It’s June. And I’m in my feelings.

When people compliment me on the fact that I homeschool I kinda don’t ever know what to say so I respond with “I cry a lot😂” and if you’ve ever given me that kind and amazing compliment- you can attest to the fact that it’s true. However, I really don’t cry a lot. In fact I’ve found I say that to deflect the absolute truth that I really enjoy being with my kids all day long. And all night. And in the middle of the night. And early mornings. Obvi there’s a hint of sarcasm in there but mainly, I thoroughly enjoy being with them. I had my kids to have my kids. And tonight, one of the overwhelming tasks of organizing hit me in my anxiety and I took on Ace’s room. That little frat boy of mine is just like me in the fact that he – in the words of my mother – can fit 10lbs of shit in a 5lb bag (Maverick and Veni also carry this trait of mine. Matter of fact, Dan is like this too so. Birds of a feather I guess 😂)

So my work was cut out for me tonight. I always think of my mom when I clean, and to get myself focused, I thought back to when I had to clean out my own childhood closet and I always hated it. And I thought I’d do this dreaded deed for my kids from time to time because I’d hate for them to have those memories of having to clean on a hot summer night.

And tonight, the upstairs of my house, smelled like my house used to smell on a hot summer night. Veni was singing in the bathtub with her bathing suit on. Mav was laying upside down on his bed, waiting for the tub. And Ace was snuggled up with Stella in the big bed. I was loosening the little buttons on the fasteners inside the waist of every pair of his size 6 pants and shorts only to realize they definitely don’t fit anymore, and I cried. I cried because he’s gonna be 7. And the last time I thought about it, he was 5. So where did the last year fly off to? How did I do another year of life without my mom? How has Ace never met her? How have I mothered 3 kids without her? Why do I have to? How do I have a 10 year old who texts me really cool stories when he’s in the woods? How do I have an almost 7 year old who makes me belly laugh and also pluck gray hairs out of my head? How do I have a little girl who knows that being funny is so much more cool than being beautiful?

All the thoughts came rushing in, and with all the goodness my babies bring into my life, and all the time we spend together, it just doesn’t seem like it will ever be enough. So I cried. And I packed two garbage bags full of Maverick’s hand me downs, and all of Ace’s clothes that no longer fit his healthy growing body, nor Maverick’s, and nobody else to pass down to except a spider man onesie of Ace’s that Veni will love ❤️

But all of that, it just broke my heart a little.

Life is so much. It’s fun, it’s hard, it’s peaceful, it’s chaos, it’s happy and sad and every other thing. I read once that we are the universe experiencing itself. And if you really stop and think about that – it’s a pretty amazing thought. I try so hard every day to put out goodness, to practice gratitude, to love hard, to speak my truth, to build my children up, to be real with them, but protect their innocence too. I try to be a good wife, friend and sister. And I guess I’m just here to remind you to take it all in. Experience the entirety of a day. The duality that exists. The pain and the joy. The pride. The beauty of it all. Sit in every emotion as often as you can and feel it.

And if loosening a button breaks your heart a little, know that I understand you. You and me? We are each made up of all these little moments we collect over the course of the life we get to experience. The love we get to feel. And the love we get to give away. I love the fact that I myself am a collection of all my favorite people, and all their favorite sayings, their favorite things to do, their favorite songs, their favorite flowers, and all the experience that came with each reason why.

I’m trying so hard to practice gratitude this summer, and always. Putting the positive out and praying on anything that isn’t.

This month I’ll celebrate my eleventh year of marriage. I’ll reflect on the way we grow together, and set goals for what we can work on. We will celebrate completing our fifth year of successfully homeschooling our kids. We’ll spend Father’s Day and our baby boy’s birthday, camping on Lake George with the help of old friends and new friends. I’ll remember my mother on the eighth anniversary of her passing. And I’ll love the people who love me, my kids, and my family the way they do. I’m celebrating it all this month, because life is hard, but moms are harder 🫶🏼

I’m so grateful for this life. Thank you Jesus ✨