#nyblogger

Strawberry Shortcake

| retiredsequins

Calendar is creeping up on me and that feeling annoys me. It’s March 9th, which would have been my great aunt’s 100th birthday. Which means Tuesday will be my mom’s 9th birthday she’s spent with wings. The fact I have to double check now irks me in a way I can’t explain and makes me sad that it’s almost been 10 years. I didn’t really expect much but once I felt the overwhelming feeling of dread last Friday at my abdominal ultrasound appointment, it made sense. The overall fact that I’m aging, inching closer to the age where my mom left forever, is starting to set in. While it’s giving me a perspective I feel lucky to have, it comes with a very heavy cross I forget I still bear.

She would have turned 66 on Tuesday. It’s so wild to say that because honestly I  always told my mom she was prettier than Cindy Crawford because I genuinely thought so. I told her every night: “Goodnight God bless you, I love you, sweet dreams – you’re prettier than Cindy Crawford ma” She never seemed to age. Her chocolate brown hair, her beautiful olive skin, her squinty brown eyes, her long fingers with silver spoon rings and gold and diamonds on every finger. Her nails and toes always done. I don’t think she would have aged even if she was still here. She’d still be shopping like a maniac, making nail appointments for Veni and her, and dropping hints for what she was wanting for her birthday this year. I’d do anything to hit wits end, homegoods, persnickety’s, and the beauty supply store to get her the perfectly rounded and well thought out birthday spread. Trying to find something she didn’t already own or order. Allie reminded me last night of Persnickety’s and it was like another secret kept, only we know and only we remember. And it’s not the first time I’ve realized these little secrets have turned to treasures we get carry around and honor her with when we do in fact remember. And conversations turn to late night thoughts which turn to tears and then usually a blog for me to sort all these feelings out.

I don’t know if I’ll ever sort them out.

She’ll still turn 66 on Tuesday, March 11th – and I’ll still celebrate by having her favorite dessert. We’ll sing to her, and her grandbabies will blow out her candles and laugh and then look at me to see if I’m crying or not. Their precious little souls have grown up witnessing all the emotions of a mom without a mother. Some I wish I could have saved them from, but also understanding they were built to be the little precious treasures they are, made for a mama without her own. That realization still hurts my daughter heart.  

I’d do, almost anything. To see her. To be able to hug her. To call her for a very long overdue, full conversation. I’d cry and complain and we’d definitely laugh. We’d make a plan to hang out and for dinner or coffee or all the above. I’d do anything to have her nuzzle her face in my ear when she kissed me hello or goodbye. To yell at her for smoking a cig. I’d do anything to lay in bed next to her and watch Dr. Baden Medical examiner and tell her this is why she can’t sleep at night, while she lotioned her tan legs and perfect mom feet. I’d do anything to stop and get her a tea, and bring it to her kitchen table for a proper coffee talk. I’d do anything to be able to have her name show up in my schedule at work, and then yell at her when she was 20 minutes late. I’d do anything to pull up into her driveway and see her standing at the door. I’d do anything to watch Veni hold her face in her hands and kiss her the way Mav once did. I’d love to hear her commentary on how beautiful Ace is because he looks just like me, and how she has everything to do with that. I’d love for her to tell Mav how big and grown he’s getting and embarrass him with stories of their short but sweet memories only she holds the keys to. I’d do anything to ask her for advice. To tell her I just need her to listen and not fix. To ask her questions about her health history. To ask her the names of her friends whose kids we backed a car into the rock wall across the street from our house in Saugerties. To list her as an emergency contact, a safe person to pick up or chaperone my kids. To have her sit on the sidelines at all the kids sports and activities. To see her dance with Veni. To see her at Ace’s baseball games, to see her cry at Maverick’s first dance this spring. 

I could go on. And I probably will. March was known as Rita’s birthday month. It’ll always be known as that to me. March can feel so much like spring and so much like sorrow for me. All because I got to love her, and I get to love her still. I know she’s here in the way she can be, because I’ve seen 3:11, 1:43, and RC for the past week. I’ve heard her songs, and I’ve found and felt little things that only make sense because of her. A mother’s love.

So powerful it can transcend time, and all of heaven and earth. I hope that wherever she is, reading this, she knows that my babies know her and miss her. That she is loved and missed in every moment. That she’s the sole reason I can go on with an empty cup. That I can mother, wife, and wear all that hats I do. Because her love was so big, and she rooted for me so loud. She taught me what inner beauty is, and she knew when my sparkle was dull. She showed me what a strong woman was, and when to be soft.  When to lead and when to follow. How to speak my mind and how to live out loud. She taught me most of this when she was here; and in her wake I’m learning still.  Mama, I really would do almost anything to have the roads that lead to your house somehow transport me to another realm where I could sit with you, just for 10 minutes, I’d tell you how thankful I am for everything you did. All the magic you made. The photo albums, memories, birthday parties, sleepovers, vacations, presents, advice, tough love, karaoke Wednesdays, jersey shore trips, shopping sprees, Christmas and every holiday actually, and a thousand other things you created for me. But all I can say, is ~ happy birthday month mamacita. I still needed you 👑🤍✨

I won’t preach on how lucky you are if you can go and do all these things with your mom today, I hope you already know and do 🤍

Thank you 2024 ⭐️

| retiredsequins

Here we are. At the very end of 2024. Everyone is posting and planning and plotting for the next thing. Yet I find myself feeling a little sad about it. For the first time maybe ever, instead of nostalgic and excited, I’m feeling like time is really starting to fly. To think an entire year has passed. My first born turned 10. I turned 40, we celebrated every single birthday away from home; for the sake of experiences, and presence over presents. We renovated a camper and took it out on the open road more times than I can remember. What a blessing. I saw my best friend from college. It was amazing in every way, and I’m tearing up thinking about her, and her family and the laughs and tears we shared ♥️

We made memories in good weather and bad. We bonded as a family of 5. The kids grew taller, and funnier, smarter, cooler, stronger and somehow, more lovely. While sitting, and soaking up the moments together, I realized that wasn’t enough. I wanted to quite literally marinate in them by adding a song to a playlist, taking videos and pictures, holding their faces in my hands, and telling them I love them in an otherwise simple moment. I was missing the moment while I was still living in it. 

Summer was so beautiful, and the weather matched. We were gone almost every weekend on an adventure, or celebrating someone or something. It flew by and stood still. The greatest blend of excitement and monotony peppered itself into a life already brimming to the top with love. (Almost no simmering. IYKYK) 

Today, looking back on the year I truly can’t comprehend how a year ago I left my boys at the lake for a sleepover and drove a sleepy 4 year old home. Now she’s 5. How?! Dan and I shared deep conversations, hopes and fears, and Veni, oddly, woke up throughout the night. How was that a year ago? We discussed life and homeschool and moving and living and loving our way through. We made plans for the future, and talked about the past. We do a good job of finding our balance through bickering. Today, and probably then, too 🙂

Twenty twenty four. No lesson left unlearned. Yet I feel like I haven’t learned anything yet. Thank God. I’m not a crotchety old lady yet 😂 

This year I’ve protected myself, my family and my sacred space from people I once shared it with. I’ve stood up for my marriage to people who stood by my side on our wedding day. I’ve begged for forgiveness from people I vowed never to hurt. I’ve overshared. I’ve forgiven people who never apologized. I spoke up. I kept my mouth shut. I’ve spent too much money. I’ve wanted for things. I’ve ignored. I’ve tried one last time. I’ve matched energy, and that didn’t feel good, I’ve made amends. I’ve set boundaries. I’ve settled for peace inside, instead of creating the same old war. I’ve been told I don’t dress my age, act my age or look my age, and for all of those things – I’m thankful.

I’ve been told I’m strong and inspirational but out of 365 days, there were many where I woke up feeling like I’m not enough, like I could be doing more. Some days I prayed to be a better mom, wife, sister and person. Because of that, I say things I’m learning to believe, before my feet even hit the floor, every single morning. For that I’m thankful.

Because I still belly the fullness of grief, I practice gratitude on a regular basis. I can laugh in the morning, and sometimes cry by nightfall, and I’m so thankful for the duality and for the wisdom to know this is normal. 

I’ve learned to lean into old friends who have seen me long before I’ve ever recognized myself. They’re important. And special. And so sacred to me. I lean into new friends who link arms with me and walk together through the realness, happiness and heartaches of life.

I set goals and dreamed dreams for this last year, and I’ve truly achieved them all. That’s empowering and humbling all at once. That being said I have no idea what my goals are yet for 2025 except to go to church more. 

This year, I’ve happily danced with memories that once made me cry, and I have laughed in places that once broke my heart. I’ve learned how to better manage anxiety and stress, but also think it may be a continued work in progress. And that’s ok too. 

I’ve learned. I’ve tried really hard. I’ve endured. I’ve also been weak, and I’ve hated myself. With that, I’ve been working hard to become the change I wish to see in the world. I start every day within the walls of my home to be that light. Some days, I fall dark. (Also okay. We listen and don’t judge)

But every day this year, I have prayed. I have loved and felt love. I have been open to love. I have expressed thankfulness to God and the universe and to the people who love me for making me who I am. For giving me all I have. For knowing that I am abundant in the things money can’t buy. And that breaks my heart in a beautiful way some days. 

I’m grateful for all the pain, the beauty, and the kindness still existing in the world. Without all that, we’d feel nothing, and that’s not something I ever want to experience. I’m thankful for the health of my family and myself. I’m thankful for true friends. I’m thankful for old friendships and blossoming ones. I’m thankful for peace and the power of confidence and the vulnerability in love. 

May 2025 be the year you need. May it bring peace and many blessings. May it be surprising and steady. May it break your heart in beautiful ways, and balance you with peace. May you keep your eyes on Jesus. Remember to be slow to judge and quick to help. We can only meet someone as deeply as they’ve met themselves. We can only be our authentic and highest self and pray that the right experiences, people, and things find us in perfect timing.

Thank you 2024 for all of the memories. And 2025, thank you for being good to me and all the people I love 💗 I’ll be loving all my people without limits. Living life out loud to honor my mom. I’ll be kind, while taking no bullshit. And I’ll be manifesting more great things for myself and spending it with the people I adore so much ✨ To HEALTH, happy hearts, peace and LOVE. 2k25 🎊

December Eve!

| retiredsequins

Happy December eve! My health insurance is due today and I’ve been putting it off and off and off most likely until I’m in bed eating triscuits and grapes tonight is when I’ll remember for the 32nd time this month and then be stressed out that I waited til the last minute. But it’s November 30th! And tomorrow is December! And despite this being the most brutal year of my entire life, my holiday cheer has arrived fully alive and in tact! I’m ready to work my tail off this month while still being able to fit into sequined numbers throughout the holidays! My tree smells DIVINE, and is setting my mood with its low twinkly lights. I’m sipping on a hot coffee, while my son builds with giant blocks that daddy decided to bring home on blackfridaygiving, I mean thanksgiving. I just fully immersed myself into the essential oil craze and ordered my first starter kit! I’ve dabbled in oils since I was pregnant wth Mav, but this is the first time I’m completely ready to commit. I’m talking with a homeopathic therapist to work through living a life with grief and she too, has recommended some essential oil remedies for me with my stagnant sadness and some morning sickness aid. I’m a believer now. Full fledged.
Let’s see what else. Oh! I’m pregnant. 12 weeks 5 days, I’ll be 13 weeks on Friday (whose counting?) and I’m anxiously looking forward to feeling 90%. Cause let’s be honest being pregnant is SUCH a gift and so beautiful and miraculous, but it ain’t always glorious, and that’s just where I’m at right now. sad fact: I had a miscarriage in February this year, and it was brutal and terrifying, but guess what, I survived that too. Like a warrior. (And about miscarriages – why is it such a secret?? Lots of people go through it – and lots of people knew about mine, and it helped me through being able to talk to people to work my way out of a really fucked up time in my life) And so this time, I’m not taking any days for granted. I’m eating the best I can, I’m trying to make attempts at getting out for a walk every day that it’s not raining, and joined the YMCA so as soon as I’m over this nausea hump, my ass is there!! I’ve even started factoring in a couple extra dollars to buy organic because it’s SO VERY IMPORTANT. I had such an easy and great pregnancy with Mav. I worked up until 5 days before I had him, felt my best while I was at work, gained only 30lbs and it all came very naturally for me. This time I’m scared of every appointment and every thought that enters my head is not always a positive one but I’m trying my very best to stay in the good vibes only zone. I thank God and every single angel I know in heaven every time it crosses my mind that I am in fact with child. Being pregnant is truly one of God’s greatest gifts. To know that I am holding a life inside my body. To have peace that I too once was inside my mother hearing her voice and knowing I was safe, growing all my fingers toes and tastebuds inside her womb. It is NUTS. Absolute insanity and I can never wrap my brain around the beauty that is a woman.
Let’s talk about women. We are fucking fierce are we not? #girlpower #whoruntheworld #spiceupyourlife #kimdone
People, over the last 6 months have told me how strong I am, and how others look to me for inspiration. That I’m so much like my mother. And it makes me happy to write that down. It gives me heat inside my heart and gets me almost giddy. The fact that my sadness and the way I’m working through this new life I’ve been given has somehow turned into an inspiration, even to one person, and that makes me feel like I’m doing it right. The fact that I’m even compared to my queen of a mama is so outrageously awesome to me. I really can’t find words to tell you how it makes me feel. But the very bottom of the matter is this, I’m a broken person now. With every good thing that happens to me, there’s a gigantic ache inside my little heart. I talk out loud to my mom because I know she’s all around me. I feel her best when I’m in the shower. And I say things to her and I laugh because I know she already knows. A few times a week, I break right down and cry. And my beautiful and wonderful husband holds me. And sometimes he cries with me. He hears sounds that come out of my mouth that are probably terrifying for him to hear, but he lets it happen and it feels so good to cry, mostly because he’s so good at just being still and silently understanding what I’m doing. I’m trying to find the words every day to tell him he’s an angel to me. That he breathes life into me to keep on going. He’s a miracle too. He’s also had to hear some pretty terrible things while I’m working through this ugly beast of emotions, and he’s still here, asking me what I want for dinner, running out to buy me peppermints and even does the foodshopping because I cannot bear the smell of any supermarket. 
I feel like I haven’t written in a while so this seems all over the place to me. I share some of my secrets here when I feel like the time is right. I want to get all the bad out before the new year. Even though I know I have zero control over absolutely everything and anything that could happen, I have hope for what a new year can bring. Though it will bring my mother’s first birthday without her here earthside, among many other firsts without her, I’m doing my best to focus on all the good that is coming. The sooner you realize there is something greater than us that has the innate and divine control, the better off you will be. I know this all too well and am still a control/germ/neat/clean freak and love law and order in anything I do, but I’m embracing the no-plan-plan more and more every day.
So my message is simple, and my message is this. Be kind. Be so kind. Don’t start any sort of unnecessary drama. Be the bigger person. Take the high road. Curse if you want to. Be the one to hug longer when you’re in an embrace, you won’t feel weird. (And you can probably name a couple people you know that are the longer-hugger just upon reading that) Call your fucking mom. Call your grammie. Hug your dad as hard as you can. Pick up the phone and call someone you miss. Smile at a stranger. Let someone with children in front of you in line. Make dinner for a friend with a new baby. Make a dinner for a friend and drop it off on a snowy night. Light a candle for a lost loved one. Donate a jacket, a present, a roll of toilet paper. We all have those means to be kind and gentle and nice. And this is the time so many people feel low and it’s up to us to shine our lights.
So, I’m off to Cracker Barrel and the post office today, but iiiiii am wishing you so much love, warmth, joy, and peace going into this December season of so many emotions. May God bless you, and bring you a smile today 🙂