I lost you so many times in the last 7 years.

I’ve lost you when I brought Ace and Venice home. I lost you when the babies took their first steps. I’ve lost you every Christmas morning. I’ve lost you on your birthday all over again every year. And then on mine. I lost you every time I looked at a picture of you in disbelief it was all I had left. I lost you every year at the change of the seasons. When the leaves fell to the ground. On the first snowfall. On Fourth of July. I’ve lost you so many times when I look into my children’s faces. When I look into the mirror. When I wrap presents. When I go shopping. I’ve lost you every 5 weeks in my chair at the salon. But this year.

For the first time in 7 years. I feel like I’ve found you again. And any time I’ve needed you, I have been able to find you. And for the first time in 7 years, it feels like maybe it doesn’t hurt anymore. I feel like I can feel fully happy to do the good things. To celebrate your traditions without totally missing you. I feel like my kids know who you are even though the only memories they have really belong to Maverick and me. I feel like celebrations don’t have the sting like they used to. I’m not comparing the thoughts in my head to the life playing out in front of me anymore. I’m present. I’m happy. I’m not aching for you.

For the better part of the last decade I’ve missed you in everything I do. In the memories I make. In the magic I create for my family. You are very much still alive in my heart, but where there once was a hollowing emptiness, a bright warmth pulses in its place. The love that vanished when you left the earth will never be replaced, but it doesn’t feel as hard to do the happy things anymore.

Mama, I miss you still every day. I think about you on a regular basis. I love you and appreciate you in ways I never could when you were here. But I’m ok. Your love has always been able to find me, even in my lowest moments, but your strength sits heavy in my heart, your memories dance around like lights in my mind, and your zest for living life out loud is very much alive inside the purpose of my soul. Happy 7th thanksgiving as an Angel, my beautiful, powerful mother. I still needed you, but I feel like I can finally say I’m at peace with your passing, without understanding the reason why. And I know one day all the question marks that used to burn my brain at night, will one day be answered. I love you. And you’ll still be sorely missed at the table this year 🤍

I hope if you’re reading this, you feel peace and love and true fulfillment this holiday week, and that it lives on throughout the Christmas season and into the new year.

Hug your babies. Love your husband (or wife). And try your best to place perspective where it’s needed. For years you guys have come along with me, and it’s been a long time coming for me to be able to write this blog post. Truly there were times I thought I’d never feel like this in my journey in grief. It truly wasn’t a thought that one day my grief would feel a form of closure.

I’ve worked through this for 7 years. With therapy, journaling, reading, everything to do with healing – I’ve tried it and it’s helped. This past year my health was in a bit of a trouble zone and I promised myself that I was going to wholeheartedly deep dive into healing myself, once and for all – mind body and soul. I’ve done so with with prayer, nutrition, meditation, educating myself, working out, walking, journaling, creating a sleep routine, making healthy choices that turned into habits and probably some other things I can’t think that have popped up in the process.

I feel the best I have in a long time; and I’ve seen a new light in my own eyes. I’m thankful every day for the all the different loves I get to be apart of, both giving and receiving, in my daily life. It is not lost on me how easy it is to take things in life for granted, and I try every day to see the simplicity and the beauty before me in every form.

Thank you God for a healthy family, to know what love is and what it feels like; for the fullness that is my life; and all the gifts I have that can’t be seen.

I hope you have a beautiful Thanksgiving week with the ones that fill you up. I hope your travels are blessed, and you stay safe and I hope you feel so loved 🥰

Thank you 🙏🏼

xo -B.