I have to run into target and get candy. Because I haven’t done that yet and HI. It’s Halloween. I dropped my son off this morning and stayed to watch his first little Halloween parade at preschool. And girl, I am a mess. Currently sitting in target parking lot crying listening to Gwen Stefani Christmas music. His teacher said some really special things about my baby and it just touched me in some really deep way.

I’ve been really emotional lately. Lots going on behind the scenes of life, and it’s been busy. And I’ve been making a lot of changes. Like big ones. I’ve been getting rid of people who don’t add value to my life. People who are just NOSEY, not interested. People who speak fluent frenemy. People who don’t love me. Here’s a big BYE, and a 🖕🏼 to you. I saw that quote recently that says “check on your strong friend” and it was cool because I realized, all my friends are strong. And so am I. And I may be trying to live a more natural chemical-free life and get rid of the shit in my cleaning products and in my food and guess what – I don’t need your fucking opinion on what I’m doin. I lost my mom. Due to toxins that were put in her body, yes she smoked, and girl did she like her captain and coke, but she also entrusted her health to doctors to fix her and what they concocted for fixing actually killed her. And two years later, while my brother and sister and our families have rallied together and tried to emulate my mothers’ very essence, there have been some dark hearted people trying to bring us down, and bring us more pain. I never ever thought I’d say that losing my mom now is one of the easier parts of death. I said that wrong. Losing her and watching her go still to this very day is fucking excruciating to think about, but I thought that was the worst part. It was and wasn’t. There are evil people in this world, trying to steal joy and happiness and health and mental stability from us. From you, from me, from our children.

Guys it’s our job to be the good. Shed that good clean light out of our bodies like sunshine. Like sunshine on the hardest gloomiest day. I pray every day for the health and happiness of everyone I love. I thank God every day for what he’s given me. I say positive things out loud, I write them, and I try my very best to help other people get into a headspace similar to mine because it’s literally changing my life.

I don’t give two flying fucks if you want to stay low in frequency. But I wish you’d try to rise up and vibrate on another level. I wish you’d research how awful GMO’s are and how they are poisoning you and your kids. I wish you’d care about the food you eat as much as your hair or nail appointment. I wish you’d wanna clean your floors with natural lemon, and also, eat natural lemon. I want everyone to cut the shit out of their life. If it’s a person, a piece of meat this week, or check one thing you feed your kids and see what’s in that shit. THROW IT AWAY.

I’m on a rant and I know, but it’s because it’s important. And we worry and we stress and we only have this one life.

Tomorrow starts the greatest season of all; Thanksgiving. And you can unfollow me or crawl back under that dumdum rock of yours and be who you’ve always been, or you can change with me. One of my fav quotes is “when you know better you do better” my good friend Patti has said this to me since I myself was 21. She’s been a light, a lifeboat, a ladder and SO much more to me. I may even say at times she’s doubled as a mother for me. It makes me cry happy ugly tears to think of her and how truly good she is down to her soul. And she has helped change the course of my life in many ways and I guess this is my thank you to you, P ❤️ I love you. And I want to always aspire to be more like you.

So back to my quote – I know better now. So I’m trying my best to do better. And if doing better is sharing my knowledge about what you are putting in on and around your body, soul, heart, brain and belly and how it is affecting you every day. I am in no way shape or form perfect. I’ve gained 5 pounds since summer, I let my kids have candy sometimes for breakfast. I let a lot of things bother me that shouldn’t, I feed my anxiety sometimes instead of feeding my dreams, I’m a real bitch to my husband some days, and I’m a work in progress every day. The people who speak to and around me are powerful. They celebrate me. They get me. They love me, they check on me, and they bring me up. And my family? They are the beat of my heart, the seeds in my soul, and the love they give to me is heavier than the earth itself, it is worth it’s weight in gold.

So today, I want you to enjoy your family, your babies, your m o m. Drive to your mom’s house if you can and show her your kids in their costumes; damn I so wish I could do that tonight…. Take too many pictures. Read a few good quotes. Ask your kids about their day. Tell your hubby how hard working he is, and what a wonderful daddy he is. Dudes, if there’s any way you’re reading this 😂 tell your wife she’s a fucking super hero. And she has a great ass, and that you are so proud of her and how she always pulls it together for you.

Happy Halloween. And tomorrow, remember this new season is hard for many of us out here in the world. Making our way through another holiday season without some very special people who should still be here. Kiss your babies. Thank God for what he’s given you. What he’s giving you 👑✨🙏🏼

The world is a scary place, some people and their ways are just mean and mind boggling; and most days I’m afraid to go out with my kids to run a simple errand in fear someone is out there trying to cause harm for no good reason. I went to the Justin Timberlake concert on Saturday night and I took the passcode off my phone and wrote a note for whoever found my phone to relay to my family in the event that I was killed, or stolen. I don’t watch much news, I don’t follow many news outlets on social media, but my anxiety and stress and the guilt that is mom brand is REAL. So anyway, I made it out of JT unscathed, but I’m sad to live in a world where there is so much hate, and evil and in turn, fear.

What I am thankful for is having three mouths to kiss goodnight, and every morning too. I’m thankful for my children, and that somehow my kiss fits perfectly into their little faces. And my husband. And the endless happiness they bring to the deepest place inside my heart. And then it glows with love. My siblings, my saviors. 👑 My phillips clan. And my few good friends, even the ones who came back into my life these last two years. You guys are the reason I always try to be up.

The thankful season is upon us, so try to be kind and keep comments to others happy and light. Lend an ear or an extra long hug to someone because, from experience, this season can be a tough time on top of the day to day stresses one person may be facing.

I had a very full day of curve balls, lost calls, no service for three hours which I let IRK me to NO end, and I’m still annoyed at how much it annoyed me (breathe it out) and I even navigated a corn maze with a stroller with THREE BRIDGES, all before 11am. Bless you to the teachers who helped me 🙌🏼👑 We had an unexpected trip to the doctors office and everyone and their mother texting me about theyyyy holiday hair. Then once I got home, I realized we had zero toilet paper and it was back out for some more terrifying errands. Then home, TO COOK! #notallsuperheroeswearcapes

And ya know what? My husband didn’t get the best of me tonight. And let’s be honest sometimes the kids don’t get the best version of me either. Last week I didn’t sleep through the night once and I thought I may actually fall asleep standing up doing a bridal trial, but LIFE MOVES ON, literally and figuratively, with or without you. And I just wish I could Benjamin button through my days sometimes and reverse the way I’ve acted. My intentions. My words. The way I show love. My main focus this season is to be the best to the people who love me without boundaries. The people who love me no matter what. The people who love me when I’m ugly inside. So here’s to YOU, too. Kiss your babies, let your husband feel you up while you’re standing over a hot stove with multiple hot pans and pots, and you feel anything but sexy, but really stop being so uptight. Shut your phone off, and take your bra off when you walk through the door. And for all that is Holy, have a cocktail!! ✔️✔️✔️✔️

(You’re welcome (self) for the much needed pep talk and overall inspirational talk.)

So yeah, even after I’m not my best self, Dan is somehow, still, pretty spectacular. Like, I have a real good, honest to goodness MAN, on my side, loving me when I don’t deserve it and encouraging me to take a deep breath when my shoulders are scrunched up. And currently, I feel thankful to be able to listen to him tell Maverick his bedtime stories and listen to them laugh together while I’m in here unwinding and writing this. He’s just so good. I am so lucky. These boys of ours? The luckiest to have a daddy like him. I’m thankful that I’m raising my kids next to most of their cousins, and for my Panera date with my little niece and my boys today after a pretty adorable field trip with their class. Im thankful for my children’s, my husband’s and my health. I’m thankful for FaceTime, crock pots, and craft beers. I’m thankful to be a boy mom, I’m amazed sometimes at how much I love being outside with them, in the great outdoors, freezing my tits off, but I’m with them; laughing into the cold dark dusk, and they think I’m the coolest girl ever. I’m thankful for who they inspire me to be.

Ooooh I always digress, ALWAYS. So yes I’m well aware that I am jumping the gun with the season of thanks, so fine. HAPPY HALLOWEEN. (My neighbor put up their Christmas lights today!) Be so so safe, inspect your candy, (targets dollar spot now has Christmas decor trickling in!) wear reflective colors, and stay WARM! Secretly hoping we get this wild snowstorm that’s supposedly making its way up the coast (🙄🙄who even am I. Ew.) ok, I’ll stop ☃️ I mean 👻

There’s a faint twinkle outside my window, across the street from my neighbor’s front yard. They went all out for Halloween, and every day, Maverick asks me when WE are decorating. I can never bring myself to adorn my house with skulls and skeletons and all things black and orange. I’m more of a harvest decorator myself. But it brought me to the realization of just what I’m trying to teach my children. What I’m trying to teach them in every day, day to day, living life.

I don’t wanna raise a brat. Who gets whatever he wants when he wants it, or that we are ever gonna do what everyone else is doing. I certainly don’t want to raise two brats. I want to equip my kids with wit, humility, certainty, a healthy mind, kindness, and love. And a thousand other things, but those are the ones that come up first.

Lately life has been…. really fucking good. Like to the point where I feel guilty. And is there a word for the fear that something bad is gonna happen at any minute? Because that is so me in my element right now.

Since we’ve last talked, I’ve been through some stuff! I’ve seen miracles. I’ve seen tragedy. I’ve felt the most amazing love. I’ve felt fear that has nauseated me. And still, I feel so happy. Happier than I’ve been, in a really, really long time. Matter of fact I have a picture of myself with huge gold hoop earrings on, sitting in my adorable kitchen in Scotia, holding my dog. And that image comes to mind because I remember feeling infinitely HAPPY. And this same feeling of doom looming overhead in the form of anxiety is, and was in that pic, always kind of there.

But ya know what? I’ve felt so bad for so long that I don’t even care to pay that doom attention. And to support that point, I’m just gonna keep on striking while my iron is hot.

Because I deserve this. I deserve this lightness and happiness. I deserve to be loved endlessly by my children. To think they are the most beautiful people alive. I deserve a husband who loves me and shows me that love in so many different ways. All the ways. All the good good ways only a man can love a woman. And I deserve a refreshing and inspirational reset in my professional life. I deserve GOOD fucking friends, who love me. They love me so well. Even if now, it’s not a night out for a birthday and a hotel room and a hangover that ends us up at TGIFridays on Sunday afternoons anymore; but instead, a phone call on the way home from work. Or a bottle of wine dropped off for no good reason at all. Or a genuine “girl how’s things” over text.

Today, my son asked me out on a date. He asked me if we could go eat lunch together after preschool. He asked if we could go “in town” and I of course said yes. There isn’t much I don’t say yes to anymore (kind of my new motto ☺️) So we landed at Cantina. And he asked me to sit with him on his side of the booth and my heart actually melted and I had to fight back tears at noon on a Wednesday because the wonder and the charm that is Maverick John is all too much at times 😍😍😍. We laughed and talked about what dead octopuses look like, and took some silly pictures and then we went to target to buy some legos when he asked me the question I won’t soon forget.

Mom, is Gaga on the list to pick me up at preschool? Ugh. My freaking heart kid. He continues on to let me know how much he misses her and thinks about her, and how if she ever could come down from heaven to pick him up how he would (direct quote) “pee my pants if I saw her!”

My. Heart.

This. Child.

I can’t say this enough. But lately, some really amazing things have happened for me. I’ve met some seriously inspiring people. Cried with strangers. Witnessed actual miracles. Been moved to tears in a simple late night conversation after a color class at my job. AT MY JOB. (I love you JG)

I just. I feel truly lucky to be alive. To be given this life. These children. This wonderful man. Yes I lost my mother. I lost her tragically and it still guts me to think about how she left this world behind that hot day in June. But then, in an ordinary day, I see sunshine and rain. I see smiles and tears. And I’m alive. So I might as well live. It’s ok to live. And I’m finding that I can live a happy life full of color and noise… with a breaking sadness inside me.

Today I loved the fuck out of life. I purged lots of stuff. Actually I’m thinking of somehow becoming a minimalist, just…. NOT with my wardrobe. And I’m gonna tell all of you. Go out and LIVE. Out loud. And then purge your shit. Purge it all, your clothes, your picture frames, your junk drawers, your friends 😂😂 whatever. Just let that shit that has been weighing you down GO. Bye!

Cut your hair, quit your job, remove something gross from your diet; spend the money, and in a year from now? When you feel weightless? When you feel good? Please let me know. Because we all deserve to fly sometimes ✨

Thanks always for reading. I have so much more to give, and I hope this little arrangement of words finds you happy, healthy, loved and well 👑