Spent the morning driving through the foothills of the Adirondacks yesterday. Because I needed some …. mountain time I guess. Maverick was at preschool and Ace, my little wingman was dreaming away in the back seat. I had Maren Morris filling my ears with her melty gritty sound, and the windows cracked for that ADK air in our lungs. My mind was 35 filing cabinets with every folder open and the wind was blowing all my papers, plans, dreams, to-do’s and appointments all about the place.

So I had to take a drive to escape from everything I could, if only for an hour. Life has been BUSY. A constant state of overwhelm. March is such a bittersweet month because it’s the month my mother celebrated her birthday in, where I celebrate mine, and where I fight time the hardest trying to make my oldest born stop growing up so damn fast! But then all at once it hits me like a breath after swimming under water, and I feel calm. Because life is happening exactly as it should. And in the midst of all the busy, late nights, party planning, baby appointments, kindergarten everything, working, time away from my man, and all of that, I remembered a favorite quote of mine. Yesterday morning Dan and I didn’t say see ya sweet tits! Have a great day soul mate! I love you so much I can’t live without you! Can’t wait to see you! (Which is usually most days, all true for us) We actually left the house around the same time and words and actions weren’t very friendly or very married-like to say the least. So I drove. To get to him. Because I know that when people are the most difficult to love, that’s when you have to lay the loving on. You actually just need to go OFF on the love game. I’m talking favorite sandwiches, loves notes, bear hugs, corny jokes. All that. I know from experience because I was pretty difficult to love once, and from time to time I’m sure I get that way – AS WE ALL DO. So for me, I’m just tryna keep it real in a world full of people chasing the next popular thing. Doing something because it’s easy or cool. I just wanna say, every day I put in 100% and I can confidently say that so does my husband. His 100 is FAR and away different than MY 100, but we are both putting it in. From the minute we open our eyes until our heads hit the pillow at night. We are IN IT. So yeah, I drove off for me for him for us, and I let him know how good he is. And let him know how well he is loved. In a hollow little upstairs apartment being renovated in a small town in the ADKS. I hugged him, reminded him how important he is and how great he is doing in life as a dad and a husband. I love this guy with my entire being. I have for almost a decade now, and he means more to me, and I trust him more than anyone, and he makes me so happy. And in the hard times I still remember it because his light shines that bright.

I haven’t shared this photo with anyone because it’s a pretty personal moment, but it’s real and it’s raw and it’s what happens off the highlight reel. It’s what sheer thankfulness, relief and a full heart of gratitude look like, to me in a picture. And in this intimate setting of the few people who spend the time to read my words, I feel safe sharing with you 😌

So here’s your friendly reminder that life is overwhelming. And it’s a challenge. And if you don’t put in the love and the effort and the grit, you will never make it. Anywhere. Not at work not at home not as a parent and not as a spouse. We are all in this together. And we are all struggling through every day. To be the best mom/dad/entrepreneur/homemaker/breadwinner/human in society. So let’s just all take this in, and put out some actual goodness today. And wherever you go, be it your kitchen to make dinner, a meeting at work, or a gym to get your workout on; melt into that room like sunshine, cut yourself some slack. keep that grit about you, and pour your freaking love out. Because the world needs more of it and we need it now ☀️💖👑

I just wanna say that life is really very short. We are put on this earth for a small fragment of eternity and it’s up to us what we are going to, willing to, and fight to do on this earth.

What I have learned, TIME and time again in my life is that – Not every girl is going to cheer you on. Even the ones that for all intent and purpose should, won’t! Not every man is going to treat you like gold. Not every day is gonna be sunshine and rainbows.

And though eventually we all weather some really nasty storms. We don’t always come out better. Sometimes we only come out ok. Sometimes we don’t make it through at all. And THATS OK. Sometimes it takes time and therapy and lots of self love, a vacation, a new relationship and/or a little more self awareness to feel even just ‘ok’ over time. (And again, that’s OK)

It’s after these storms you realize who your girls are. You realize who loves you, who makes you, who isn’t deserving of you, and who you choose to do life with. You do start to notice who isn’t clapping for you when you succeed, and you know the ones who talk shit right under your nose, and you tell that bitch BYE. (Seriously I’m telling you, we all have at least one person in our lives right now who hates from afar, doesn’t enjoy when you’re happy or successful, can’t be happy for or celebrate anyone let alone themselves, so we need to trim the fat, cut the loss, rip the bandaid off and let that one GO. Because if they’re not with you, they are against you. This is your sign!)

Ok ok I digress. So ok. I once was told by someone (and by that I mean when we stopped associating with eachother she said these things to people who let me know the awful things she was saying) I worked for that “hurt people hurt people” and that I was a “black cloud hovering over her life” and she said these things publicly and used these really dismantling quotes in reference to …me. It is something that I hate to admit has stuck with me because at one point I looked up to her so much. But yesterday, everything came full circle for me. And I truly love when these things, these epiphanies happen. I have started following more enlightening and educational things on social media, and a girl named Dona who is quickly becoming one of my favorite people, posted about the zodiac! And in turn I downloaded an astrology ap and was reading up on my sign and a little piece of one of my signs’ deeper meanings was the sentiment that wounded people go on to become the best healers, because they’ve been jaded and trampled by pain. They’ve had their soul rung out before their eyes, jumped on, spit on, and still managed to come away unbroken, wounded yes, broken – hell no.

And there I sat. My kids were asleep, and my mind was absolutely blown. Isn’t perspective fucking amazing? Like yes, in her world – hurt people, hurt, people. Yet here I am, though 6 years older and wiser yet still let those little and I mean LITTLE statements made by a small mind affect me! Until last night. When the notion that for me, hurt people (myself) can actually heal people. And ya know what? THAT is the train I wanna be on. Not some broken down bootleg negativity breeds negativity bus. So thank you, dear old friend for your lesson in my life finally, FINALLY coming to a close.

Now. today I can stand proudly and say – I don’t care if you don’t agree with me, I don’t care if you don’t like my hair, my style, the way I raise my kids. I don’t care. It has no weight on my morals, my values and the way I walk through this wild life. I don’t even care if you’re someone who believes that sharing my happiness could possibly take away from your own. If you’re that shallow, that once you tip to fill someone else’s cup with some love, yours feels empty? I don’t want you to pour into me, and quite frankly, I don’t want you in my life.

Because now, where I am? It’s amazing. I’ve lost some pretty significant people in horrible ways. I’ve been abused emotionally and physically, and then chose that again for myself because it’s all I thought I was worth. I worked for one humongous asshole, for about 3 years too long. I stayed in a toxic relationship with an abusive boyfriend because I didn’t know the depths of my worth. I’ve escaped situations I never thought I’d live to talk about. And here I am, hands on my child bearing hips, chest puffed proud, and smile beaming because I am proud of all of these things. The shit, the grit, the abuse, and then, the sunshine. It makes me every day. And just because some people can’t see the way the light shines through me, doesn’t mean it isn’t there. And more than anything, I like to celebrate and radiate WITH others, because there truly IS enough happiness to go around for ALL of us.

The changes that happen after you lose someone truly are not for the faint of heart. And parenting surely is not for pussies. And though the style of my writing is honest and off the cuff, I have a real humility inside, and it comes from deep within and with a lot of weight. But it also comes with a huge bright light that all I wanna do is give away to everyone I love. But what I have learned. Is the people that aren’t worthy. I don’t feel sad or guilt about not sharing with them. Because my therapist told me that some people just lack EFFUSION, and if there is one thing I am definitely not deficient in, it’s that. Please look up the word because it’s meaning is truly beautiful.

So today. On the first really nice day of the spring season, I urge you to weigh your warmth. And protect it. Protect your inner light, and only give it to the people you feel really understand what they’re getting when you’re giving them a piece of you. Because if you know how to be generous with your heart, your time, ya know all the things money can’t buy? There isn’t a better quality to possess in this life, on this earth, in your community and in your circle. And I pray you know who your circle is, too. Mine is small and it comes from Florida, San Diego, Denver NC, a domestic goddess I’ve known forever, NJ, Heaven, an unexpected best friend and sister in love, a cute little apartment in Bspa, a huge heart a few houses down from me and a few other really rare and special places in between. You guys are constantly keeping my cup filled and my warmth steady. And I can never thank you enough, or tell you how deep my love runs for you.

Happy, happy spring ☀️

It’s been said that women should know their place. In the kitchen, in the home. In the bedroom. Whatever the sentiment is. But I’m here to tell you; That shit is outdated.

I’m a part time working/SAH mom. Meaning I work 3 days a week and then I come home to second shift – ON THOSE DAYS – I come home to dishes, dogs, clutter, mail, bath time, bedtime routine, one more story, one more snack, one more question before my mind gets to rest. My plate, my hands, my heart, my brain – they are all so full. And they are so busy. And I am SO LUCKY, blessed and beyond anything I ever deserve to be with being a mother in this lifetime. To the sweetest two babies, and one more soon to come.

But mama is tired. Mama is so tired. Of cleaning of cooking of rushing, of begging for alone time, of begging for date nights, of begging my kids to clean up after themselves. Of begging my friends to understand. Of cleaning up dog shit. I’m tired of all of it. And this winter is NOT helping. I’ve never asked Dan if we can move south so many times.

Dan and I are coming up on 10 years of being together and there’s a lot that is so great. And there is a lot that needs so much work. We each have a therapist. We cosleep in separate beds with our kids. We have three businesses between us, and as thankful as I am, sometimes I just want more.

More happy. More rest. More downtime. More me time. More freedom. More life. More energy. More sleeping in. More date nights. More girls night out. More lazy mornings. More sex. More coffee. More spare time. More organization. More clean floors. More hours in the day. I’d like more of all of this. I mean what is this daylights saving antiquated bullshit?? If you’re gonna take an hour from me as a working, pregnant mother of 2, you better be giving that back to me somewhere. Anywhere.

So what’s the answer? Wow wouldn’t I be a millionaire if I knew. I like to pride myself on being pretty level headed and, well, all around awesome. I’m not pushy, I’m not someone who loves deadlines and hurried projects, or spending a day “wasted” cleaning the house when we could be doing something far more fulfilling like a family day, with quality home spent. But damn all the loose ends are starting to fuck with me and well, there’s this baby coming like a freight train with quite the deadline and though I have time, that time is similar to most things in that it’s already accounted for.

So here I sit on the eve of my mother’s would have been 60th birthday, feeling sorry for myself. And maybe it’s the everloving grief with a touch of impending depression I feel on these types of days over the last almost 3 years since she’s been gone.

Maybe it’s because she had such a full life and didn’t complain much. Maybe it’s because I miss her and life is really hard for me right now. Maybe it’s because as lucky as I was to have her for the 32 years I had her, I still needed her here. I still wanted more from my mother. I still need her guidance. And I need her now more than ever. And the more time passes, and the more life throws at me, I just wish I had her big loud voice and opinion and her big love filling me up and guiding me somehow. Because the truth is: nobody comes close. Nobody will ever hold a candle to her. Nobody will ever give me the wholeness of understanding that she did. And quite frankly, I’m done seeking it. All I need is inside me, and it came from the queen herself. All the love she poured into me, and the tough love she rubbed on me like sandpaper has given me the greatest lessons I’ll ever need. Has given me all the love I have inside. Has given me all the love I have to give away. Has given me the love I have to redeem myself in my darkest times. Her love alone has given me all the strongest traits I possess today, and I’ll be damned if I waste one ounce.

So mom, tomorrow will surely suck. But in the true fashion of grief, today will suck far more. The anticipation of the day has been creeping in on me since February. I don’t get to shop for you, I don’t get to plan a party for you, I don’t get to buy an outfit and find a babysitter and get all dolled up in your honor and celebrate by slammin back captain and cokes together on a Saturday night with good music, laughter and karaoke. I don’t get to do all my favorite things with my best friend and mom, because God needed her more than I did. And that sucks to know it as a cold hard fact. Know how much I miss you, and need you, and how I long to celebrate WITH you and not celebrate your life here without you. I want you to know that I still remember everything. The trauma is deep in my bones, and travels my mind in a circuit some days. As excruciating as it was to watch your soul leave your body, the aftermath is harder still. I wish you were here. I wish I was hungover this morning because we were together celebrating last night. I wish I could bring you back to spoil you one last time. But more than anything I hope that wherever you are, you can feel how much I love you, and how badly I wish I could hug you so so tight and have you kiss my head through my hair.

Happy birthday eve to you, my beloved mama girl. You’d have been 60, and you probably would have hated saying that number, so. I see what ya did there 👑