Happy December eve! My health insurance is due today and I’ve been putting it off and off and off most likely until I’m in bed eating triscuits and grapes tonight is when I’ll remember for the 32nd time this month and then be stressed out that I waited til the last minute. But it’s November 30th! And tomorrow is December! And despite this being the most brutal year of my entire life, my holiday cheer has arrived fully alive and in tact! I’m ready to work my tail off this month while still being able to fit into sequined numbers throughout the holidays! My tree smells DIVINE, and is setting my mood with its low twinkly lights. I’m sipping on a hot coffee, while my son builds with giant blocks that daddy decided to bring home on blackfridaygiving, I mean thanksgiving. I just fully immersed myself into the essential oil craze and ordered my first starter kit! I’ve dabbled in oils since I was pregnant wth Mav, but this is the first time I’m completely ready to commit. I’m talking with a homeopathic therapist to work through living a life with grief and she too, has recommended some essential oil remedies for me with my stagnant sadness and some morning sickness aid. I’m a believer now. Full fledged.
Let’s see what else. Oh! I’m pregnant. 12 weeks 5 days, I’ll be 13 weeks on Friday (whose counting?) and I’m anxiously looking forward to feeling 90%. Cause let’s be honest being pregnant is SUCH a gift and so beautiful and miraculous, but it ain’t always glorious, and that’s just where I’m at right now. sad fact: I had a miscarriage in February this year, and it was brutal and terrifying, but guess what, I survived that too. Like a warrior. (And about miscarriages – why is it such a secret?? Lots of people go through it – and lots of people knew about mine, and it helped me through being able to talk to people to work my way out of a really fucked up time in my life) And so this time, I’m not taking any days for granted. I’m eating the best I can, I’m trying to make attempts at getting out for a walk every day that it’s not raining, and joined the YMCA so as soon as I’m over this nausea hump, my ass is there!! I’ve even started factoring in a couple extra dollars to buy organic because it’s SO VERY IMPORTANT. I had such an easy and great pregnancy with Mav. I worked up until 5 days before I had him, felt my best while I was at work, gained only 30lbs and it all came very naturally for me. This time I’m scared of every appointment and every thought that enters my head is not always a positive one but I’m trying my very best to stay in the good vibes only zone. I thank God and every single angel I know in heaven every time it crosses my mind that I am in fact with child. Being pregnant is truly one of God’s greatest gifts. To know that I am holding a life inside my body. To have peace that I too once was inside my mother hearing her voice and knowing I was safe, growing all my fingers toes and tastebuds inside her womb. It is NUTS. Absolute insanity and I can never wrap my brain around the beauty that is a woman.
Let’s talk about women. We are fucking fierce are we not? #girlpower #whoruntheworld #spiceupyourlife #kimdone
People, over the last 6 months have told me how strong I am, and how others look to me for inspiration. That I’m so much like my mother. And it makes me happy to write that down. It gives me heat inside my heart and gets me almost giddy. The fact that my sadness and the way I’m working through this new life I’ve been given has somehow turned into an inspiration, even to one person, and that makes me feel like I’m doing it right. The fact that I’m even compared to my queen of a mama is so outrageously awesome to me. I really can’t find words to tell you how it makes me feel. But the very bottom of the matter is this, I’m a broken person now. With every good thing that happens to me, there’s a gigantic ache inside my little heart. I talk out loud to my mom because I know she’s all around me. I feel her best when I’m in the shower. And I say things to her and I laugh because I know she already knows. A few times a week, I break right down and cry. And my beautiful and wonderful husband holds me. And sometimes he cries with me. He hears sounds that come out of my mouth that are probably terrifying for him to hear, but he lets it happen and it feels so good to cry, mostly because he’s so good at just being still and silently understanding what I’m doing. I’m trying to find the words every day to tell him he’s an angel to me. That he breathes life into me to keep on going. He’s a miracle too. He’s also had to hear some pretty terrible things while I’m working through this ugly beast of emotions, and he’s still here, asking me what I want for dinner, running out to buy me peppermints and even does the foodshopping because I cannot bear the smell of any supermarket. 
I feel like I haven’t written in a while so this seems all over the place to me. I share some of my secrets here when I feel like the time is right. I want to get all the bad out before the new year. Even though I know I have zero control over absolutely everything and anything that could happen, I have hope for what a new year can bring. Though it will bring my mother’s first birthday without her here earthside, among many other firsts without her, I’m doing my best to focus on all the good that is coming. The sooner you realize there is something greater than us that has the innate and divine control, the better off you will be. I know this all too well and am still a control/germ/neat/clean freak and love law and order in anything I do, but I’m embracing the no-plan-plan more and more every day.
So my message is simple, and my message is this. Be kind. Be so kind. Don’t start any sort of unnecessary drama. Be the bigger person. Take the high road. Curse if you want to. Be the one to hug longer when you’re in an embrace, you won’t feel weird. (And you can probably name a couple people you know that are the longer-hugger just upon reading that) Call your fucking mom. Call your grammie. Hug your dad as hard as you can. Pick up the phone and call someone you miss. Smile at a stranger. Let someone with children in front of you in line. Make dinner for a friend with a new baby. Make a dinner for a friend and drop it off on a snowy night. Light a candle for a lost loved one. Donate a jacket, a present, a roll of toilet paper. We all have those means to be kind and gentle and nice. And this is the time so many people feel low and it’s up to us to shine our lights.
So, I’m off to Cracker Barrel and the post office today, but iiiiii am wishing you so much love, warmth, joy, and peace going into this December season of so many emotions. May God bless you, and bring you a smile today 🙂