I was driving my husband’s pick up truck, wearing a hooded flannel listening to Miss new booty on 10, when I was inspired to write today.

I eat beef jerky for lunch and sometimes even for dinner. I homeschool my kids, I drink tea before my coffee, and I put onions in my socks when I’m sick. Sometimes I laugh out loud that I am exactly who I used to make fun of when I was young and dumb 🤦🏼‍♀️

I’ve become the opposite person 20 year old Brianna thought she wanted to be. And honestly? It’s hysterically beautiful to me. As I approach the milestone of 40, I’m overcome with gratitude. It fills my entire being with love. My life is truly smiling back at me right now. It feels kinda like the accomplishment we all aim to achieve. So excuse me for indulging in this moment. It just feels so good to be here.

I’m light in my heart, where I still get giddy for a beautiful night sky. You know the kind, where you can hear the moon speaking to you. But steady enough to know exactly who I am. I’m aware I’m too much for some people, and with that, I’ve been able to master the art of not giving a *~flying fuck~* what those people think of me.

20 year old me would pick me up screaming with excitement at how far she’s come. She’d kiss me right on my lips and say “we did it” and only she and I know exactly the weight that holds; and the millions of meanings it has 🥹

To look back on my life thus far, as I’m preparing to get to that midlife, mile marker we are told to fear, I can’t help but to pulse with pride. I’m aware that this inner dialogue I’m sharing can come across as arrogant or too confident or whatever people will feel, but I’m finally at peace with the fact that those people don’t get it yet, and that is A-OK. I’d even gently encourage you to do the work, and you can get on my level. You just have to learn how to climb. You’ll find you have to climb through wind and rain, through heartache and physical sickness. Climb through the pain. You’ll have to fall down a few times, maybe even back into the hole you started in, and with dirt in your eyes, crying out for your mom, in a dark and lonely night, you just need to stay climbing. Looking up.

Shutting the book on chapter 2023 helped me reflect, and review a few lessons I’ve learned. In forgiveness, in loving, in second chances, and in choosing me first. In learning who people are and then placing them where they belong, permanently. And sometimes that means in the past. Even when that means family. Especially when. And to be honest, it’s freeing. Some people committed long ago to misunderstanding you, and it’s not your job to explain anymore. Not your job to be the one constantly on the high road. And if you know about the high road, you know it’s a lonely place. I’ve learned most people have tunnel vision, one track minds, and unfortunately sometimes they’ll have both. It’s up to you to pay no attention to those who try to rock your world. It’s your job to keep an open mind, forgive for your own peace, accept apologies that will never be said, and move on.

The future is the place where all the beautiful seeds of yesterday and today bloom. At all different times and places, into different colors and shapes. And, a lot like love, life changes colors. If you can realize that you yourself change, then you’ll realize how many parts of your life dance in and out of this beautiful, broken rainbow. We live, we learn, we feel uncomfortable – and then we grow. And boy have I grown. 39 year old me is so proud of far I’ve come and I am so excited to celebrate another year of health, success, and happiness. I do the hard and the holy work. I cry. I fail. But then I look to the sun, and I shine.

I wish for 2024 be your best chapter yet. Remember to pray. Have the courage to manifest your deepest wishes. Stay present. Be kind. And don’t let anyone rob your peace. You worked hard for that 👑