I still remember the time surrounding her death. So many people prayed with me, prayed over her, and ignited my soul in a way that has kept me warm this entire time. Something that steeps in the most fragile corners of my mind, was someone who told me “you’re just like her; but with softer edges” a beautifully haunting phrase that has wrapped around my bones throughout the years. 

As Christmas season covers the world in a soft spoken prayer, I find myself missing her more. There’s still so much love that lives, yet still without a home. When she left she brought a mansion of unmade memories with her. And sometimes, here, without her, feels so empty. 

When I get sad, I find the urge for a quiet spot, to pour my heart into a calming pile of words. It feels like a wild stream of consciousness for a little bit until I find my rhythm, but tonight I knew just what I needed to say. I couldn’t wait to write a letter I wish I could’ve written when she was here with me, along with the beautiful pain of knowing everything I know now.

Dear mom, thank you for all the magic. Thank you for curating the blueprint for all of my most perfect memories. Thank you for guarding our innocence and feeding our childhood.  Thank you for silencing fears and negative thoughts. Thank you for putting me before yourself. Thank you for staying up late, and sometimes spending the last dollars you had set aside for yourself, on us. Thank you for thinking ahead, planning in advance, and having to create Christmas magic, tired, sick and sometimes while maybe even PMSing. That shit is hard. Ugh. The most superficial, may be the one that thanks you for the living room that literally overflowed into the hallways with presents. Another thank you whispers every time I make meatballs, vodka sauce, or the occasional (perfect) crispy but fluffy pancake. It was always magic, it was always you, and the way you taught me so much simply by doing good things and being present in love and life is why it worked. But I know it was hard. I know it was hard because I’m living it now, and somehow, for almost 9 years, I’ve done it without you. 

Thank you.

For teaching me how to set a proper table, and also how to set boundaries. How to forgive with grace, and how to never forget. How to cook with love, and that saying no with love, is an art to master. How to break bread with all kinds of people and also how to break in a new pair of cowboy boots, heels, and a solid leather jacket. 

Thank you.

For all the ways you loved me, and made me feel so seen and special. For the ways you built me up, and even for the ways you knocked me down. Thank you for teaching me how to pray and for praying for me, I know those prayers protect me still. Thank you for showing me how to live out loud, to never let anyone dull my sparkle, and to know the difference of digging my heels in to grow roots, or using my wings to fly. I’ve used all you’ve taught me and more. I learned to speak my mind, and wear my heart on my sleeve. I’m still trying to learn how to stop wearing my heart on my face though (iykyk). I learned when to soften my heart to hard situations, and when to let my thick skin do its thing. I’ve forgiven people and let people see themselves out, I learned the sacred skill of teaching people how I want to be treated. I’ve learned the precious balance of power and peace within.  

All because of you. ♥️

There’s so many times I’ve thought of you this season. Like when my friend brought me roses that instantly reminded me of you, but even more when I knew to cut them on an angle, under running water, for freshness and longevity. I think of you every time I shop, because I long for a Christmas with you again that I know will never come. I think of you every time I drink tea, and would do quite possibly anything, to drink one with you. I think of you in every laugh, every tear, every ornament hung on the tree. I think of you when the sunlight dazzles through the bare winter trees. I think of you when the snow quiets the sounds of the busy world. I think of you when I wrap presents, curl ribbon, and think of the best presents for the people I love. I think of the way you’d guess your present before you opened it, and always being annoyingly right. I think of you when I’m dog tired after a long day at work, and still come home to be super mom. You were the OG of super moms.

I learned it all from you. And thank you doesn’t feel adequate, especially when it’s coming years after you’re gone. But it’s important for me to honor you, on your 9th year an angel, at Christmas. You’ve taught me how to be strong and that it’s ok to be weak. You’ve taught me how to appreciate the most delicate details, knowing that’s where the difference between mediocre and magnificent lies. You’ve taught me to cherish the nuances of simplicity. The impact of unique experiences and quality time. The lessons that are found in every day living. All of this and everything more. There is nothing that seems insignificant in your absence. Everything is important because the lessons and treasures you left behind. Somehow, I’m still learning every day. And I have you, in life and in death, to thank for all of this. 

I almost forgot 🥹🥹🥹 My kids; your grand babies, they know exactly who you are, and I hope it melts you when you hear the way they speak about you. They know your favorite song, and what you’d order at Cracker Barrel (meatloaf 😂😞). It kills me to hear Veni say she misses you. For Mav to recall the way your house smelled and how spoiled your dogs were. And for Ace to question his own reality of remembering you or not. But you and I know he knows you, and he just might have been your favorite. They ask you to send them butterflies, refer to lady bugs as Gaga, beg for you to send them bucks in the woods, and credit you and St. Anthony when they’ve found something lost. You’re woven into the stories I tell, the meals we make together, the features of their faces, their mannerisms, their humor. You’re in every corner of their little personalities, and your spirit lives on inside them. They love you so much ✨

So that’s it. My poured out on the floor, broken little Christmas heart. I feel sad that I still miss you this much. So. Merry Christmas to my mama. Heaven is so lucky to see this season through your soul. And I know you know, but – I love you forever 🤍 I still needed you 👑