The year is 2002, I drive my Jeep down to crossgates blasting Mario’s just a friend – I walk into the Uno Pizza entrance and head straight for Aldo. I spend $100 on all my winter accessories, scarf, matching mittens, necklace, earrings and a big baubley ring, maybe some lace ankle socks. I then take the elevator downstairs to the big kitchen store and look for presents for my mom and dad, then shoot over to AE for another present for myself and definitely one for Allie. Grab an orange Julius in the hidden corner and then finish it before I’m allowed to walk into Delia*s. I never check my phone – bc it was my mom’s wooden detail flip phone, complete with a keyboard that I had in my glove box in case of emergencies only. No text. No amazon. No online shopping. Just in person, leisurely strolling a mall that felt safe during Christmas time.

It’s been feeling heavy. We can all agree on that. But my point is, we once were better, we knew better and did better. We are better people than what we see in the news(feed) every day. We all have liked different things our entire lives and managed to get by, get married, and some of us are even lucky enough to have brought babies into this world. And then somewhere along the way, something happened. Where we thought our opinion was best. Our team was the greatest. We had the most amazing beliefs. Our convictions were stronger than theirs. My mothering way is better than hers. My husband spends more time with his family than him. My holiday party/breakfast/makeup/winter decor will be picture perfect and I’ll post about it.

Do you see what’s happened? I am guilty of things too, but see above – all the things I wrote, were ways others have made me feel just by the way they talk out loud and post on socials. The way they speak in public and the passive judgements that are made in conversations.

I try to be my best self every day, and truly I do it for my kids, my husband, and myself. I try to make things feel warm and welcoming always. I want my children to remember waking up in a house that was safe and warm. A home that was free from speaking negativity out. A safe space to learn and become who we are all meant to be. And a sacred place to fill with love and light.

But then there’s those times when I have nothing left inside to give. Zero patience, no warm and fuzzy because I drained myself. Then I beat myself up and feel like I am not worthy of all the things I want and have because why? I’ve literally emptied myself into a black swallowing hole that is politics, hot button issue convos, and yes even judgement – this is a reminder to myself to just push it all aside. At least for the next 6 weeks. We have holidays to celebrate, and people to hug. Kids to spoil with love and attention because they have been through it. And we can all agree they need us, somehow, more than ever before.

The other night I was telling the boys a story about my childhood. And my middle asked “but did you even have a pyyooootie?” (He was asking if I had a computer 😂) and I didn’t even hesitate to say no.

Because times were simpler, and easier, and I miss my childhood a little bit more this time of year. But I’ll keep the magic alive by loving my children well. Loving my neighbor, even if they have a different flag flying proudly in their front yard. And by doing the hard and holy work I’ve been called to do in this life.

All we can do is start at home. Do my kids know some of the reasons we make some of our choices? Yes. Will they love and see everyone for who they are and not by the color of their skin or if they love the same sex as them? Yes! Yelling YES. I am raising good and kind humans. The boys are empathetic and just want to love everyone they meet. My littlest is watching and learning by all the examples they set, that we set. And we are all still ALWAYS LEARNING together.

From my home to yours, all my best and festive holiday cheer and my longest and warmest winter hugs. God bless you and may peace and joy fill your heart and homes today and always.