You ever have one of those moments that

just pop into your brain and almost instantly your eyes are welling up with tears? Or see a picture that stirs something inside you to the point where you can belly laugh at loud? Ever share an encounter with someone that has you wishing you could actually slow time down right there and have the measure of a minute switch with the measure of an hour? Or have a conversation, one of those conversations you read about in books, the kind that explore the deep dark corners of your brain, of your soul. A moment that feels new and exciting but comfortable and perfectly broken in.

This to me is how I feel when I’m with my family. The people I love with all my might and those people love me and protect me back. It’s like having a secret only you know, but you don’t even want to tell anyone because it’s too good to want to share with anyone else.

I spent the weekend at my brother and sister in law’s house this past weekend and I have some sort of happy hangover where I’m just missing them. And I wonder why I wanted to grow up so bad. And I wonder why children are supposed to move out and move on and move away. Why schedules conflict and events pop up quickly and sometimes pass you right by. Why seeing people you love feels so good inside your heart. How it fills you up and you’re immediately a better person because you had some time with the best humans you know. My people. The people who make me feel understood, and safe, and loved. We talked about our mom and our memories. We laughed. We drank and ate and went to the beach. We were together, and I forget the rest 💙🌊👑

If you’re lucky enough to have at least one person in your life that makes you feel completed and secure, someone that you can be your truest self around, you’re lucky enough. Nourish these relationships, cherish these people, protect them and love them. Take the day off work and make the 4.5 hour drive with two kids and go. Just. Go. Because tomorrow isn’t always promised and these are the feelings that go with you when you leave this place. Just go be with your people, and fill your heart with happy. They are the ones who know me best. They’re the ones who make me laugh, who know why I’m crying. The ones who call me out on my shit and the ones who won’t let me take any shit. We share the exact sense of humor, we laugh the same, sneeze the same, and we’re all night owls. We talk with our hands, we like day drinking on the beach, and we like to eat. They’re my brother and sister and we belong to eachother. I never realized just how special they are to me and how pure our bond really is. How much they’re a piece of me now and always. We all sprang to life inside the same womb. The womb of the greatest woman to ever walk God’s green earth. Thanks for a really great weekend to my two favorites. Mom would have loved our sibling weekend 👑👑👑

Guuuuuuuys. It’s been too long! But being a mother of two is like all consuming in every way. Every single possible way. Like, allllll the ways, they’re consumed AF. So as I sit here with my milk supply on fleek and a watermelon brewski in hand, I find myself needing to write. Because last night and the night before I was way too entertained by #BIP, and this weekend I’m throwing my phone into the ocean once I get to NJ and unfuckingplugging 🙅🏽🏝👌🏼 to be with my absolute favorite people on earth 😁😁😁

How do I identify as a mother of two?! As if the bags under my eyes, constant smell of something scurvy in my nose, triple time in the laundry room and just your general mom brain trail of stupidity lingering in my wake wasn’t enough, here’s a new all time low: I used the rest of my pack of tucks pads to dust my bathroom recently. Yeah I did that. Because why the fuck not. I was done with said butt wipes and didn’t wanna waste a good thing, and also didn’t want the reminder of how bad my ass hurt for the month after giving birth/getting cut after birth for general repairs and then getting bit by a Lyme-carrying tick and all the other reasons you could imagine your ass hurting after pushing an almost 10lb baby out of the neighboring hole. I also don’t remember the last time I changed my sheets but I’m gonna strip my bed tomorrow because HOLLER IM GOING AWAY TO NJ THIS WEEKEND!!! And you’re not a mom until you clean your house when it’s gonna be empty. But the feeling of coming home to a museum-esq house is a fantasy I can get behind. Also you’re not a mom until you’re yelling at teenagers for speeding through your neighborhood. Also not a mom until you’re breastfeeding on the toilet. OK. Moving on. You’re welcome for all the uncomfortable visuals.

I know that my heart has certainly grown that entire world in size since the last time we spoke. It’s absolutely surreal insane crazy how much love you can carry inside your heart. And you know how I mentioned in my birth story how I forgot how much you love your husband after you give birth? Well there’s another part of the fourth trimester where sometimes you actually envision stabbing perfect husband’s eyeballs out and roasting them like the eggplant in your table scape centerpiece and serving them up to honestly whoever the fuck will eat them. True story. Promise. If you’re pregnant and want the whole truth about pregnancy please message me and I promise to be honest and tell you all the shit no one else will! (Dan, I love you so much it actually hurts sometimes, and I would never do your perfect golden green eyes any harm, but Jesus Christ put your clothes in the hamper before I stroke out thanks)

There’s this really genuine and innocent completely consuming love that has snuck up inside my world. Where I’m laying in bed at night and hear three different mouths breathing. And I can identify each breathing pattern to the person it belongs to. That I have three dudes’ mouths to kiss before I myself close my eyes to say my prayers and thank God for all he’s bestowed upon me. Thank my mom for being here in a new way for me. And count all the blessings that were once just a dream inside my head, for coming to fruition in my life. When I’m dressing the baby and talking to him in the bedroom as daddy is doing tubby time with Mav, and we both say I love you at the same exact time to two different people. To our two favorite people. To the two beautiful people we created together and brought into this world.

There are so many ways I feel love in a day that sometimes I have to stop and actually say out loud to God, thanks. Thank you for giving me this life and all its trimmings. The magic inside the little moments. The love that fills me up. The tears that sometimes just spill out from the utter gratitude I have for the way tragedy has changed almost everything I experience.

So here’s a little story for you. Since I last wrote, my sister in law had her third baby! Once upon a time, around 3 years ago my SIL was dying for a baby boy. With one beautiful little daughter with strawberry blonde hair and milky blue eyes already holding her heart in her dainty little hands, Trisha was rrrrreaally trying for a boy. Like if you know Trisha, she is one bound and determined woman and any advice anyone gave her to make a boy she was trying. Of course, my mom always loved Trisha and gave her two cents on the matter. “Put a turtle under your bed, any kind of turtle and have sex, that’s what makes a boy” if my memory serves me correctly I believe my mom even gave me one of those little wooden turtles with the bobble head from an island, to give to my SIL. Or an anklet or something. Unsure. Flash forward, Trisha had baby girl #2, beautiful and blonde, and looks like she fell off her mama’s face to be honest because Lemere genes run strong. So, once she got pregnant for the third time she was against any and all tricks, shticks and any tomfoolery that promised to get her the little man she so desired, and left it up to God to grant her baby wishes.

On August 6th, (the night before her first contraction woke her up around 3 in the morning), Trisha’s husband Brian came in the house with something out of the wilderness, like he so often does. Deer, bees nests, elk, you name it, Brian has brought it indoors. So here is this thing, in a ziplock bag and much to Trisha’s surprise it was a turtle shell. A TURTLE SHELL. I wouldn’t hear this story until almost 9 o’clock on August 7th when we went to the hospital to see that Trisha, Brian and their two precious girls had welcomed, finally, a little man to the family! To say My SIL took the turtle shell as a direct sign from the Queen up above is the most magical and special understatement. Not to mention I think she’s seen a turtle every day since Jameson Charles was born 🙂 🐢✨👑 My mom always loved Trishy so much so there is no doubt that my mom is like hey, just a reminder that was me!!! And of course just straight cranking out babies from up above. The bond Trish and I share is something pretty awesome and so very rare. To find a best friend inside your in laws is a wonderful surprise and one that I’ve always held close to my heart. When she shared this story with me, it was late and we were rushing but my eyes filled up in the hospital room and then again on my way home when I realized how truly moving this story was. And how important the bonds we make in life echo into eternity. That when you go you truly take nothing but love with you. And then you send it back, in the most beautiful way.

So as always my message is simple. Love the ones you got. Because they’re all you got. I’m so very thankful for my brother and my sister, and the family I gained when I met Dan. Trishy, Nana, KyPie and Loo, you’re all so special to me and I’m so happy that I have you women in my life, and my children’s lives. We are so so blessed in every way.

As for me, I’m just trying every day to live my best life with all the people I love. The people who love me, and check in on me. I love being a mom of two, suffer from extreme mom guilt and have never enjoyed work more. I cannot stand people who sit in judgement, who think they know best, and my fear of clowns is still strong AF. I love talking about my kids to a fault. So bear with me as I fall in love with a new dreamy little human for the second time in this life 😍 And as always, thanks for reading!!!

I can’t tell you how hard it was being in a hospital this exact week a year after I was in the hospital with my angel mother. The white board. The hospital bed. The wrist tags. The curtains. The bathroom toilet. Nurses names flooded my head. More things I pushed to a pocket of my brain spilled out and over to my direct line of thinking. 
Except I was here for a happy reason. I’m here bringing a new life into the same cruel world that made me say goodbye to my mom. With such a full and hopeful heart, I couldn’t help but notice the anxiety that set in my first night alone in the hospital. My tender little fragile heart was still stained with such extreme sadness since I knew my mom wasn’t here. That she wouldn’t be coming with 18 outfits for Ace, a pound of rigatoni for me, asking me “Bree! Wanna beer?” Ugh. My heart.
This really isn’t a sad post. It’s actually a happy one, aaaand my birth story is kind of cool. Because I know the angels involved. I know who was handling this sweet beautiful boy before he was placed in my hands. I know the love and I know the light that he was surrounded by. Much more sophisticated love than I can even understand, cocooned him before I get to even try to match how big that love is. Because my mom was loving him. For 41 weeks, little Ace Christopher got to meet and be molded by the same soul and be touched by the same pair of strong and tender hands that once held me. Everything that surrounded my pregnancy all made sense in the very moment he entered my world. 

Last Thursday night, I had found a Father’s Day card mixed in with blank cards in a drawer, that had my mom’s handwriting in it. Of course, things like this still take my breath away and I opened it and realized my mom had written it to Dan. “Happy First Father’s Day Dan! You’ll be a great daddy!” I brought it downstairs and gave it to my husband and he simply said, “he’s coming on Father’s Day” and I said really? Ya think so? And he said “babe I haven’t gotten a sign from your mom yet, and this is her telling me ya know since she can’t physically be there, she’s telling me I got you Dan!” We both kind of filled up with tears, and as he set the card out atop the microwave, as if he just received a fresh new card for Father’s Day 2017, the tin foil print on the front of the card caught a glimpse of light and almost glowed, and that’s when I knew Dan was right. 

Fast forward to Saturday morning, and my water broke. Fast forward past an at home pedicure, a swift walk around the neighborhood, two dogs that were almost given away, size two diapers in my own underwear, nana and papa coming in to save the day with a crock pot full of goodness, a surprise show up of my brother and his wife with my sissy and dad at my front door later, and we were on our way to the hospital and our home was full of the people we love putting our first bruiser to bed as we went off into the night to add our new little boy to the world.
We parked and walked into a sleepy Saratoga hospital where we were greeted by lots of smiles. By midnight I had a dose of statol to “relax me” and within seconds I felt like I was on the comet at Great Escape. Or the rotor, still unsure. Dan was pissing his pants laughing at me and I was happy to be able to make him smile. Let me just stop right here to give this man all the praise and all the glory. During my pregnancy he has made me breakfast lunch and dinner, mopped our floors, remembered to water the flowers, given me the last bite, bought me endless amounts of skor bars and iced Dunkin waters, created quite the relationship with our mail lady over how many packages show up at our house in preparation for baby #2 during a major renovation, worked sun up to sun down and then would come home and work on the house, the yard, our master bedroom, and still have it in him for a little more of my honey do punch list, tubby and teeth with the first boy, and then usually passing out in the middle of story time with Mav. Since we’ve been home as a family of 4, this has all continued plus a newborn with all that entails, and in the midst of it all I forgot just how much you love your husband after you bring a life into the world together like a team. And that’s what we are. LOVE YOU BOO! And love what we’ve done.
Ok so statol was wild, an hour or two in I asked for an epidural and before I knew it I had a peanut ball between my legs, I was so exhausted and the midwife came in and said “oh! his head is right there let’s have a baby!” 
I felt completely calm and in total control. I had 4 women cheering me on in the most gentle and enthusiastic way and my best friend to my right saying what I needed to hear when it needed to be said, sharing looks and reassuring me every moment. I pushed 4 sets of 3, and on my second to last round of pushing I looked at Dan and he looked at me and we both started to cry. Because we couldn’t believe we were almost done. (Hello I was in labor for 43 hours with Mav, and pushed for almost 3 hours and had 4 black eyes and couldn’t walk for two days. To say I was scared to death to do this again is the most grandiose understatement ever) In just under 15 minutes we had ourselves a slice of heaven here on earth, gently resting over my heart. I was finished. It went fast and it was beautiful. I was so relieved. We had our newest member, we were together and it wasn’t even 10am on Father’s Day. 

Father’s Day last year my mother was put on life support. And one full circle of a year later I was bringing a brand new life into this world. As awful as it was to be alone that first night in the hospital and seeing the dates coincide with dates I thought I’d forever hate, I felt my mom. I know she was there right next to me. She knew every emotion I was feeling in that moment and in an instant I felt warmth inside, and all around me and then I fell asleep. I woke up to a new world on Monday. A world that felt a little less cruel, a little less evil. I woke up knowing I’ve created my family with the most amazing man. We did it together, intentionally and with great love and care. My son was in love with his new best friend, and all the weight I’ve been carrying around was gone in that moment. 
Thank you Ace Christopher for choosing me as your mother. You came to me exactly when God intended you to. I promise to keep your mind full of happiness, your soul free and wild, and your heart full of pure and innocent love. And mama, thanks for giving me your strength when I need it the most. 

Let me tell you a story about June 8th. Once upon a time Dan and I had set out to get married at one of our favorite places on the Jersey Shore. It was called Martell’s Waters’ Edge and it was your quintessential beach town wedding venue. Complete with rocking tables that swayed when the docks moved, panoramic views of the Barnegat bay, a baby grand piano, an atrium/greenhouse style room for happy hour, and all the beach rock, drift wood and sand a girl could ever imagine for pictures. The view was beautiful and the water front aisle I was supposed to walk down was wind-y and paved with more beautifulness I could have ever dreamed up. Our deposit was down, our save the dates were out and we were in the thick of planning a beach wedding from afar. Until hurricane Sandy hit and washed away this beautiful place with so many of my very wedding dreams. We wound up changing the town from Bayville to Glenville. The state from New Jersey to New York. And the date from June 8th to June 7th. We married at the Light House at Waters’ Edge. Coincidences? Absolutely not. 
As we approach the one year anniversary of my mother’s passing I can’t help but feel a different, very hollowing sense of nostalgia. I feel helpless in trying to feel good about this day in particular as this was the day my mother entered the hospital. We were told the most terrifying, earth shattering news, but we clung to hope and our faith. The days’ events were brutal. Though not as brutal as her last day on earth. I can’t help but use my sense of spirituality to determine now why I was never to wed on June 8th. Because who would ever want to share such a happy day with such saddening and life altering news. If it was God, an act of nature, or a contract I signed with somebody up above before I arrived here that this was my life plan, I’ll never know. What I do know is this is another one of those moments that haven’t made sense to me until almost exactly a year later. Especially today, when I saw this picture on my Facebook memories asking for prayers and white healing light. 

What a beautiful, wonderful mountain of a woman she was.
Flashes of her breathing pop in and out of my head. When we were asked to stand on the other side of the curtain, as if that would protect us somehow. I wish they just asked us to leave the hospital at that point. Dan and I had spent the night, her final night, the night before. Somehow when they told us we had to leave at 6am for a little while, I found my way back home to my parents’ house and Dan found his way to our baby. Before I knew it, it was 10am and I was in the shower getting ready to head back to the hospital. I heard my mother clear as day inside my head talking to me. I hate that she couldn’t talk. I felt helpless that day. Like I had been beat at the most excruciating game. Like I was watching a puppy get kicked to death. Like I wanted to cry because it was just so unfair that there was nothing I could do but hold her hand, sing to her as she took her last breaths and try my hardest to save this in a part of my brain that one day I could shovel out and dump away into the garbage because nobody should have to witness something so absolutely horrifying. I wanted to protect her and everyone in that room watching. And listening. Listening was just as hard. I remember trying to drown out the sounds and that’s why I sang. Try as hard as I might, these images and sounds are still at the tip of my brain. Some nights I have to keep my eyes open so that my brain can stop thinking about it. I ask her to take these images from me, and I know if she could she would. And I try to forget them myself, but things that disturbing aren’t so soon forgotten. 

Today I stand strong as a different person then I was almost a year ago. I’m broken, and cynical, I’m stronger and optimistic. I wish happiness and health for other people and my heart actually breaks when I hear of anyone losing someone close to them. I offer different variations of comfort now. Unfortunately I know what to do in these situations of absolute despair. Today I still shake my head in disbelief when I make the realization for the 349th day in a row that my mother is gone. Today I still feel like I need her here. Today I mourn my mother in ways that are positive for me, and for the people who understand what that means. 
Any day now, I will bring new life into this world. A new soul, one that I’m certain my mom is holding right now. A little tiny soul that has been touched by my mother. What a gift for me that God has blessed me with; to witness the complete circle of life, in the same month, almost down to the exact day, inside the same year I lost my favorite girl.

Outside our window, there’s the loudest cricket tonight. One little lone ranger who made it through the rain. The song this insect is singing made me realize that 8 years ago today my husband asked me to be his girlfriend 💗 it was late and the grass was wet. my teeth were chattering as they often did when I was around him, and the frogs were croaking in his mom’s front yard. My world became a different place. The ground shifted below my feet and my heart did a dance of love. It’s crazy how memories have a way of sneaking up on you. Perfectly and just when you need a reminder of how magical love is. 8 years later, 2 homes, 2 dogs, and almost two children, and 4 days before our fourth wedding anniversary, our love feels so new yet so familiar and broken in. I’m a lucky girl 🙏 I never knew what we would build together, but I knew we would always take pride in US. We don’t have it all together, but I know that our son is a dream, and we’re about to bring another life into this world, our house is a home, and our love is my favorite love on earth 😘💜

Before the new baby comes I just want to hold some moments close to my heart. Stop time in its tracks, and freeze my life for a few seconds. Especially my life with you. You’re still the best part of my days. I still love watching your eyes slowly flutter shut a few times before you finally allow yourself to fall asleep. I love watching the way you drink, and the way you eat. I love the way you have become a miniature human who helps more than I ever thought you could at just three years young. I love the way you problem solve and I love the way you stand your ground. I love the way you ask me to snuggle you. I love tubby time together. I love when you tell me the most detailed stories. I love your memory. I love how empathetic you are. And how excited you get. I love the wonder inside your mind. I love the way you make my mind stretch and bend in ways I never thought possible. I love your light brown hair that gets kissed with ginger in the summertime. I love your muddy green eyes. Your little gritty voice is my favorite sound on God’s green earth. I want you to know I prayed for all of these things. I love when you flip your pillow over because you like the cold side best. I have adored you long before I ever even met you, and in between every second we have shared together and apart, my love for you only grows deeper, and wilder, and more 🙂 I love the way you speak. How you annunciate your words. Sometimes I don’t even correct you when you say something in your own little way, because it’s too cute to let go just yet. The way you talk with your eyes. The way you throw your hands around my neck and underneath my hair when you really missed me because I worked that day. I love when you pull me and daddy in close to you and hug us with all your might. I love the way you show love. I love the way you explain something with such animation. Your dance moves are crazy. I love the way you want to be daddy’s shadow. I love that you want to come to work with both of us. Do you know that whenever we’re away from you, all we do is talk about how much we love you?! I love how you never cease to amaze me in all the small ways you show me just how brilliant you are. I think you’re smarter than me. I am always in awe of you my favorite little buddy. You’re about to become a big brother, and your world as you know it, will change. If only for a little while, until you forget all together, it was ever just you me and daddy. I hope you always know how much I love you. How you created a new person inside me, the second I found out we created you. You have surpassed my biggest hopes and deepest wishes in only three short years and I cannot wait to see the little man you continue to become. You’re my lover boy, my special angel and my favorite human. I don’t know how my heart will be able to grow an entire world in size to hold more love for another little love just like you, but I know you’ll be there to help me learn how. You are an amazing and beautiful little creature of God, and I thank him every day for choosing me to be your mama. I love the way you laugh, and still tear up when you cry. I love the way you run out the front door when the ice cream man is coming down the street, and hold one finger up and yell “one minute!!” I love all the little things you do that I’ve kept precious track of. You’re a blessing every day to me and to everyone who meets you. I know in the next phase of our journey together you’ll continue to amaze me, and I can’t wait to give you your best friend for life. Mama loves you forever little du!

I have a newfound respect for all of the people out there that don’t have moms. I feel like though I’ve certainly had my hard days, nothing is as sore as my heart today. All the special tables set up in book stores, Bath and Body Works, Yankee Candle, Francesca’s. CVS. My God, even Price Chopper at the flower counter I had to walk a little bit faster as to pretend I didn’t see the adorable little pink potted plant in a tin watering can that I couldn’t have left in the store because I’d have to have gotten it for my mom. 
It reminds me I didn’t have to buy her a birthday present two months ago, and no Christmas presents this past December. It reminds me, that I don’t have a mom. I don’t have anyone to peruse these tables and displays for. I mean I have lots of moms in my life but ugh. My heart. Honestly can’t take much more. But this experience, that is an every day battle, prepared me for the reality that the days leading up to feeling her absence in all its weight, are actually harder than the day I’m dreading. And can I be honest? It’s gonna suck receiving texts on Mother’s Day that people are “thinking of me” although I know the intention is wonderful and so kind, as I myself have always made it a point to reach out to my friends without moms on that Sunday, and now I know – it sucks! Because no words and no flowers and no hanging plant baskets and no wind chimes from Pier One will ever, ever bring her back.
I even argued with my sister today which honestly almost never happens. This weekend I felt a shift and let Dan know that this will probably be a hard week for me, and that’s when he silently searched my eyes with his and said “I know it will be babe” and in one moment I felt better knowing he both anticipated that statement, and was okay with it, and in another I felt selfish and so bad that he too suffers from my sadness on an entirely different level that I don’t even understand. Dan Phillips you are my angel and I still don’t know how I got so lucky to be loved by you in this life. 
So, if I could tell you one thing it’s that, with every good week there is a week where disaster tears through my heart. With every bout of laughter there is an ugly cry hiding inside a pillow or behind a bedtime t-shirt. There is still, a very deep and gaping hole in the middle of my broken heart.
Today Mav asked me something, which for a three year old, by all means was a weird and out of left field question. He said “mama are you weak?” And I felt myself almost puff my chest out with pride and I said “nope buddy!” And he said “are you shaw?” And I said “if there’s one thing mommy is not, it’s weak.” And I felt so proud and like my blood was infused by my mother’s soul itself in that moment. And it’s times like these when my son acts wise beyond his years and asks me questions that matter and carry real weight with them that I know I’m ok. I know I’m ok because, as I’ve said before, I am Rita’s daughter. And all the blood sweat and tears she put into me, made me. She made me soft and she made me strong. She buffed my rough edges with her gentleness but made sure to keep my heart safe and my mind sound by offering me a pinch of tough love when I so needed it most. She spent her life shaping mine. She loved me and she loved everyone I loved like they were her own. She fed you, she clothed you, she washed your underwear. She was everyone’s mom. She may have even let you have a captain and coke with her when you were 17, if you were sleeping over. Her life was so important to her, and now it’s so special to realize that. Her whole life she prided herself on raising her children, even when we were adults. And now because of her, and the way she taught us love, we belong to each other now more than we ever did before. Even in the very bitter end, we all let her go knowing we were each her favorite. Imagine being loved by her? I hope you can because it was the greatest love I’ve ever known. 
This Mother’s Day, if you are one of the lucky ones, skip the brunch. Skip the presents and the hustle bustle of it all. Take your time to tell your mother how much you love her and everything she means to you. Do something special that you will remember. 
Because last year, was my last year to celebrate my mom. I certainly did not know that it would be the last chance to write to her in a card, or spend time with her, or make her a special cocktail that I could drink with her. We went to brunch at the Thirsty Owl in Saratoga, and then we came back to my house. I bought a bunch of desserts from Healthy Living and she of course enjoyed a piece of each. She got me a bathtub caddy and bath bombs. She sat on my couch being her typical funny self, and I remember not wanting to leave her side while she was here, and hoping somehow she would sleep over that night. I looked forward to more days spent celebrating in my new home. Her helping me in the garden, picking out paint colors, telling Dan he should get me a chandelier for my walk in closet. Her telling me my sauce was missing something, or that I cut the onions too thick. 

Oh mom. I miss you so much. I miss you in everything I do. I miss your voice, and your laugh. And your tan hands and silver rings in the summertime. And your smile. And when you would sing. And when you would kiss me on my neck and ear and in my hair 10 times in a row when we’d leave each other. I miss your two cents. I miss the way you smell. I miss the way you loved me. I’d do anything for one more minute with you. Happy Mother’s Day, your first one in heaven, and the first one that feels like hell down here.
I still needed you 👑💗✨

It’s Saturday night. My toddler is due to wake up from his nap 30 minutes ago, and the baby inside me is surely going to be an acrobat when he gets out. Read: his flips and kicks are actually adding to my nausea. Nausea you ask? Yes. 8.5 months pregnant and still taking anti- nausea medicine. This kid’s a doozie. My super hunky husband is out making some rounds for his upcoming work week, and I get the near never moment of silence to take a break and be still inside my sacred space that is my HOME 🙂 
Work is starting to prove difficult. Standing on your feet with 15 extra pounds on the ever-growing-warmer days AIN’T what it’s cracked up to be. Shit hurts. I will say proudly, this time, I am all belly and have been the vision of a healthy pregnant woman and I can say so, because my doctors say so, and even complimented how cute my ankles were at last Friday’s appointment. So contrary to popular belief, and going against my former statement of saying I’m the worst pregnant person alive, I’m actually doing pretty fantastically. 
Horn tooted, and I’m moving on. Mooooo-ving. Get it 😂 ok so seriously this is my point for today, and DEFINITELY something to keep in the forefront of your mind for always. Negative people FUCKING SUCK. (Hard CK) so satisfying to curse for me, it really is. Whether it’s someone you’re trying to befriend, a neighborhood group on Facebook, a nasty cashier at target (kidding they don’t exist) maybe more like a nasty cashier at – idk actually a good example because everyone is pretty pleasant to the pregnant girl lately. HOW. EVER. It has come to my attention in the form of a meme/pin/quote how being negative or miserable genuinely gets you up shit creek without a paddle. And without ANY friends. Take me for example. Do I bitch and moan and complain? Of course. I am a woman. I am pregnant. I’m someone who caters to other people’s needs as a CAREER, and I totally have my days where I am a salty bitch. But. This week, I have brought food to my neighbor, brought ice cream to my sister at work, and even gave up my own pregnant ice cream cup to her co-worker Paul because I’m pretty fucking amazing. And know why I am allowed to say that? Because I just said I can also be a salty bitch!
Imagine if we all took ownership of the bad stuff we did as much as we took ownership of the good stuff?? Imagine if you had to? Like ok – I paid for the guy’s coffee behind me a few days ago, (mainly because I ordered more stuff at the window and FELT GUILTY for holding up the line) – which actually once I decided to do so, realized he definitely didn’t order coffee and more like he owned the drink run for a family of 7, and I actually didn’t tell a soul until just now because it’s a rule that if you do good you keep it to yourself. But imagine if I went around telling people this story of my good deed and #RAOK only to bitch about how much money I spent? Or if I told you on the way out of Dunkin I had a bout of road rage and cursed profanities at a car that cut me off? (I DIDN’T. I swear.) But honestly why would I even give energy and breath to being nasty? And then to tell the story about how I was nasty is so super stupid and so super pointless but then people who do that waste so much time on reliving a moment that is SO NOT WORTH reliving because it already sucked once!!! And don’t even GET ME STARTED on Facebook and Instagram comments/bad online reviews – especially the phony ones. Who knew that many grammar police and perfect moms and patron saint neighbors and automatic professionals were so abundant??? MY GOD. I am so sick of the negativity, the passive aggressiveness, the judgey SOB’s, the miserable people that unfortunately make their way out into the world some days, and even more horrifying, the days they cross our paths! Ugh! I guess my patience at 33 years young is really just wonderful some days. Because there are days I want to give my snippy two cents I’m saying in my head a silver platter to sit upon and slap across the side of some of these trolls’ heads! But. I gain my motherly, worldly composure and S M I L E instead and hope that I am the light that other people so desperately and promptly need in their otherwise under a rock type darkness of a life.
So, let me offer you this. DO BETTER. Most of us were raised by strong ass women. I myself? A queen. So I know you KNOW better! Be nice. Don’t be the huffy puffy crotchety woman. Bring a bag to pick up your dog’s shit on a nice leisurely evening walk. Smile at the cashier. Avoid commenting something negative. Be constructive without the criticism. Hold the damn door for the person behind you (and not just when you realize they’re elderly or PREGNANT! Yes this happened to me… today). Take your earbuds out, put your phone down and connect with your nail girl. Look at your husband when he’s talking to you, and kiss his perfect lips. If you don’t think your husband’s lips are perfect, find something else you love and compliment him tonight! Offer the UPS guy a cold drink on one of these hot days. Bring your favorite neighbor a bone for his dog (thanks Bill!) just be nice. My God, it takes zero effort and costs nothing to just be a decent human. Especially to your people. Hold onto them. Feed them with love and kindness. Thank them for being exactly who they are. Protect your innocence, because it’s the closest link to kindness we have left inside these 30 something year old brains… and hearts. And if someone says something to you you don’t like? You have every right to keep your mouth, and your heart, closed to that kinda negativity. And then quietly in a dark corner of you brain, put your sunglasses on, turn the music up, and simply say – Bitch, bye! 

The sweet things in life that happen to me are, of course, so very sweet. But I can’t help but feel a pang of sadness when I’m celebrating something exciting. This morning I paid off my student loan and all I want to do is call my mom and tell her I’m picking her up and taking her out for a pedi and lunch. She’d probably push her luck and ask me to buy her a pressie, which I would, and it would be the best afternoon I’ve had in a very, very long time. 
I can’t believe in 4 short days it will be 9 months without her here. I’m tired and so very pregnant and I would do almost anything to have one conversation with my girl. To hear her laugh. To look at a picture of her and not feel a tornado of emotions as to why I have so many framed pictures of her all over my house. To ask her which color I should paint my master bedroom and take her to Marshall’s to pick out curtains. It’s certainly gotten more bearable on the day to day. I can breathe without it hurting. The heavy cloak of sadness has been lighter, and that feels nice. I can smile at our memories. I can laugh with my husband without feeling sad. LOTS has changed and lots I don’t talk about because it’s just too painful and too private. But in this stage of my grief I finally have found what I’m comfortable with. That’s my relationships with my husband and son. My sister. My brother. The girls at work don’t even know how much they keep me up. My mother in law has been a true blessing. Her heart is gold. My best girlfriends. For being exactly who they promised they would be and for always picking up the phone or answering novel texts when I just don’t know who I am. For talking me off the ledge, and helping me with day to day decisions that once were so easy for me. In these girls I have found little pieces of my mother. Do you have any idea how important that is? These people have taken big breaths out of their own lives and breathed life back into me through loving me, listening, and just being present. Now my broken heart is sewn back together with these magical golden threads that have truly become a part of this new version of me. I can’t help but think about how hard the one year anniversary of my mother’s leaving me earthside will be. Mixed in with lack of sleep and post pardom, I can’t help but be a little worried (read terrified) but because of the people who love me and check on me, and squeeze me extra hard on the days where I’m a mess – I can do it, and I’ll move through it even if at a snail’s pace. If for nothing and nobody else but all of them. Soon I’ll become a mother of two, and as happy as that is and what a miraculous gift I am being given, I can’t help but feel a little selfish in the fact that my mom won’t be there this time. In the room. Coaching me, calming Dan. Holding our baby for the first time. It kills me actually. Downright breaks my heart. But I know she’s here. She’s in almost every dream I have lately, and even my cooking has improved over the last 9 months, so there’s that to all be thankful for 🙂 

My Mama. As we approach another milestone in the wake of your loss, please know how much I still need you. And how much I love you still. I thank you for answering me, and somehow still showing up. And I hope every day I make you proud. I hope I make you smile. Actually, I know I do 💗