Month: December 2024

Thank you 2024 ⭐️

| retiredsequins

Here we are. At the very end of 2024. Everyone is posting and planning and plotting for the next thing. Yet I find myself feeling a little sad about it. For the first time maybe ever, instead of nostalgic and excited, I’m feeling like time is really starting to fly. To think an entire year has passed. My first born turned 10. I turned 40, we celebrated every single birthday away from home; for the sake of experiences, and presence over presents. We renovated a camper and took it out on the open road more times than I can remember. What a blessing. I saw my best friend from college. It was amazing in every way, and I’m tearing up thinking about her, and her family and the laughs and tears we shared ♥️

We made memories in good weather and bad. We bonded as a family of 5. The kids grew taller, and funnier, smarter, cooler, stronger and somehow, more lovely. While sitting, and soaking up the moments together, I realized that wasn’t enough. I wanted to quite literally marinate in them by adding a song to a playlist, taking videos and pictures, holding their faces in my hands, and telling them I love them in an otherwise simple moment. I was missing the moment while I was still living in it. 

Summer was so beautiful, and the weather matched. We were gone almost every weekend on an adventure, or celebrating someone or something. It flew by and stood still. The greatest blend of excitement and monotony peppered itself into a life already brimming to the top with love. (Almost no simmering. IYKYK) 

Today, looking back on the year I truly can’t comprehend how a year ago I left my boys at the lake for a sleepover and drove a sleepy 4 year old home. Now she’s 5. How?! Dan and I shared deep conversations, hopes and fears, and Veni, oddly, woke up throughout the night. How was that a year ago? We discussed life and homeschool and moving and living and loving our way through. We made plans for the future, and talked about the past. We do a good job of finding our balance through bickering. Today, and probably then, too 🙂

Twenty twenty four. No lesson left unlearned. Yet I feel like I haven’t learned anything yet. Thank God. I’m not a crotchety old lady yet 😂 

This year I’ve protected myself, my family and my sacred space from people I once shared it with. I’ve stood up for my marriage to people who stood by my side on our wedding day. I’ve begged for forgiveness from people I vowed never to hurt. I’ve overshared. I’ve forgiven people who never apologized. I spoke up. I kept my mouth shut. I’ve spent too much money. I’ve wanted for things. I’ve ignored. I’ve tried one last time. I’ve matched energy, and that didn’t feel good, I’ve made amends. I’ve set boundaries. I’ve settled for peace inside, instead of creating the same old war. I’ve been told I don’t dress my age, act my age or look my age, and for all of those things – I’m thankful.

I’ve been told I’m strong and inspirational but out of 365 days, there were many where I woke up feeling like I’m not enough, like I could be doing more. Some days I prayed to be a better mom, wife, sister and person. Because of that, I say things I’m learning to believe, before my feet even hit the floor, every single morning. For that I’m thankful.

Because I still belly the fullness of grief, I practice gratitude on a regular basis. I can laugh in the morning, and sometimes cry by nightfall, and I’m so thankful for the duality and for the wisdom to know this is normal. 

I’ve learned to lean into old friends who have seen me long before I’ve ever recognized myself. They’re important. And special. And so sacred to me. I lean into new friends who link arms with me and walk together through the realness, happiness and heartaches of life.

I set goals and dreamed dreams for this last year, and I’ve truly achieved them all. That’s empowering and humbling all at once. That being said I have no idea what my goals are yet for 2025 except to go to church more. 

This year, I’ve happily danced with memories that once made me cry, and I have laughed in places that once broke my heart. I’ve learned how to better manage anxiety and stress, but also think it may be a continued work in progress. And that’s ok too. 

I’ve learned. I’ve tried really hard. I’ve endured. I’ve also been weak, and I’ve hated myself. With that, I’ve been working hard to become the change I wish to see in the world. I start every day within the walls of my home to be that light. Some days, I fall dark. (Also okay. We listen and don’t judge)

But every day this year, I have prayed. I have loved and felt love. I have been open to love. I have expressed thankfulness to God and the universe and to the people who love me for making me who I am. For giving me all I have. For knowing that I am abundant in the things money can’t buy. And that breaks my heart in a beautiful way some days. 

I’m grateful for all the pain, the beauty, and the kindness still existing in the world. Without all that, we’d feel nothing, and that’s not something I ever want to experience. I’m thankful for the health of my family and myself. I’m thankful for true friends. I’m thankful for old friendships and blossoming ones. I’m thankful for peace and the power of confidence and the vulnerability in love. 

May 2025 be the year you need. May it bring peace and many blessings. May it be surprising and steady. May it break your heart in beautiful ways, and balance you with peace. May you keep your eyes on Jesus. Remember to be slow to judge and quick to help. We can only meet someone as deeply as they’ve met themselves. We can only be our authentic and highest self and pray that the right experiences, people, and things find us in perfect timing.

Thank you 2024 for all of the memories. And 2025, thank you for being good to me and all the people I love 💗 I’ll be loving all my people without limits. Living life out loud to honor my mom. I’ll be kind, while taking no bullshit. And I’ll be manifesting more great things for myself and spending it with the people I adore so much ✨ To HEALTH, happy hearts, peace and LOVE. 2k25 🎊

Dear Mama ❄️🎄✨

| retiredsequins

I still remember the time surrounding her death. So many people prayed with me, prayed over her, and ignited my soul in a way that has kept me warm this entire time. Something that steeps in the most fragile corners of my mind, was someone who told me “you’re just like her; but with softer edges” a beautifully haunting phrase that has wrapped around my bones throughout the years. 

As Christmas season covers the world in a soft spoken prayer, I find myself missing her more. There’s still so much love that lives, yet still without a home. When she left she brought a mansion of unmade memories with her. And sometimes, here, without her, feels so empty. 

When I get sad, I find the urge for a quiet spot, to pour my heart into a calming pile of words. It feels like a wild stream of consciousness for a little bit until I find my rhythm, but tonight I knew just what I needed to say. I couldn’t wait to write a letter I wish I could’ve written when she was here with me, along with the beautiful pain of knowing everything I know now.

Dear mom, thank you for all the magic. Thank you for curating the blueprint for all of my most perfect memories. Thank you for guarding our innocence and feeding our childhood.  Thank you for silencing fears and negative thoughts. Thank you for putting me before yourself. Thank you for staying up late, and sometimes spending the last dollars you had set aside for yourself, on us. Thank you for thinking ahead, planning in advance, and having to create Christmas magic, tired, sick and sometimes while maybe even PMSing. That shit is hard. Ugh. The most superficial, may be the one that thanks you for the living room that literally overflowed into the hallways with presents. Another thank you whispers every time I make meatballs, vodka sauce, or the occasional (perfect) crispy but fluffy pancake. It was always magic, it was always you, and the way you taught me so much simply by doing good things and being present in love and life is why it worked. But I know it was hard. I know it was hard because I’m living it now, and somehow, for almost 9 years, I’ve done it without you. 

Thank you.

For teaching me how to set a proper table, and also how to set boundaries. How to forgive with grace, and how to never forget. How to cook with love, and that saying no with love, is an art to master. How to break bread with all kinds of people and also how to break in a new pair of cowboy boots, heels, and a solid leather jacket. 

Thank you.

For all the ways you loved me, and made me feel so seen and special. For the ways you built me up, and even for the ways you knocked me down. Thank you for teaching me how to pray and for praying for me, I know those prayers protect me still. Thank you for showing me how to live out loud, to never let anyone dull my sparkle, and to know the difference of digging my heels in to grow roots, or using my wings to fly. I’ve used all you’ve taught me and more. I learned to speak my mind, and wear my heart on my sleeve. I’m still trying to learn how to stop wearing my heart on my face though (iykyk). I learned when to soften my heart to hard situations, and when to let my thick skin do its thing. I’ve forgiven people and let people see themselves out, I learned the sacred skill of teaching people how I want to be treated. I’ve learned the precious balance of power and peace within.  

All because of you. ♥️

There’s so many times I’ve thought of you this season. Like when my friend brought me roses that instantly reminded me of you, but even more when I knew to cut them on an angle, under running water, for freshness and longevity. I think of you every time I shop, because I long for a Christmas with you again that I know will never come. I think of you every time I drink tea, and would do quite possibly anything, to drink one with you. I think of you in every laugh, every tear, every ornament hung on the tree. I think of you when the sunlight dazzles through the bare winter trees. I think of you when the snow quiets the sounds of the busy world. I think of you when I wrap presents, curl ribbon, and think of the best presents for the people I love. I think of the way you’d guess your present before you opened it, and always being annoyingly right. I think of you when I’m dog tired after a long day at work, and still come home to be super mom. You were the OG of super moms.

I learned it all from you. And thank you doesn’t feel adequate, especially when it’s coming years after you’re gone. But it’s important for me to honor you, on your 9th year an angel, at Christmas. You’ve taught me how to be strong and that it’s ok to be weak. You’ve taught me how to appreciate the most delicate details, knowing that’s where the difference between mediocre and magnificent lies. You’ve taught me to cherish the nuances of simplicity. The impact of unique experiences and quality time. The lessons that are found in every day living. All of this and everything more. There is nothing that seems insignificant in your absence. Everything is important because the lessons and treasures you left behind. Somehow, I’m still learning every day. And I have you, in life and in death, to thank for all of this. 

I almost forgot 🥹🥹🥹 My kids; your grand babies, they know exactly who you are, and I hope it melts you when you hear the way they speak about you. They know your favorite song, and what you’d order at Cracker Barrel (meatloaf 😂😞). It kills me to hear Veni say she misses you. For Mav to recall the way your house smelled and how spoiled your dogs were. And for Ace to question his own reality of remembering you or not. But you and I know he knows you, and he just might have been your favorite. They ask you to send them butterflies, refer to lady bugs as Gaga, beg for you to send them bucks in the woods, and credit you and St. Anthony when they’ve found something lost. You’re woven into the stories I tell, the meals we make together, the features of their faces, their mannerisms, their humor. You’re in every corner of their little personalities, and your spirit lives on inside them. They love you so much ✨

So that’s it. My poured out on the floor, broken little Christmas heart. I feel sad that I still miss you this much. So. Merry Christmas to my mama. Heaven is so lucky to see this season through your soul. And I know you know, but – I love you forever 🤍 I still needed you 👑