I remember being young. Living in a house with my mom and dad, my brother, and then my sister. I could walk down the hallway and find someone to hang out with, a phone conversation to eves drop in on, someone to make me a snack, or someone to come outside to rate my handstands in the pool.  

Childhood memories feel like a fever dream as an adult. It seems like a time capsule that’s buried deep in a 90’s backyard that no longer belongs to me. But I’m connected to it in every way. I can’t understand how that time frame was in the same lifetime I’m currently living out. I was little and the world was so big. My mom was here, my parents were together, and my siblings were annoying but I also loved them too.

Today will forever sit in the heart of my deepest sadness. June 24th, 2016. My mom was called home to heaven. And my life with her is beginning to feel like that same fever dream. I wasn’t super anxious during the day the last few days, but night time’s been hard. I’ve learned to stop looking at Facebook memories during the month of June if I want a fighting chance of enjoying my days. But night time when the darkness settles in, and the house is quiet, and I can think of any and all the things I want, she comes to the forefront of my brain. The edges of my heart tingle, and produce a sadness that inches its way up into my throat, and the tears come rolling down. Hot tears, heavy anxiety, and not wanting to accept hugs from anyone I love as to not transfer any of my inside feelings onto them. But they hug me anyway, like the people who love you do. And the hugs breathe strength back into my bones, and my tears were recognized, and the heaviness is lifted. 

I went to a funeral earlier in the year. A friend’s mom passed away and I feel a personal responsibility to attend. Because when my mom died, the people that showed up for me made me realize that’s just what you do. It was there in that church, I realized I could still sit and cry about my mom for hours. And I did. When someone talks about their struggles or greatest sadness, I always think of my mom and I can always relate to their pain. A superpower I wish I didn’t have.

This year truly didn’t feel as bad as it usually does – approaching this day. Many people only remember the first year. But when you’re the owner of the grief, there is no forgetting. June will always be such a bittersweet month for me for so many reasons. So much has changed in 9 years, and so much goodness has been present in my journey. I wasn’t even feeling the need to write anything but then I realized, this is what got me through for so long. I owed it to myself to keep this date alive for the sake of my healing.

Grief has given me so much. It has helped me realize what’s worth fighting for. It has helped me understand how people tick. It’s made me really steep inside a moment, knowing it’s the recipe for a memory. It’s the reason I take so many pictures. It’s the reason I stay up late and do the things I don’t want to do. It’s the reason I try to live a healthy lifestyle. It’s the reason I buy the shoes. It’s the reason I love a good theme. It’s why I’ve kept traditions alive; and made new ones too. It’s the reason I don’t save a good outfit. It’s the reason I kiss and hug everyone as much as I can. It’s the reason I’m kind to people. It’s the reason I give people the benefit of the doubt. It’s also the reason I’m protective of my peace, the people I love, and their peace. It’s the most powerful and simple perspective I have. And I have the greatest pain to thank for all of this good.

So to my mom, on her 9th year an angel: thank you. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for always believing in me. My heart is broken and so full of gratitude because you were mine. Thank you for working so hard, staying up late; and for doing it tired, pregnant, and sick. Thank you for always showing me how to live out loud. I miss you dancing in the kitchen while cooking, and singing together. Thank you for instilling such confidence and love inside me. I miss you every day, my kids talk about you on a regular basis, and we live to honor you. I love you, and mama, I still needed you 🩷👑✨