HAPPY. FUCKIN!!!! NEW YEAR!!!!!!

Ah. So. Yeah the energy that is January first is usually very enlightening and energizing for me, but this year I felt different. I just wasn’t feeling it. Maybe it’s because I’m pregnant (WITH A GIRL!!!!!)

Maybe it’s because I’m not going on any crazy diet, and the fact that I know I’m mostly just gaining weight for the next 6 months. Yup. And it’s my last pregnancy, and I know that, and I’m ok with it because ya know why? I breast feed like a mother fucker and I usually lose 25/30lbs in my first week of pushing out the child and nursing like a champion. So there’s that. GO. ME.

Also, I’ve had like. A lot of family time. Like a lot. And I bet you have too 🤓 and I’m just ready for that breath of fresh air that’s supposed to swoop in and take you off your feet this month, and yeah I’m still over here tapping my foot waiting on it 😂

It’s hard to reinvent yourself every month, every year, ever other day. It’s hard. And I had a really big change in my professional life this year that I spent hours reading and taking classes and educating myself to switch to a new color line and it was a big adjustment in an otherwise easy breezy part of my life. But I’m better now because of it.

It’s hard to feel like you WANT to reinvent something. Like, I wanna become a minimalist with a micro wardrobe and hahahaa no who am I kidding I’m never gonna be that kind of girl. But no I do want to take every single thing off my wall, buy a new plant for every room in my house and maaaaaaybe purge some clothing. Ya know. Like my hoe clothes I really seriously need to hang up already. Because mama of 3 ain’t going anywhere tropical ANY. TIME. SOON. And my clubbing days are back in prehistoric times now, and I like drinking beers in maxi dresses and we all know I have an abundance of those bad boys though. So. Yeah it’s time. RIP hoe clothes, (though I will NEVER retire my sequins 👑)

I’ve also had some big changes in my personal life this past year. I guess 2018 was pretty eventful after all. My husband started another new business venture and is balls to the wall invested, which means like it or not I kind of have to be too, which is challenging, but I’m slowly making my way into glam-lord territory and we may just be the next Chip + Jo. Every day a new dream is born, right?

Like, here’s a dream – in my head I’m that mom who has sweet potatoes prepped in non toxic glass Tupperware, right next to the kale which is prepped and rubbed with EVOO and I have all my kids snacks in a beautifully kept drawer that they can reach themselves as to lessen the tasks in my day. But in all reality. I ordered pizza two nights in a row this week because pregnancy brain, old friend, you’re a bitch. And I keep forgetting key ingredients to the dinners I’m tryna make. Like yesterday? Everything but the taco meat. Everything. Except the main event. Way to go slick.

So yeah, I fail every day. Every. Day. I fail. Many times. But I still wake up every morning, now, nauseous and tired and wanting to crawl into a cave til spring, I still get up, and pour my entire heart and soul into my children, my home, my husband. Some days it’s hard, some days are easier. I’m an avid and firm believer that communicating and patience can get me anywhere. I am learning not everyone is a good communicator, less than sub par honestly. And not many people have the patience of a patron saint such as myself. So I try to give the 350% even when I only get 60% from others. And that’s on a good day.

So this year. In 2019. I’m promising myself to be a REAL, I repeat REAL woman. What women were put on this earth to do. We were not put on this earth to work like a man, workout like a man, live like a man, think like a man, and pick up all the slack in every single department of everyone else’s lives.

Like, oh, Tina – that hair appt doesn’t work for you because you don’t have daycare? Sorry about that. Your children are adorable but your fucking daycare issues are not my goddamn problem. Oh, Janice, you can’t make it to my 35th birthday celebration because you’ll be on a cruise to the islands with your husband who bought you a new Land Rover for your tenth anniversary? Send me a postcard hun! You KNOW who I’m talking about, these joy sucking, dim your light so theirs can shine, never ever celebrate you BITCHES.

I’m just done. Bending over backwards and emptying my own cup to fill everyone else’s. I’m vowing to only fill the cups of those who fill mine and GIRLLLLLLL, you know who you are. You’re the one clapping for me from way in the back, with a mask on, because your kids have the stomach bug but you still showed up for me 😂🤢 (disclaimer – I have no friends named Tina or Janice and i wish everyone a healthy and flu and stomach bug free winter and spring!)

Ok wow I digress. So yeah, I was put on this earth to do all the things a man cannot do. I can breast feed. I can carry a BABY inside my own body and nurture it when it’s just a little ballpoint pen tip sized grouping of cells. I can create calm inside my head. My heart. My soul. I can create peace for myself and the people who find me worthy. I can rely on, count on, and ask very few people for help, to listen, and I can ask those people to love me. I can use my vulnerability to be SOFT, not hard and scared. I can use my love to lift up others. I can use my calm to speak dreams and hopes into my children’s ears and minds. I can use my sense of community to help my neighbors, my friends. I can use my relatability to make new friends, and break barriers for better relationships. There is so much I as a woman haven’t done yet. And the first chapter begins now, in preparation to become a girl mom in July. (Can you tell I’m pumped I’m having a little queen?! 💕💗👑🥰)

Call it pregnancy empowerment. Call it the new year. Call it I’m sick of feeling mom guilt, every time I leave. anxiety, every time I want to have a conversation about something. And I’m sick – I AM SICK. of feeling depressed!!! Ok?! I’m climbing out of the trenches of my worst feelings and deepest secrets, and scariest demons once and for all and I’m doing it in the name of my mother, my children and my God given meaning and purpose on this beautiful green earth. It’s onward and upward. I’m about to be a mother for the third time. I know how spectacular it is to be a mother in general, but I only have the experience of how to be a mother of boys. I feel this new sense of direction, empowerment, enlightenment and the deepest desire of wanting to be better, the best most amazing version of myself. And ya know what? I have some pretty amazing people in my life. Ones who listen intently. Ones who say nothing at all and let me blurt for 10 minutes straight. Ones I look up do. Ones I trust with my life. And I’m counting on them, and thanking them every minute for never wavering and never leaving me, and never doubting I’d be back. It’s because of the people who love me, and celebrate my successes, the people who lay down next to me when I am dying inside, and run their fingers through the strands of my soul and take away all the knots. These people collected me in their arms and put me back together, and now I’m ready to be me. When they say it takes a village – moms need a village too. So so thankful for mine. I can finally say, that even the hardest days, the fear in my body, the anxiousness in my chest, the guilt in my brain, I know ho to work through it. And yes it’s therapy, (hello Margie you have saved my light. Yes my light) and yes it’s listening to my body, yes it’s sobbing so loud and breathing or tapping it out, or reading a chapter of a great grief book, or doing an activity in my anxiety workbook, that it’s all worked for me up to this point. And at the ripe old age of 34 I am ready to live this life out loud. Laugh. Cry. Cry until I’m laughing through streaming tears. I want to feel all the emotions. Save my money. Spend my money. Eat the dessert and lose the weight. Fulfill my purpose and become so healthy in mind body and spirit, that other people see me and want to do this too. So happy new year. Enjoy it. Because that is what you are here to do.

💕💗CHEERS FRIENDS 💗💕