I must say, I’ve never felt more wrong about something in my life. I always thought when I spoke to someone seriously that I usually used all my filters and mustered up my sense of humility and empathy before I opened my mouth. I thought for sure I followed the golden rule as to not say anything at all if I couldn’t say something nice, comforting or thoughtful.

Grief has proved me wrong; dead wrong. as many people that have reached out to me to say nice things and offer their support, almost none of it takes any pain away. Almost none of it helps my aching heart. I’ve been told that grief comes in waves, and wow, it does. 

Everything I used to be as I know it is gone. My calm, my peace, my patience is missing. I have to put on razor sharp focus goggles and strap them tight to my head for the simplest things now. Everything feels elevated, anxious and sometimes I’m terrified by it.

These days the waves are full of salt and sand and they cut me like a blade, starting on the insides of my heart and making their way to my brain and then the waves sink onto my shoulders and lay there like a wet heavy coat.

Everything hurts. Smiling, laughing, breathing. It hurts. I’m thankful for my dad, my brother and my sister. My husband and my glorious golden son. 

I hate to leave my house unless it’s to be at my mom’s. I like to go through her things and smell them, touch them and put them on. I like to find her overnight bags she never got to unpack. It has her favorite jewelry, one or two miniature empty shot bottles of captain, a tooth brush and 7 tubes of cream, Alex and Ani bracelets in another Henry Bendel bag, Bandas Soleil sun screen, a turquoise round brush and a Burberry bikini. She saved everything; ‘do not disturb’ door-hangs from all the vacations she took with my dad, little souvenirs from all the places she’s traveled, magnets, anklets, ugh. 

She always had everything. So prepared. She wanted for nothing. She was spoiled and pampered by my dad daily. This is what gives me some peace inside my heart. She lived the greatest love story ever told for nearly 40 years. My dad treated her like his queen. 

I miss her. I say goodnight to a picture frame and keep a pink sea salt light on in front of it every night. I light a candle in front of the most beautiful face every morning. I talk to her every chance I can. 

The waves are tall today, and it seems to get harder as I move through life now. Days are difficult but night time grabs me by the heart and smacks me in the face with my loss. With her absence. 

Today I return to my new normal. My painful and heart wrenching truth that I will never be able to call my mom on my way home from work ever. Again. I’ll never see her name in my book again. I’ll never be able to look forward to a homemade lunch hand delivered to me at work. I’ll never be able to touch her or feel her touch me. No hugs, no kisses, and I’ll never hear her laugh at my stories ever again. 

I’m thankful for everyone reaching out to me and for loving me through this. Though somehow the world is still spinning, mine has been turned on its axis. The sunshine hurts but is somehow more beautiful at the same time. The rain is welcomed because it matches my mood. I know one day I will be ok and that I will make it through this very devastating and horrific experience but today is not that day. And I’m ok with that. 

Feeling the pain in all its worth makes me  understand that with all that pain once lived a lot of love. Love that was alive and happy, a love that was returned by my angel mother. My love for her is still very much alive and I’m so acutely aware of how alive it is by how much I hurt. 

Mama, I only miss you in between every second. I love you more than I even understand. I can’t wait to feel your presence surround me. Please come soon. 

My mom was a force. She was a light. She was home to me, a haven of love and reliability. She gave me life. The heart that beats in my chest sprang to life inside her body.  
My mother was and will continue to be the greatest teacher of love, of happiness, and of fierce loyalty. She loved me when I didn’t deserve it. She celebrated everything with me. She stuck up for me even when I didn’t ask her to. She taught me more in her passing than she did in my entire 32 years. She taught me how to be brave. How to keep promises, and she taught me what undying love is. 
She taught me that sometimes letting go is ok, even when you’re dying to hold on. That’s how strong she was. So for now, I’ll hold onto the memories I have with her. Like when we used to take bubble baths together, and she would sing me her favorite songs. Or when we used to buy the newest Garth Brooks cd and lay on the floor reading the lyrics until we made it through the last song. Then came my 20’s, and even though I was excited to be getting older, she never seemed to age. We would shop, get our toes done and then hit our favorite bar with all our girlfriends to hold court and sing our hearts out at the nail. 
Wednesday night’s will never be the same. 
Life will never be the same. The road we walk on now will not be paved in gold. The road will be confusing and scary at times and I won’t be able to call you for a little nudge in the right direction. But because you loved me, I’ll keep walking. We all will.
I know you would want us to cry, and to feel every ounce of this immense loss. The gaping hole in our hearts feels like it will never heal. I know that you would want us to go on. To spread our wings and remember our roots are forever entangled in yours. That even when the stars are stacked against us, we need to keep moving.
Your strength, your beauty, your loyalty, your bravery, the fight inside you, the attitude you possess, your laughter, your love, will forever be the greatest things I’ll ever know.
I tried to explain to Mav what happened. And after I mentioned the sky and heaven, and after he’d been wearing rosary beads around the hospital the last two weeks, I taught him about Jesus. I know he was the purest joy and greatest treasure in your life and I will always have the reminder of who you are to me, every single time he calls me mommy. As for now, to Mav’s understanding he thinks you’re flying in the clouds on an airplane with Jesus. 
Not only did we share the special bond of mother and daughter, but we were best friends. I’ll thank God every. day. that he chose me to be your daughter. And I want to thank you for giving me the best days of my life.
To know her, truly is to love her. So please help me keep her memory alive. Remember to celebrate her birthday month. Buy a pocketbook in her honor. Light a candle, drink a captain, and rock the boat.

I will see you again ✨ 

Your circle gets smaller. Your expectations get lower from the general population and you hold higher expectations to the people who’ve proven true, all in the same breath. your heart is easily filled up by a little special group of people. You talk to more souls in heaven than you care to count. You fight to remember the memories you’ve had to clear out, to hold onto new ones. You ask lots more questions and learn to keep your mouth shut. You can find more peace in a single silent thought than you ever thought possible. You care less about the appearance someone shows and more about the quality of conversation they can hold. You learn how to manifest hurt. You can always find the silver lining now. You make eye contact with people. You send packages and letters to your dear friends. You keep more to yourself. You love like it’s the last thing you can do on this earth. You learn that silence is deafening. You know when to pray for others. You learn that when people push you away, they’re the ones who end up lonely. You hope for them. This is growing up. This is where you plant your seed, sow it, and watch it bloom.

Idk about anyone else but I am FRESH out of fucks to give. Everyone’s opinions slathered all over my brain and stuffed into my ear holes is starting to really fucking get to me. Like I feel like I’m up to my eyeballs ready to blow my lid with the amount of unsolicited advice/comments/intrusive banter I hear in a day. 

Thankfully, that is not what this post is about and that’s why you love meh. 

Ok, so I had the pleasure of working a wedding this past weekend. Call me crazy (read old) but I sincerely feel like I’m reaching a point of mental nirvana in that for the first time in my life, I actually feel like the things that don’t directly involve me, absolutely do not affect me. Family drama, politics, stories of money gone wrong, relationships, blah blah blah. It really doesn’t bother me. Where I once felt SO INCLINED to share my piece of mind and let everyone know how sunshiney life can be; or commiserated with the person complaining, I now, instead, just keep my damn mouth shut.

What. A concept. 

Ok so I wake up at 7 am on the Saturday of MDW, and I enjoy an alone cuppa joe on my deck that sits in front of my forever wild woods and enjoyed the humid and peaceful moments by myself. I’ve been practicing the power of positive thinking and the law of attraction lately so I took this time to put good energy and positive vibes out into what could have been a stressful start to my holiday weekend. 

My homegirl and I banged out some beautiful upstyles while blowing through boxes of bobby pins and three cans of hairspray. The girls looked topnotch-beautiful and it went off without a hitch.

Here’s what I’m gathering now that I’m learning to keep my mouth closed and my ears open, and not adding my two cents and certainly not agreeing by comparison. 

We women are extremely hard on ourselves. Grown woman after grown woman sat in my chair listing their flaws in how their head is too round, their hair is too fine, their hair is too short, their dress is the biggest size, they are the shortest, their zit is ruining their life.  OMG. Maybe I’m lucky that I don’t have a huge selection of people in my life that are so self deprecating but I was drained! Just listening was honestly making me tired. 

And then, the flower girl. Sweet, zesty little flower girl. Her confidence was thick like the air. She danced into my chair and wanted to stand in the mirror and watch my every move. I sat on the chair behind her and began. Her little smile, with every strand I pinned into place, grew brighter. Her verbiage was my favorite: “mommy LOOK how pretty I am! Oh my Goodness! Look at me!” 

Her mother watched with sheer joy. As she should have. That mother should be so proud of her little beam of sunshine. I couldn’t have been happier to witness the mother daughter bond and all the positivity these two girls exuded through a simple exchange. It was cause for a celebration, and I was proud to be part of it. 

Be confident. Be happy. Dance rather than walk if the occasion allows. Talk nicely to yourself. Speak nicely to others. Love yourself. Stop placing blame and placing hate and using words to destroy some of the only good stuff left. Innocence is only around in so many forms and we as adults need to water it, protect it, and hold onto it as tight as we can.  I want to give a shoutout to this particular momma, and all the mommas that are out there raising their children with love and positivity, peace and light ✨ 

Let the sunshine in. Keep the hate out. Include positivity in your every day. If you find yourself down a wonky path, look up and then look within. Celebrate little things. Let go of a grudge. Feel the lightness of not bearing any more crosses. Say one nice thing to yourself every morning and every night. Bonus points if you can dish out two compliments today ☀️ 

HAPPY HUMP DAY FRIENDS! 

It’s kind of like, when you wake up in the middle of the night; and your legs are unfamiliar underneath you, and your eyes are blurry and your brain is a bit foggy. Everything seems mysterious and unknown and even at times scary. You’re trying to gain your footing and feel your way around the night’s nooks, but it takes some time in the deep dark night to find your way. To see. To feel.

But then your eyes adjust to the darkness that surrounded you, and you can make out every single shape with razor focus. And your legs are carrying you without you even knowing now, and your brain seems like it will never shut off. There’s still a little mystery, and a touch of uncertainty lurking in unsuspected corners, but now you feel confident and absolute in your navigation. 

This is growing up. You wish your young and innocent, formative years by and one day POOF! you’re a full blown adult, with a precious baby boy that calls you mommy; and a new house that you find yourself appreciating how it sits on the land and how it looks over a long quiet street. You google-earth the forever wild woods behind your house to check out just how ‘forever’ they are. You care less about the things that really don’t matter anymore: unnecessary remarks, shoddy advice and unwelcomed opinions. And that plan you thought you would stick to is so far gone now, because new adventures found you, and new people breathed life into your soul, and forever friends became for. ever. friends. Your needs are simpler now. Your stress level fluctuates up and down. Your wants are less about things you can buy in a store and more about health and happiness. Your worries are important, but you pray on them and leave it to God and the powers that be to lead you on your course. Your feelings, and the way your heart responds has never been more palpable. (Especially when you’re a mother.) 

It’s in the dark times that we learn the very most. When we have to rely on our other senses to help us through the night. But because of those times and the adjustments we learn to make along the way, we somehow become exactly who we are supposed to be. Some people may not ever like who you are, and that’s ok because this isn’t about them. What someone else thinks of you is a mere glimpse from the outside of who you really are.

So. From me to you, if you’re going through a dark night, I promise there is another side to it, and the other side is beautiful. Even if it’s 4am and you wake up to a puddle of pee and two miniature poops from your beloved dog on your newly washed floors and you need to blog about something to come down from the frustration. My God, is it beautiful.

Dear Mom, my beautiful, loving, warrior mom. You’ve been through so much in the last 5 years and it made me really understand how special our bond is. You’re the most important woman in my life and no one could ever replace you. You’re strong, brave, loyal and love with no boundaries. I’m thankful every day to be your daughter, but this year a day to celebrate you makes me realize how blessed I am to still have you in my life; to call every day, see whenever I want, and come smooch you when you need it the most. There’s no doubt in my mind that I am your daughter because now when I open my mouth, you fall right off my tongue 😂 thanks for teaching me how to love, how to take no shit, and always speak my mind. Getting older means understanding important things a little better, and I can fully appreciate you being my mother, truly the job that never ends. You’re prettier than Cindy Crawford and I’ve never loved you more 👑 HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY TO THE QUEEN ⭐️

  My first official post from My backyard!!! All the heart eyes! All the party/confetti emojis!!! All the feels!!!!

As you know, my life has been crazy insane or insane crazy, when I say Hussein you say shady!! (Sorry but today I’m a perfect  rap and country blend) So. Today’s post is brought to you by warm Sunday sunshine, two non barking dogs, a napping baby, and Noah from the notebook. 

The beginnings of a suntan burn my winter skin and my perfectly concocted iced coffee is close to sex right now. I’m sitting in an old familiar lawn chair as the aroma of technology class flows out through my new back door (thank you for my farmhouse trim, my gorgeous husband!). I spent the morning with my cousins, and Mav then spent the afternoon with his. As much as a nomad I’ve become, a traveling gypsy if you will, I can taste my future in the air today. 

My babe is working like a dog, moreso an Ox in Oregon Trail, on this new home of ours and I couldn’t be more thrilled with this man whose mine, who uses his God given talent, vision and full blown dedication to make our dreams come true. To make myyy dreams come true. To set a life up for our son that was even better than our own two childhoods combined. 

The stillness in this neighborhood has all my cells standing alert and alive. The birds singing in the trees sounds like the song in my heart. The animals rustling in the forever wild woods behind me is more than my soul can take today. 

Thanks God. For answering my prayers. And disguising tough times as a wild waiting room for something even better to come in your time . As I sit on the shore of my happiness today, the waves come crashing in nice and slow. I couldn’t be more thankful for the way the universe presents things exactly as we never knew we needed them. 

To my husband: I’m thankful our dreams line up like the stars up above. I’m happy we know how to carry eachother through the tough times. I’m in love with the way we walk in the sunshine together with our heads tilted back laughing at all the chaos. You get me like nobody else. I wouldn’t want anyone else on their best day when I can have someone like you to always count on, even at our worst. You save me every day. 

Hi guys!!!!!!!!!! I miss this. It’s been too long. But life is fucking CRAZY. So let me be scattered and collect myself real quick. 
First wedding of the season this morning with 16 girls: two gorgeous brides equaled the most hair I have ever seen on a Saturday morning.  Ok, drove down Glen Ave, past my old house that doesn’t even feel like my old house yet, then a quick jaunt through the glenville Panera drive thru, and back to the salon for some more sick hair to be did. Then hung out with the fam (woooo chris and whit were in town!) brought them to see our new gloriously messy-from-renovations house, out to Hattie’s for dinner and ice cream at Ben and Jerry’s. Back to the house to put a load of laundry in and find some jewelry, perfume and hairspray, and SLIPPERS because it’s still fuckingggg winter. Wait, can I just say I am a laundry nomad? Like if you invite me anywhere I’m bringing a basket of laundry with me. It’s so disturbing but I’m trying to move on from it, so far I’m still damaged. Finally back to the apartment, (oh yes, we failed at living with our parents and moved into a lovely little abode in ballston spa thanks to our generous and oh so kind bil&sil!) to shower and unload my carhouse. Don’t know what a carhouse is? It’s when you have more shit in your car than you do in any one other local. So the boys and dogs are passed the F out and I’m up polishing my nails for JGPROM tomorrow. JGPROM is actually photos being taken for our newnew website that’s gonna be like so crazy beautiful. But of course we’ve been prepping for weeks and getting our weaves just right, and since 95% of my life is packed in a pod, a storage unit, and in miscellaneous boxes strewn between here and timbuckfuckintu, (SINCE JANUARY) girlfriends got a little anxiety about looking super dope tomorrow.  Life has been an insane crazy ride, worse than any roller coaster, but more just like the roter. The fuckin rotor!!!!! Do you remember that? 

I give you, my life:  

An anxious and nervous walk into an unknown room with strangers. Then the floor drops out from underneath you while spinning at top speed and you are stuck to the wall like a cheap tennis ball to a strip of velcro. It lasts for a few minutes and then finally the ride stops. And you’re staying for an extra moment to gather yourself and try to realize what just happened. Except, I’m not voluntarily going on this ride. And this ride is like groundhogs day. It keeps repeating and replaying day after day. Hoping the ride breaks soon. And that I can unpack my car.

As for now, couple things.

Thank you to everyone for praying for my mom. For loving her, sending her love, food and flowers; for texting me, calling me, and offering me love, too. It means so much more than I could ever explain in words. Please continue to keep her in your prayers, as we are not out of the woods yet.

My clients – if you’re reading this, thank you. For being so understanding always. Thank you for loving me through the good times and being patient through the bad times. And if you don’t have an appointment for April, call like right now, because my book is insane. 

My work family, especially Rachel. To have my work place be one of the only places I can leave my problems at the door is a rare and special gift. I sincerely love what I do, and where I do it, and who I get to do it with. The fact that it’s a gorgeous and super dope salon that makes me instantly happy when I walk in is more than I ever wanted for myself in a career. So thank you for providing me a happy place 💖 

And to end it on a light note, here’s some random thoughts since I’ve last wrote.

My son turned 2 and he’s the smartest funniest most adorable little boy I’ve ever ever known. I thank God every minute for making me his mom. Even the bad minutes where he’s covered in dog shit and got it on my one and only clean pair of jeans and then I have to repeat the same outfit I wore to work two days before and pray nobody remembers or is evil enough to comment on said recurring outfit. Children’s birthday parties are absolutely insane and I’m all set with attending kiddy parties for as long as I live. Year three will be a night in the backyard with the dogs. Foreal. Overwhelming is an understatement. #notmomoftheyear #betterlucknexttime 

Current obsessions: cashew milk, melted lipgloss by two faced, lorac bronzer, and pink toenails. My coffee selection has been from Dunkin Donuts and I get a medium iced dark roast with 1 pump of butter pecan, a turbo shot and almond milk. It’s like mom crack. Headbands, always. And making Mav count to 10. Cutest ever.

Goose and Stella are very much in love.

My sister Allie is my savior.

I’m so excited for our photoshoot tomorrow, so I have to go topcoat my nails and pray the Botox fairy comes and injects me in my sleep 👑💉☺️ And the under eye brightening fairy. K, bye!

 

As I reflect on yet another roller coaster of a day, I have to say I miss when times were simpler. When I was 22 and my sister was 10 years my junior, yet I wanted her on my team whenever we played a board game with pop culture trivia. Can’t quite even remember now without the help of google what the games were even called, but they had a DVD that went along with them, there were pizza rolls in the oven and I was drinking with my family on a Friday night. At one point I had Saturday’s off and if any of my friends called on a weekend morning, my dad would tell them “breezy’s still snoozin” and somehow mix up one of my friends names with a child from his own past. My mom would be the life of the party, and my brother would be coming home well after the games were put away and I would listen to him tell his tales of the night to my mom, his fellow night owl and partner in story-time crime. Times like these were the cornerstone of my growing up, and my favorite memories to look back on. They sneak up welcomed and unexpectedly on nights like tonight. My family truly is the makeup of who I am. In hard times and when it’s easy, they’re always there somehow. 
Please say a prayer for the most important woman I know. She needs some extra love and strength and some really good vibes 🙏🏼