I know I’m not anywhere near old, however I feel like I’ve been through enough to become wise. I still plan on learning and educating myself, reading books I think seem fascinating. Listen to new music. You know, things that I enjoy while expanding my brain.

Learning to be like this comes with that age old double edge sword. It comes with a painful set of not so rosy colored glasses where you truly start to see through the bullshit. And I mean all of it.

I think if you know me; you know what I think about our government, the rights I don’t have as a New Yorker, and that we’ve made some unbelievably difficult choices that came directly from those things. But bigger, or smaller, than that (perspective is a bitch) you start to call bullshit on the behaviors modeled from people (read full blown adults) in your life. You start to notice people who talk shit about people, are definitely talking shit about you too. You know the type. They air everyone’s dirty laundry to you, and then they chatter that same bullshit out of the other side of their mouth to the exact people they were gossiping about. Thankfully, I don’t have anyone in my circle like this, and it feels great.

I’ve recently learned through a series of inner child meditations, that I don’t want to be a part of the small talk. I don’t want people to feel comfortable talking about other people to me. I don’t want to be the topic of anyone’s conversation, so I’m giving that same energy out. It seems so simple, but often people masked as friends or family aren’t really interested, they’re just fuckin nosey. And I’m over it. And you guessed it – this started with me. I’d be lying if I said I never talked about someone before, but also as I’ve grown up, I realized I didn’t like that. And talking about someone who’s hurt you, and you sharing that experience with a trusted friend, is different than just talking about the latest small town drama you want to weigh your feelings in on. Just, don’t.

I’ve had people sit in my kitchen one day, sing my praises, knowing full well they would never mention me at a table of opportunity. Or even a table of simple joy. I’ve started to realize that the comfort I have in myself makes other people uncomfortable and that’s just not my problem to fix. (News flash – you fix your world. I’ll fix mine) It’s really and truly that simple.

As a recovering people pleaser and funny girl, I dove deeply inside my own heart. The heart I had as a little girl and the heart I had as a first time mother; the heart I survived with as a mother without a mother and the fucking bad ass heart that beats inside my chest today. And truly, all the milestones in betweeen. I started this amazing meditation where you revisit your childhood home. You notice whose inside, what their demeanor is like, what you notice about the front porch, the hallway inside, and then the little girl in your clothes you remember from a picture you have in a box under your bed. What started all this is my own skin crawling revelation that I hated that I always felt like I had to say something funny, first, before anyone else could. Like I was trying too hard. And I hated the cringe that took over my body when people were laughing at a, usually, self deprecating joke. Because I knew this humor-as-a-defense mechanism was born from my own brokenness. From a little girl who was bullied by her own family and friends. I didn’t know how to change this on my own, and one night during the mindless scroll of Instagram, I came across a free inner child meditation. Reluctantly, I immersed myself and listened. I remember the walk up to the house was long, it didn’t look like I remember it, but my mom and sister were right there with little me. However, shortly thereafter I texted my sister and told her I don’t think I gained anything from it. Until, over the next few days, I felt a noticeable change in my mind. I texted my sister and told her about it: No more intrusive thoughts. (IYKYK) A lighter feeling in my overall mood. A better attitude. Better sleep. So naturally, I wanted more and I did the same meditation again. This time the house was happier, flowers shouldered up along the walkway, little Breezy was smiling more, and my mother was at the front and center every time, along with my sister.

I’m noticing now, as I said before, this anchoring feeling approaching as I’m about to hit 40. There is no anxiety, doom or gloom accompanying this age everyone tells you would suck. If I live until I’m 80, I’m technically at the middle of my life. The last 10 years have been the biggest mountain I’ve climbed. I’ve encountered birth, loss, renewal, genuine people, real connections, growth, happiness and so much fucking love. I’m looking at turning 40 as an arrival. A destination, that will propel me even higher and more forward. Where I want to talk about the people I come from, and how the best parts of me are born from their favorite movies and songs and quotes and stories, how their traditions and values are in my DNA. I want to share the people I love with other people I love and I want to talk about your favorite flower, who you were with when you got your first tattoo, and I want to know about the people who broke you and your testimony as to why you make the choices you make. I wanna hear about the hardest choices you’ve ever made and about your babies’ birth stories. If you want to get close to yourself, get close to me. And just be nice. And honestly, I want to have a coffee with you in the morning, and then have a beer with you at a fancy bar that night, and expect the same person. If that’s not you, then respectfully- see yourself out ✌🏼I’ve worked too hard on myself, mind body and soul, health and wellness in every facet – to get to the top of this one single mountain. I refuse to slip back. I still have so much more to see and do with this life. I’m so thankful to God for allowing me to experience a life so rich with connection. Where the soil is as beautiful as the fruit that hangs from the ends of a flowering branch. Where the strength is in the roots, and the balance is in the petals that bloom in a soft sun. I really like the woman I’ve become, and can’t wait to see who I’ll continue to become; and I’m not ashamed to share that with the world 👑

Happy March! 🌞