It has been my very thorough experience that most people just don’t give a shit about other people. It’s a selfish and broken world we are living in right now. Modern barbaric times. And if you’re kind, or happy, or hopeful, or even hopeless, it’s a big cold scary world out there.

Take it from me. I’m one tired, broken ass bitch. I mean that in the most literal and figurative of ways all at once. My patience are tried, my heart is broken, my mind is always racing. My tank runs on fumes most days and for what? A pretty picture on instagram? To try and psych myself out to the point of comparing myself to someone in my life?

The people who know me? They KNOW me. They know my grief is still thick. They know I’m in the midst of shoveling my way through the depths of depression. They know I cry alone at night in a bed I sleep in with my kids. They know my marriage takes a back seat to almost everything these days. They know I’m morbid and sad and sometimes that’s a lot to listen to, or read over text. But those people? They still call me. And they still text me at midnight. They still tell me I’m strong when I feel like the only thing I’m good at is failing on every level.

Some would say love should never be hard. But love has so many levels of complexity and sometimes things that are layered with such twists and turns get sorted into a gray area that sometimes in my opinion can be, well, difficult. And THATS OKAY. It’s ok to say that sometimes love is hard and I’ll explain why.

Do you think when Dan married me 5 years ago he knew my mother would die a very ugly and sudden death? Do you think almost 7 years ago when he proposed to me, bare foot and on a mechanical bull, he thought there would ever be a time we didn’t fall asleep talking like we had just had our first sleepover? Do you think we ever really knew what we promised to each other “in good times and bad, in sickness and in health” would EVER actually be the latter? No! We didn’t. Because you really don’t ever plan for the bad, the unthinkable, the ugly torturous shit that pops up. And boy has it popped UP. And then beyond Dan, my family. My friends. My own father. Some people just can’t hang tough. But it’s in the absence of those people who didn’t choose to stand by me, that I have the strength to stand alone. There’s a quote that says something along the lines of how we are all just one phone call, car accident, diagnosis or break up away from a life changed forever – and it could not be any truer. Hard love is, navigating our way through the murky waters that have been the death of one of our parents and the very ugly aftermath of it. Our vows and commitment to each other have been put to the test time and time again and even though we are not perfect we put our best in for each other even on the silent treatment days. Or the days we argue through text as to not fuck up our kids by hearing us yell. We are looking odds in the face and defeating them, even when we’re trying to defeat each other. But, same team. Same end goal. Same love is somewhere way deep down towards the bottom of our sometimes very heavy hearts. It’s the absolute foundation of who we are together today. It’s the blueprint. It’s the very pure and simple building blocks we put together the first few months of dating where we knew we’d be together forever.

Life is weird in that, we all die in the end. Thats fucked up to say out loud. It’s even more fucked up to write out and have these words forever in a blog post on retiredsequins.com. Nobody hates putting bad shit out into the universe more than me. I even have mantras in place for my children as to have them attract good and shield off the bad. I repeat positive things out loud throughout my days and if something is really bothering me I write out positive affirmations for the people I love and me. I guess my point is. We fight, we love, we laugh, we cry. We have things, really bad or really great really amazing or really devastating things that happen FOR us in this lifetime. Job changes, meeting people, losing people, hearing your favorite song for the first time, saying goodbye forever or saying hello again after a long while. All of these things hold the same exact weight and they hold no weight at all.

I try every day to wake up and choose happy, positivity, health, and love. Some days are easier than others. Some days my 4 year old sends my 1 year old flying through the driveway because he hit him with his bike. Or I’ve talked about poop more than I ever EVER care to ever talk about poop ever again. (That constipation bout ruined me as a mother for a good week) Some days I am pouring out smiles from a painfully dried out empty cup. Some days I wake up and I’m rejuvenated by something supernatural that picked up my spirit, but either way. Every day, I try my hardest to put forth my best self. I speak fluent in many love languages especially the people who live under my roof and the very few people I hold near to my soul. I’ve even been able to adjust the way I love people based off the way they receive love ~ meeting someone as deeply as they’ve met themselves.

People see me smile and laugh. They see me live in a decent house in a beautiful town raising two dreamboat children and a husband I still find completely attractive on many levels. What people don’t see is my tear soaked pillow, my spare bedroom filled to the brim with my mother’s clothes and belongings. They don’t see that I feel like an orphan a lot, parentless and roaming through life’s hardest lessons, often on my own, or until I feel crazy enough inside my own head to ask for help. Or start bouncing some of my insecurities and issues off some of my closest people. And sometimes the people closest to me don’t wanna hear it. Or they don’t wanna help. Sometimes the people closest to me forget exactly what I’ve been through in 34 short years.

At the end of the day, I’m a human. I think I have a lot to offer to anyone but specifically I am a devoted wife and mother who fiercely and endlessly loves her family. I hurt every day when my brain turns to memories of my mother. I smile every day with my kids. I look forward every day to seeing my husband walk through the door. I enjoy talking to my brother and sister throughout the week and it’s always a bonus when we can spend quality time together. Sometimes being an in law in a humongous family can really sting. But mostly it feels really good to have such a sense of belonging in a world where I sometimes feel rootless.

Anxiety is not new to me but the level I experience now is unlike any other. A text message, a phone call, a meeting called at work, a fever for one of my kids can send me into instant hand shaking/cheeks flushing mode. And it sucks and it’s terrible and any human who lives like this on a daily basis I honestly pray for you every night. My husband and sister are among some of the most anxious people I know, so I know we are not alone, but that doesn’t make it at ALL easier.

I guess I just want to invite the good the happy and the healthy into my life and the life of my sons, husband, and all the people who love me so well. My mom said to me once that maybe all the bad happens in the beginning, so that life can be enjoyed later on. Ya know, because “A calm sea never made a skilled sailor” (thank you MAMA)

I’m hoping this is the later on and that all the positive affirmations I’ve written out begin to see the light of a new day.

To feel the light of a new day. To dance in the light of a new day. To be the light of a new day. Health and happiness for my children. Health and happiness and clarity of the mind for my husband. Continued blessings and enlightenment through love in my marriage to a very good man. Happiness. Abundance and the fleeting feeling of innocence for the people I love. And all the light my heart can hold for the people who love me back.

You’re still saving me every damn day 🌈☀️