There’s a faint twinkle outside my window, across the street from my neighbor’s front yard. They went all out for Halloween, and every day, Maverick asks me when WE are decorating. I can never bring myself to adorn my house with skulls and skeletons and all things black and orange. I’m more of a harvest decorator myself. But it brought me to the realization of just what I’m trying to teach my children. What I’m trying to teach them in every day, day to day, living life.

I don’t wanna raise a brat. Who gets whatever he wants when he wants it, or that we are ever gonna do what everyone else is doing. I certainly don’t want to raise two brats. I want to equip my kids with wit, humility, certainty, a healthy mind, kindness, and love. And a thousand other things, but those are the ones that come up first.

Lately life has been…. really fucking good. Like to the point where I feel guilty. And is there a word for the fear that something bad is gonna happen at any minute? Because that is so me in my element right now.

Since we’ve last talked, I’ve been through some stuff! I’ve seen miracles. I’ve seen tragedy. I’ve felt the most amazing love. I’ve felt fear that has nauseated me. And still, I feel so happy. Happier than I’ve been, in a really, really long time. Matter of fact I have a picture of myself with huge gold hoop earrings on, sitting in my adorable kitchen in Scotia, holding my dog. And that image comes to mind because I remember feeling infinitely HAPPY. And this same feeling of doom looming overhead in the form of anxiety is, and was in that pic, always kind of there.

But ya know what? I’ve felt so bad for so long that I don’t even care to pay that doom attention. And to support that point, I’m just gonna keep on striking while my iron is hot.

Because I deserve this. I deserve this lightness and happiness. I deserve to be loved endlessly by my children. To think they are the most beautiful people alive. I deserve a husband who loves me and shows me that love in so many different ways. All the ways. All the good good ways only a man can love a woman. And I deserve a refreshing and inspirational reset in my professional life. I deserve GOOD fucking friends, who love me. They love me so well. Even if now, it’s not a night out for a birthday and a hotel room and a hangover that ends us up at TGIFridays on Sunday afternoons anymore; but instead, a phone call on the way home from work. Or a bottle of wine dropped off for no good reason at all. Or a genuine “girl how’s things” over text.

Today, my son asked me out on a date. He asked me if we could go eat lunch together after preschool. He asked if we could go “in town” and I of course said yes. There isn’t much I don’t say yes to anymore (kind of my new motto ☺️) So we landed at Cantina. And he asked me to sit with him on his side of the booth and my heart actually melted and I had to fight back tears at noon on a Wednesday because the wonder and the charm that is Maverick John is all too much at times 😍😍😍. We laughed and talked about what dead octopuses look like, and took some silly pictures and then we went to target to buy some legos when he asked me the question I won’t soon forget.

Mom, is Gaga on the list to pick me up at preschool? Ugh. My freaking heart kid. He continues on to let me know how much he misses her and thinks about her, and how if she ever could come down from heaven to pick him up how he would (direct quote) “pee my pants if I saw her!”

My. Heart.

This. Child.

I can’t say this enough. But lately, some really amazing things have happened for me. I’ve met some seriously inspiring people. Cried with strangers. Witnessed actual miracles. Been moved to tears in a simple late night conversation after a color class at my job. AT MY JOB. (I love you JG)

I just. I feel truly lucky to be alive. To be given this life. These children. This wonderful man. Yes I lost my mother. I lost her tragically and it still guts me to think about how she left this world behind that hot day in June. But then, in an ordinary day, I see sunshine and rain. I see smiles and tears. And I’m alive. So I might as well live. It’s ok to live. And I’m finding that I can live a happy life full of color and noise… with a breaking sadness inside me.

Today I loved the fuck out of life. I purged lots of stuff. Actually I’m thinking of somehow becoming a minimalist, just…. NOT with my wardrobe. And I’m gonna tell all of you. Go out and LIVE. Out loud. And then purge your shit. Purge it all, your clothes, your picture frames, your junk drawers, your friends 😂😂 whatever. Just let that shit that has been weighing you down GO. Bye!

Cut your hair, quit your job, remove something gross from your diet; spend the money, and in a year from now? When you feel weightless? When you feel good? Please let me know. Because we all deserve to fly sometimes ✨

Thanks always for reading. I have so much more to give, and I hope this little arrangement of words finds you happy, healthy, loved and well 👑