As I reflect on yet another roller coaster of a day, I have to say I miss when times were simpler. When I was 22 and my sister was 10 years my junior, yet I wanted her on my team whenever we played a board game with pop culture trivia. Can’t quite even remember now without the help of google what the games were even called, but they had a DVD that went along with them, there were pizza rolls in the oven and I was drinking with my family on a Friday night. At one point I had Saturday’s off and if any of my friends called on a weekend morning, my dad would tell them “breezy’s still snoozin” and somehow mix up one of my friends names with a child from his own past. My mom would be the life of the party, and my brother would be coming home well after the games were put away and I would listen to him tell his tales of the night to my mom, his fellow night owl and partner in story-time crime. Times like these were the cornerstone of my growing up, and my favorite memories to look back on. They sneak up welcomed and unexpectedly on nights like tonight. My family truly is the makeup of who I am. In hard times and when it’s easy, they’re always there somehow. 
Please say a prayer for the most important woman I know. She needs some extra love and strength and some really good vibes 🙏🏼

My drive home tonight was slow and foggy. The steam rising off the ground made it hard to see, and my glasses were waiting for me on top of the microwave at home. The rain was falling on a slant, and the feeling that a misty, early spring rain brings, engulfed my brain. Tonight it finally hit me. Though we have been living like gypsies (squatters/nomads) for three weeks, our first little starter home in Scotia is officially a closed chapter in our book of life. It’s in the rear view. And as happy as I am to finally and officially be out of Schenectady County, I couldn’t help tonight, but to feel the bitter inside the bittersweet. 

It was the first house I ever lived in with anyone but my parents. I remember the first few weeks feeling so lonely, no roommates, only one dog, and just the busy city streets that surrounded me. I wouldn’t go in the basement after dark, and there were nights I wouldn’t watch TV because I was home alone and commercials for horror movies would scare me half to death. I can count on one hand the amount of times I took a bath there because then tub freaked me out. I also can count the times the fire department came to put out a firepit s’more party (no openfire in scotia GTFO). I won’t miss our nosey neighbor Shirley, or the creepy house on the corner, or the city traffic. But somewhere along all these memories, that house became our home. 

I left there a single girl one January night, and came home engaged to be married. We had birthday parties and even threw one theme party in our new home. We redid the master bedroom… For three months. (Hello 95 year old insulation.) We planted flowers, and even the kind that grow back year after year (perennials?) I mowed a lawn for the first time in my life, and discovered I loved it. Watering my flowers and plants was sometimes more therapeutic than drinking wine. I picked up stoop sitting. Drinking coffee on a quiet front porch, wrapped in a blanket in an old rocking chair on fall mornings became a quick favorite hobby of mine. I had dreams crushed and dreams come true in that house. I left that house as a Costanza, and returned home a week later, bronzed, relaxed, and excited to be Mrs. Phillips. I found out I was pregnant there. I think I peed on 5 pregnancy tests. I had my first set of contractions in my first official bed-with-a-headboard in my newly redone master bedroom, next to my beautiful husband. I left my baby girl Stella for three nights, and brought my baby boy home ever so carefully one mild spring day. (The day Stella became a canine.) It is there I became a mother. I celebrated the last 2 years of my twenties in that house. I learned how to fight clean in that house; that running home to mom and dads was no longer acceptable to end an argument. I learned how to forgive, how to forget, and though Dan may disagree, I do believe I became less stubborn in my time on Glen Avenue. I would find any excuse for a trip to Jumping Jacks, and enjoyed the weekends I had a wedding party booked at Glen Sanders Mansion. I loved the sound of the church bells directly across the street, and the hum of Gabriel’s (and their chocolate muffins) became a comfort to me. 
Now I sit, in a temporary home, on a borrowed couch, holding my baby in my arms, as tears stream down my cheeks. As we wait for our dream home to be ready. As we wait for our new chapter to begin. As I realize that no matter what town we live in, or what color our house is, or how adorable our new wooden fence will be, or how big or small the back yard is, it’s ours. And as of 2:00, March 10th 2016, we are officially homeless, but I’ve never felt more sure of exactly who I belong to, and who belongs to me. Dan, Mav, Stella, Goose – you are my home. You are my open screen door on the first warm spring day, my favorite spot on the patio, a home-garden and hand picked tomato, my worn in cushion on the couch. You’re the familiar smell, the warmth of the windows in the summertime, and the safety of an ADT alarm system. 

It’s been a rough 10 days in my world. Since last Monday I have been tested, and challenged, and have felt at times like I was just suffering through life, to put it bluntly. But I’m here. And I survived it. And it sucks and it was brutal, but it happened and one day I’ll understand why. And you know what has pulled me through? My friends. And my family. And my work family. My husband. My son. The very beats of my strong yet temporarily shattered heart. I like to think I’m humble and that I live with my eyes open and fixed on what’s to come. I don’t dwell and I certainly don’t look behind me in order to live for what I want to manifest for myself and for my future. Just when you think you have life all figured out and planned, God and the universe and the powers that be have a way of letting you know you have absolutely zero access to the map that is your life.  When you are under the impression that specific people are supposed to be the ones who love and support you but then they fall short, it breaks you. It truly does. But it’s within those fault lines where the love shines through. And it’s then that the light at the end of the tunnel presents itself ever so gently to give you hope.

But back to my friends. And my family. And the friends that turned into my family. I wrote this years ago, and it always finds its way back to me just when I need it the most: 

have you ever sat with someone and noticed how beautiful they really are? and thought about the circumstances that have brought you to sit in front of their face? to be lucky enough to see their heart and soul come shining out? to be able to witness how much they’re really worth? there are no coincidences in this life. every avenue we travel down is for a purpose. every person we meet is a blessing, in one form or the next. savor these moments and hold onto these people. they are all a part of God’s great plan.

So I just want to say, thank you. To the people who get me. And love me. And make me exactly who I am. I am in awe that God has placed so many beautiful souls in my little world. With fresh eyes and new ideas, I’m on my way again. 

Well it’s been 33 days since my last blog post. But I gotta tell ya, I’ve been busy. Selling a house, buying a house, trying to pack everything you own yet leave out tweezers and some careful selections of outfits for three people, a few favorite toys for Mav and call it a day. I’ll finally admit through all of this, I’ve realized Dan is clearly not the high maintenance one. He’s been doing laundry, cooking dinner, working, and taking care of his family at the end of these long stressful days without even blinking. 

It’s been a rough month for little Mav too. He’s cutting his two year molars, which has turned into baby and mommy with matching fevers, daddy with a cold and four sleepless nights down here in Scotia.  Seriously, he has no clue what’s happened to his house, he walks around saying “where’d it go momma?” and picks the exact toy I just packed to beg for the very moment I sealed the box. When he throws a tantrum, I feel like laying on the floor next to him and crying and punching the floor too. As for my darling little four legged daughter, I’m ready to put her in diapers the way she’s been regressing. STELLA: YOU’RE PART OF THIS FAMILY. And you are moving with us so PLEASE STOP PEEING ON EVERYTHING.

Ya know it’s true what they say. (Who the hell is they anyway, all knowing mighty omniscientness that lives in the clouds?) You truly are capable of handling and fighting through whatever is thrown at you. Whatever comes your way is presented exactly at that moment in time for you. And. You. Only. If it were meant to be easy and beautiful and free flowing all the time how boring would that really start to be? I mean seriously somebody let me know because I think I’ve had to stroll down memory lane back to childhood to remember. I think the last time I was bored I was a junior in high school, day dreaming through math class and hoping life would be ‘much more than this’ one day. Ah, nostalgia. You truly are my favorite stop on dreamy lane. You fill me up and make me warm and full of inspiration. 

So can you believe today is Ash Wednesday? Like hello 2016 s l o o o w d o w n. It’s that time where we give something up for 40 days and reflect on our inner most self, and repent our deepest regrets and decisions and hope that we find a beautiful, truer, more pure self upon the awakening of the greatest season: Spring. Spring is the best time of year because everything has literally and figuratively risen from the heavy and cold, dead blanket of winter. 

So when you’re thinking of giving something up, go a little deeper than cheese, or Cadbury mini eggs (my personal go to) and just vow to be a better, more beautiful, refreshing, understanding, open minded and giving person. Be generous. Be thoughtful. Be more like Him, in the spirit of one of the most magical seasons we all go through here on earth. Go donate clothing. Donate your time. Send a letter to an old friend. Give yourself and I promise you’ll feel like a new person and learn how to enjoy the simple things. 

Happy love month friends, spread it like the flu ❤️😂😘

I gotta tell ya, I’m pretty happy the holidays are over. I mean I clearly love twinkly lights and anticipating snowy days that never come; and the faces my son made everytime he saw a minimum wage makin’ Santa were really something to be savored. But *breaths deeply in* there is nothing like a fresh breath of January sub degree temperature to really sting your lungs and choke you back into reality. 

Summer is nowhere in sight. Our spring is probably stuck inside that lost BabyGap box with Maverick’s Christmas sneakers. But hey, it could be worse. Something about January makes you want to be good and be better and make all these promises to yourself that you’re gonna lose umpteen pounds and not eat sugar anymore. Me? I opted to try out what being a vegan is like – and so far so good. Other than that I made zero changes, not one resolution, and made myself only one promise of TRYING to be more present. Aka: put the phone down, also so far so good.

Last night we celebrated my husband’s 33rd trip around the sun. We started out at the fancy Mazzone place in CPC where the soup and shrimp were bomb but I was less than impressed with their coconut pie that came highly recommended at $9. Next we ventured over to the good old Nail where we indulged in good food and drinks with two good friends❤️. Veered off my veganism for a hot minute, had a live stream of videos and pictures with a play by play of Maverick’s night out with Gaga, Poppops and Aunt Al. All in all it was a success.

My not so proud moments of 2016 so far are the ones I’ll also try to share more of: my non-highlight reel. 

I’m not sure if it was in 2016 yet or the tail end of ’15 , but my taking the Christmas tree out in hopes to impress Dan into thinking I’m….. Uh….. Capable of “manly” chores did not go over very well. It lead to me sitting on the carpet with the vacuum hose for two hours, and I felt like I was litruhleeeeee coloring the carpet. I hope you understand this visual, if not, I’m sorry, I’ll work on imagery this year. Anyway, to my surprise you can’t drag the tree out from the top! Which would be much more convenient because that’s how it fell 😂 But you actually just turn that little bastard around and drag his fat ass out first and the rest follows suit and makes the job “eeeeeasier” ….. Ok.👌🏽.  The entire time my poor little son watched the magic of Christmas struggle out the door wondering “where kees-miss goin?” I felt terrible, I really did. Until I didn’t. And realized he would quickly move on too because: kids are amazing little creatures who are easily distracted by minions fruit snacks and noisy trucks 🚚🍒🎉

Ok and here’s another for my lowlight reel (leave it to the hairdresser 😂👌🏽✨) let’s flash back to New Year’s Eve! I worked all day until, like, 7:30 and I was so hungry (and PMS-ing-omg) that I went into price chopper (for my beautiful husband who asked me to pick up a couple spices for a fancy new vegan dish he was preparing for us) and couldn’t help but buy a box of triscuits and a jar of artichokes (new obsession) and proceed to the check out. I got into my mom-mobile, and removed my fancy new cold-weather coat as to not spill any oil from the jar, and had myself a little hors d’oeuvre (just had to talk to text that baby) a la GMC. Had I hit a new low? Or a new high? I couldn’t quite tell.

Anywho – sticking with my goal for the new year, let me wrap this up. I haven’t started the Netflix phenomenon about the non-murderer from out West, but I plan on it. I am super into Ben the bachelor and I’m not apologizing for it. I’m pissed that Nashville doesn’t air again until March. And I don’t have Apple TV so I’m off to buy some doodad so I can watch Netflix on a bigger screen than my iPhone 6 since the iPad stopped belonging to me as soon as Mav discovered he knew how to swipe right and open up YouTube and even has a favorite toy review he loves to watch. 

Happy new year! Cheers to your lowlight reel, your weight gain, and your empty promises 🙂 seriously though, don’t be so hard on yourself! And enjoy a little more this year! XO

Sometimes I am so overwhelmed with the  intoxicating love in my lungs for my son. The overwhelming beats that my heart pumps out when I think of his muddy green eyes. My tears fill up in my soul’s windows and erupt down my cheeks. His love stains my face and sustains my purpose for living.
I made this little love with the man I chose. The man I love. I chose him. And he chose me back. All I ever want out of this life is a happy and safe space to feel love, and learn love, and teach love. After all is said and done, all I leave behind is my story and a memory for a precious few who really knew what my heart set out to do on this earth. I want to celebrate the different loves I know and experience. I want to teach people how to love me, and learn how to show what love is to me, always, and differntly as I grow. 

I hope you felt love this year. I hope you used every last drop of the love you have in your heart. I hope you loved yourself. I hope you learned a new way to love. I hope you filled your heart with meaning and laughter and l o v e.

Love is the almighty and supreme connector that keeps this world good. Love is an inspiration. Love is a promise. Love is a sacrifice. Love is a teacher and a student. Love is all we need.

The Christmas tree is lit with a low yellow glow. My Starbucks coffee is fully charged and ready to help me #werk. But all I want to do is s l o w down for a minute and drink. it all. in. The Voice and Adele are both on tv tonight. Hubby is home for the winter and my baby is asleep under a blankie soft and snug. The sky is begging to snow but the temperature just won’t let it happen. My heart feels so full lately, and at times I fill up with tears and I genuinely can’t tell if it’s because I feel so happy, or because I’m so overwhelmed with this time of year and all the emotions it awakens. (#notpregnant)

Happy December ❤️ isn’t this just the loveliest time of year? The energy in the crowds is palpable. Like you can honestly reach out, open a mason jar and capture the magical air that is Christmas. (Don’t be offended. I celebrate Christmas, so it’s what I say) We hunted for the perfect tree and brought it home to “fall”.  We concocted a playlist of Blake Shelton, Elvis and Justin Bieber holiday while cocktailing and trimming the tree. We introduced the elf into our home and into Maverick’s heart. Seriously, he loves him (no name yet except for “him” which is pronounced ‘heeem’) so much that he puts the little elf snugged into my neck, moving my hair out of the way, and onto my shoulder, a spot that was exclusively Mav’s until this little elf came to be. We’ve made gingerbread houses, saw a holiday train in Saratoga, read countless Christmas stories, and went to the display of lights at quick response last weekend. We’re so jolly it hurts.

But in all the stuff that we’ve done that is festive and fun, my eyes always wander to see the happiness across my husband’s face. Across my son’s little magical mouth. I want to capture every smile and every moment because these times are so special  to me. The only thing better than Christmas is Christmas through my son’s completely fulfilled and awesome sense of wonderment. It’s truly the best gift I have ever received; watching his joy and curiosity through all the seasons and everything that comes along with them. This weather sure does help me, personally, welcome winter with my arms a little wider open than usual! I don’t even think I’ve worn a coat yet? So anyway, as for me I’m trying to learn from my new self, myself as a mother, a little more these days. Last year Christmas was different because Mav was so little but this year I’ve really realized that it’s not so much the presents and the bells and the little laser lights reflecting on everyone’s houses, but it truly is who you have, the relationships you feed and water, and the non-tangible things that we are so blessed to hold. 

My point is this: celebrate the little things. The simple things! The glitz and glam of an Amazon package on your front porch….. If you don’t think packages on your porch are a form of magic I don’t know if we can drink wine together. You don’t think that’s a Christmas miracle? Online shopping? Have we met?! 

I digress. So I’ve had my fair share of the misery that accompanies this season and we have to remember that not everyone is going to have a ruby red and gold rosy attitude. Just don’t let a person who has Scrooge colored blood running through their veins get you down during a time that can be so enchanting. But let us all remember together that there are people walking this earth that are missing loved ones, and this is one of the hardest times to get through. If you miss someone, and you’re lucky enough to be able to, tell them. If you love someone, send them a card, if you want to bury the hatchet, do it now. There is no room in our short time on this earth together for grudges and all its trimmings.

Be free this holiday season, and let that freedom carry over into the new year. Can we all agree that everyone needs to come together rather than standing apart? Open up your heart to love and positivity and let it flood your soul this season. Believe in being good. Believe in love. Believe that little old you can be the change you wish to see on the world. Hop down a peg or two. Call your grammie. Believe in the magic of my favorite time of year 🎄✨ 

Blessings to you this holiday season. I wish you health, happiness and so much love ❤️

Do you ever hear a song and get transported into another realm? Do you ever see a signature in a card from a Christmas past and feel instantly connected to that person? What about when that person isn’t here? What if that person isn’t here and the tears start rolling down your face because you know you’ll never get to hear their voice again? 

What if you had known better? What if your 22 year old cousin was stronger than you ever really thought. What if she had battled for happiness her entire life? And just when she was coming into her own she was diagnosed with a super rare and super scary cancer? 

There isn’t an answer. There is just the truth. Amanda Tai Schwab was my first baby cousin. She had beautiful long blonde curly hair and milky blue eyes. She was tall and thin with a great set of boobs. Her personality was like an adventure book. She was always doing cool stuff. She was talented as she was kind and beautiful. Her style was eclectic and original and super badass.

I miss her everyday. I talk to her in my car and in my house. I make Maverick say hi to her so he remembers her in his life. I hold dear to the memories I made with her. I love taking photos of the sky when it’s extra gorgeous because I know Amanda has a hand in painting it now.

It’s sad to watch things on the internet where people are sick and getting their biggest wish granted to them. It’s sad to hear when someone famous is sick, or some poor little child is overcome with a sickness, especially cancer.

If I ever had an inkling that Amanda wasn’t going to win her uphill battle, I would have done more. I would have had everyone I know send her a birthday card, or make a fun YouTube video for her, or find the most amazing special effects makeup person from True Blood and had that person come and hang out with her. I would have called Sam and Dean myself and hoped they would have come and been super natural with her 🙂 

The last time I saw my cousin, I wanted to pick her up and rock her like a baby. I wanted her bones not to hurt, and her lungs to work. I wanted to reverse time and go back to all my favorite moments with her; Our phone conversations and one of the special weekends we shared down the shore. I wanted to talk to her about music, and her career, and her job at Applebee’s that she was so pumped about. 

But all I could do was hold her hand, and kiss her face. And run my hands through her short brown hair. We sang together, all of the girl cousins, and we took breaks with her to breathe in between the lyrics so she could get through one last song. We took pictures. And then I asked for a moment alone. I strung my white rosary beads from my wedding day through her long skinny fingers and I prayed with her. I told her to have sweet dreams and not to be afraid. I told her how much I loved her and how she inspires me. We even managed to smile together. 

A memory never replaces being in the moment. A song that comes on starts out making me smile and think of her, but by the end? I am in tears. I know that God and the universe has plans for all of us. This is one of the only times I don’t agree with the powers that be, but one day I know I’ll understand why her life was so short but so precious to me. 

I miss you Manda. Every second of every day. I wish you were coming this Christmas like you always did. But for now, I’ll sing like you’re singing with me, smile like you’re sitting here making me laugh, and hope to heaven that you are proud of who you were while you walked this earth, and who you will always be. I also hope you are proud of me. 

I will see you again ✨

Today is a day for slowing down. And cranberry sauce, loud Italians, flowing drinks, reminiscing, stuffing, turkey, children screaming in laughter, and new memories to be made. A day for fat pants, napping and traveling. 

Today is a day to be thankful.

Today I am thankful God finds me worthy enough to consider bestowing blessings upon me. I’m thankful to be a mother. I’m thankful that I am Dan’s wife. I’m grateful to belong to a great family. My sister is my best friend, and my brother and I, we love eachother so much it sometimes gets complicated, but that’s ok because we always find a way to make things right. Special shoutout to my brothers new wife: I love you. You’re gentle and wonderful and funny and you’ve made him so happy. Your beautiful spirit comes out everytime you speak. I’m happy you’re a Costanza, Whitney ❤️  I’m thankful that my parents met up almost 40 years ago and never looked back. The beautiful life they have built, and the legacy that they are still building, that I’m a part of, makes me proud. To witness a rare love, one where two parents stay together is truly inspiring and I’m thankful for their story. It’s taught me how to be a daughter, a sister, a wife and a mother. 

I’m thankful for my in laws. The loudest and biggest group of people I get to have so close to me is truly a gift I never thought about receiving. Hanging out with them is like being in a small gang, not to mention the number of cousins Mav has to love and laugh with and spend days like today running the floors of his aunt’s house we will gather at later. That makes me so happy and makes me miss my cousin so much. I’m thankful Mav has this great sense of family. It makes traditions so much more special. 

Im thankful for my forever friends. And new friends who I know will be around for the run of it all. To my friends who moved away, I wish I could hug you every day. You’re still such a special part of my life and I’m happy to have you. My friends near to me, thank you for being kind, generous, and loving me and my family. Friends like you are an extension of my blood, and for that I am forever happy. 

I’m thankful for my husband. He is strong and sweet, steady and loving. (That’s why he’s allowed out to hunt on this morning while Mav and I stay back and eat cookies for breakfast and watch the thanksgiving day parade.) He deserves my love. I’m thankful for our marriage and the commitment we made to make this relationship thrive.

I want my heart to always beat to the sound of lollipops and sunshine. I want to be a thankful person all the time. I want everyone to know that if you’re reading this, you’ve touched me. And I hope I’ve touched you back. The wonderful thing about this great big world is the good people in it. They are far and few, and it takes some time to find the ones you’ll call your family, your friends. I’m thankful to do what I do in this life. I’m thankful for all that I have.

From my family, to yours – happy, happy thanksgiving. Be the one to hug a little longer when you leave your loved ones today. And remember to light a candle for the ones who are visiting the table today from up above. Love and warm light to you all ✨

Thanksgiving is a lifestyle, not just a day 🤗