to the universe in your company.

You are worth your weight in gold. You are worth sharing my story with. I want to hear your stories. And I want to encourage you to give a little more of yourself rather than presents this season, because presence is what these trips around the sun are all about!

I wish you healthy, safety, love and happiness now and always. Enjoy the ones you love the most as we enter the madness that is 2 weeks and change before Christmas! God bless ✨

I have to run into target and get candy. Because I haven’t done that yet and HI. It’s Halloween. I dropped my son off this morning and stayed to watch his first little Halloween parade at preschool. And girl, I am a mess. Currently sitting in target parking lot crying listening to Gwen Stefani Christmas music. His teacher said some really special things about my baby and it just touched me in some really deep way.

I’ve been really emotional lately. Lots going on behind the scenes of life, and it’s been busy. And I’ve been making a lot of changes. Like big ones. I’ve been getting rid of people who don’t add value to my life. People who are just NOSEY, not interested. People who speak fluent frenemy. People who don’t love me. Here’s a big BYE, and a 🖕🏼 to you. I saw that quote recently that says “check on your strong friend” and it was cool because I realized, all my friends are strong. And so am I. And I may be trying to live a more natural chemical-free life and get rid of the shit in my cleaning products and in my food and guess what – I don’t need your fucking opinion on what I’m doin. I lost my mom. Due to toxins that were put in her body, yes she smoked, and girl did she like her captain and coke, but she also entrusted her health to doctors to fix her and what they concocted for fixing actually killed her. And two years later, while my brother and sister and our families have rallied together and tried to emulate my mothers’ very essence, there have been some dark hearted people trying to bring us down, and bring us more pain. I never ever thought I’d say that losing my mom now is one of the easier parts of death. I said that wrong. Losing her and watching her go still to this very day is fucking excruciating to think about, but I thought that was the worst part. It was and wasn’t. There are evil people in this world, trying to steal joy and happiness and health and mental stability from us. From you, from me, from our children.

Guys it’s our job to be the good. Shed that good clean light out of our bodies like sunshine. Like sunshine on the hardest gloomiest day. I pray every day for the health and happiness of everyone I love. I thank God every day for what he’s given me. I say positive things out loud, I write them, and I try my very best to help other people get into a headspace similar to mine because it’s literally changing my life.

I don’t give two flying fucks if you want to stay low in frequency. But I wish you’d try to rise up and vibrate on another level. I wish you’d research how awful GMO’s are and how they are poisoning you and your kids. I wish you’d care about the food you eat as much as your hair or nail appointment. I wish you’d wanna clean your floors with natural lemon, and also, eat natural lemon. I want everyone to cut the shit out of their life. If it’s a person, a piece of meat this week, or check one thing you feed your kids and see what’s in that shit. THROW IT AWAY.

I’m on a rant and I know, but it’s because it’s important. And we worry and we stress and we only have this one life.

Tomorrow starts the greatest season of all; Thanksgiving. And you can unfollow me or crawl back under that dumdum rock of yours and be who you’ve always been, or you can change with me. One of my fav quotes is “when you know better you do better” my good friend Patti has said this to me since I myself was 21. She’s been a light, a lifeboat, a ladder and SO much more to me. I may even say at times she’s doubled as a mother for me. It makes me cry happy ugly tears to think of her and how truly good she is down to her soul. And she has helped change the course of my life in many ways and I guess this is my thank you to you, P ❤️ I love you. And I want to always aspire to be more like you.

So back to my quote – I know better now. So I’m trying my best to do better. And if doing better is sharing my knowledge about what you are putting in on and around your body, soul, heart, brain and belly and how it is affecting you every day. I am in no way shape or form perfect. I’ve gained 5 pounds since summer, I let my kids have candy sometimes for breakfast. I let a lot of things bother me that shouldn’t, I feed my anxiety sometimes instead of feeding my dreams, I’m a real bitch to my husband some days, and I’m a work in progress every day. The people who speak to and around me are powerful. They celebrate me. They get me. They love me, they check on me, and they bring me up. And my family? They are the beat of my heart, the seeds in my soul, and the love they give to me is heavier than the earth itself, it is worth it’s weight in gold.

So today, I want you to enjoy your family, your babies, your m o m. Drive to your mom’s house if you can and show her your kids in their costumes; damn I so wish I could do that tonight…. Take too many pictures. Read a few good quotes. Ask your kids about their day. Tell your hubby how hard working he is, and what a wonderful daddy he is. Dudes, if there’s any way you’re reading this 😂 tell your wife she’s a fucking super hero. And she has a great ass, and that you are so proud of her and how she always pulls it together for you.

Happy Halloween. And tomorrow, remember this new season is hard for many of us out here in the world. Making our way through another holiday season without some very special people who should still be here. Kiss your babies. Thank God for what he’s given you. What he’s giving you 👑✨🙏🏼