So. Recently I’ve been trying really hard to understand my own feelings and why some things work the way they do. It is extremely rare these days that I find myself in a quiet setting alone with my thoughts. Usually it’s on my way home from work and I turn the radio off and I put my rosaries in my lap and I travel back in time to when I was a catholic school girl and I recite some Hail Marys and a few Our Fathers and round it out with a Glory Be. It’s therapeutic to just give up all my stress, anxiety and worry, if only for a short multitasking 30 minute ride home. Ya know only 3x a week. But I give it up to God. I’ve realized recently that there is no building a foundation in a flood. If I had no faith I’d be nowhere right now. I’d be at rock bottom searching for Jesus. Or driving to the nearest looney bin and checking myself in. Or drinking or smoking some good stuff. But I’m a mother and there will be none of that. So, I pray. And I ponder. And I analyze and worry and google search and over stimulate my brain into complete and utter exhaustion. I know you mamas out there FEEL ME. And damn I wish I could tell you it’s all gonna be ok, because I do genuinely feel like I’m in the storm of a lifetime some days, but somehow, a good nights’ sleep and the dawn of a new day always seems to make things… okay. Even okay is better than bad so we take what we can get. So here’s the thing. When you sit on the shore of your feelings, and feel all of the sadness and happiness too, you can really learn a lot about why you’re feeling a certain way. (WHY I WRITE!) So, for example’s sake – let’s say, someone has this amazing plan coming up for themselves, be it a vacation, a cooking class, or a trip to target alone. You don’t really know why you’re feeling any kind of way until you stop the 10-25 other tasks you’re doing in a days’ time and focus on the feeling. Maybe you maybe you feel left out, unthought of, forgotten, isolated, simple, alone. Maybe you even feel a bit jealous. As a mom it’s extremely easy to fall into the rabbit hole that is comparison, also, longing, wanting and just that feeling of what once was. Now don’t get me wrong, I love my life. I love keeping a house up, mopping floors and waxing hardwoods have become one of my favorite things to do to keep my brain sane. I love having two little butts to wipe and preparing 3-4 breakfasts before 8am some days, I enjoy buying any birthday presents, household needs, planning parties etc. I’m thankful I have all of these busy things to keep me going. It’s when I stop that I realize there’s a lot of empty parts inside the busy. And that it’s ok to feel empty when you’re constantly pouring out love, attention, creativity, detail, and every last bit of brain power and patience most days. Explaining why a drain sounds the way it does/why we have more trees than our neighbor/and figuring out that wanting rice krispy treats really means he wants a rice cake to a spongey 4 year old brain, telling the never end story before bed time, answering but why a thousand all day, all while having the sorest nipples because you committed to 12 months of breast feeding, is sometimes really f’ing exhausting. I’d love to simplify but if you have kids you know there’s a very skinny window of opportunity to donate toys, jeans you’ll never fit in again and decor from your first home. I mean. Can I just feel miserable some days? Isn’t that ok!? Isn’t it all ok??? I haven’t yet made it into a therapist because though everyone was bringing the heat with the suggestions – all the therapists are booked! So I’m wait-listed for 2 of them, and waiting for one to return back from her winter vacation. Sigh. I guess my main point is. It’s ok to be real. It’s ok to say no, because you’re (not so) secretly falling apart today. It’s ok to leave the damn mess, not make the damn dinner, and to not feel bad when you don’t. Truth is, I haven’t slept through the night in about a year. I’m a part time working mom and a part time SAHM, and I am certainly hanging haggardly in the balance of the two. I’m tired, I’m sad, I’m happy, I’m stressed and I am SO blessed. I know one day I’ll miss all of this beautiful craziness I myself prayed for. Life is not a pretty picture posted on Facebook. It’s not a constant upswing. It’s a lot of other things and it’s all gonna be OKAY.

I blindly started hot yoga with a girlfriend recently and was instantly hooked. I’m planning to do it every week until it gets too hot around these parts and then I’ll know some pretty rad moves so I can do it outside somewhere on my own. I’m hooked and I’m making time for me myself and I. I’m in charge of a lot of things but those things are also in control of themselves. A wonderful friend once told me “I’m always up, but if I ever fall down I’m gonna be there for a while” no truer words have ever been spoken. So I guess what I’m here to say today is it’s ok to lay down periodically, catch your breath, calm your mind, put your hand over your heart and say something nice to yourself. It’s ok to fall apart. It’s ok to have a bad day, it’s ok to say no. It’s ok to admit you need some help.

I hope for sunshine in my life and for all the people I love to be healthy happy and loved. Especially my children. I hope for clean kitchen sinks before bedtime and all your food to be organic. I hope for your husbands to cherish the ground you walk on, and I hope that deep inside your heart you feel love. But most of all, I hope a damn therapist calls me back this week so I can get back to feeling myself again. Oh, and C’MON SPRING ☀️