Sia’s “I’m still breathin’ IM STILL BREATHIN” is stuck in my head because her new song is my new anthem. So guess who had herself a little meltdown last week?! ….ME. It’s high time for some therapy and for some truth. Mama doesn’t have it all together. I’ve got a lot going on in my mind to the point where my scary thoughts wake me up at night and it is just TIME for someone to come in from the outside and help a sis out. I’ve wanted to shop, cut my hair, color my hair, get a tattoo and go on a diet all in the last week so that’s ya know all the tell tale warning signs that my brain needs a little order and my heart needs a little love. On the professional level. My goodness, if the highlight reel were the only reel we’d all be a lot less stressed and way more happy. But this thingity thang called life is a roller coaster of emotions that picks you up and then drops you; and I’m just over here holding on and pretending I like heights. Lots of things are mine and belong to me and are made from my loins. My husband is a wonderful loving strong and steady man who I chose and who chooses me every damn day, and he chooses me twice when I don’t wanna choose myself. He loves me harder than I even realize most days and he is a true fucking saint to deal with the emotions that are his wife. He’s amazing and my hero and my saving grace. My children are the very beating of my heart and they keep the wind in my sails, they understand my language of love and they are fluent in speaking it back to me. Acey baby’s tiny little soft baby hands in my hair and on my face and Mavericks all knowing how to put a smile inside my heart when I need it exactly are truly the most magnificent treasures to be found in my world. These children fill me up in ways I’m not worthy of and I say it out loud all day how thankful I am to God for making me their mother. For making me a mother at all, and then blessing me with two perfect healthy children who feel me in all my love and all my pain and the goodness in them makes me want to be better. My sister and my brother. Two of the only people who have my back no questions asked and love me when I’m ugly inside. My in-laws who inside them I have found the most beautiful support system where we look out for one another without even knowing it and we are loving each other’s kids and bringing them up together. For all of these connections I am deeply rooted in gratitude and thanks. I am blown away some days where I have to strip it all away, fall down in a heap on my knees and silently weep for the blessings I am lucky enough to count. It has been a theme in my life that I understand LOVE is all we have. It is given when it’s least deserved, best received when it’s unexpected, and feels unlike any other emotion on this earth. It’s a feeling of otherness. It’s the smell of your favorite city in the summer time. It’s the sound of your children belly laughing. It’s your husband smiling proudly while listening to you speak and help grow your children up. It’s the purest, most sincere, most binding emotion and I am thankful every day for the abundance of different loves I get to give and the loves I get to receive. Today, if you have time – listen to the song “I’m Alive” by Sia. And at the very end of the song when her voice is desperately breaking as she’s singing, she says “I’m alive” four times. As you’re listening think of four different ways YOU are alive. I did this and it was awesome. First I’m alive and I’m thankful for my life and the very mighty lessons I’ve learned to be able to comprehend how very special and short this life is. And how happy I am to be….. Alive. Second and third I thought of Maverick and Ace, respectively as I’m alive to mother these sweet sweet children. To take pride in every millisecond I have with them while they are BABIES, to raise them up to know they will move mountains, smash world records and glass ceilings and become the most loving, supreme, and kindest humans they can be. Fourth, I’m alive for my marriage and for the responsibility that is mine to love this man in bad times and in good. I’m alive because he loves me and our life is a beautiful work of art that continues to be tested by the outside things we have zero control over. After taking this different spin on listening to the song I had a feeling like, wow. I’m alive. My my mother is not. I’m alive for a short time in the grand scheme of things. I only have so much time to walk this earth but here I am, showing up every day living out loud, loving my people and hoping to make an impact on this earth. It’s my most divine duty to utilize this time to experience all that life has to offer, and as long as I’m looking at life and what it has happening before me, me and the people I hold closest are all gonna be ok. We’re gonna be better than ok, we’re all gonna be great. So go ahead and listen. And then listen to yourself. Listen to the tiny seeds of intuition and reality connecting. You and the people who love you have planted these inside your deepest thoughts, and these exact thoughts need to be manifested. We can all manifest more good. It’s amazing to do this especially if you’ve never heard this song – prepare for chills.

This weather sucks. It’s miserable and cold and our hearts are ready for the good times, the sunshine, the warmth after a cold hard winter. I’m not in my best mood myself and I’d like to blame it on the retrograde because I’m not as crazy as I feel most days but shit this has been a wild month to say the least and I think every day I’ve said out loud “I just want my mom” and guess what, she came through, she’ll be coming through again, and she’ll always be here even though she can’t. If you can’t understand that, be happy you don’t 🙂 As for meeeee, on the days that hurt the most, I like to touch dirt. Plant something. Ground myself again. Plant a little seed, feel me? love y’all, happy f’n spring 🌸