How in the world was it you? Of all the people in my little universe, how was it you. That had to be sick. That had to leave? How is it possible the only way I see you smiling anymore is behind a piece of glass. An image on a piece of paper is literally all I have left of you. Your death. Your very. Terrible. death. A death you suffered through. Still haunts me. I’m still processing. Did it hurt? Were you hurting anymore? Do you remember crying? Do you remember us crying? Could you feel our pain? It’s still brutal to think about and most of the things are too much to bare. It was hard when we had the shock to protect us but now that that shock is gone, wow. It is heavy. It’s heavy in the way that your shoulders scrunch up around your neck and you don’t realize why you feel so tense until you actually feel the sad stiffness in your body and it’s then that you can relax a bit. But then your focus goes to the lump in your throat that you didn’t notice because everything else still hurts when you think about it. Envisioning it is too hard. Talking about it and remembering details I’ve pushed away from the ever spinning wheels in my head, those details reappear, but again without any protection. This all really happened. You are really. Gone.

We took Mav to The Whiteface Lodge for his birthday. It was awesome. We had the best time as a family and tears definitely flowed. From my eyes, from Dan’s eyes. It was a true gift we executed perfectly, and in your honor. I hope you know we do a lot to honor you. On the night of Maverick’s 4th birthday, there was no cake, there wasn’t one present, just a full blown experience. I gotta tell ya, it was hard to not invite anyone else. It was hard to not pack presents to have him open up in the hotel room. It was weird not having a cake and I almost left 3 different times to go buy one because it felt WEIRD to not even so much as have a candle topped cake for my little kid!!! (You bet your ass when we got home Wednesday I went to Fresh Market and let him pick out whichever cake he wanted and invited Nance and Al over to sing and celebrate!) In our defense we had all plans to get the waiter to bring a nice dessert with a candle in it and we planned on singing and all that, but whiteface got the best of Mav and he passed out before his dinner even came out to the big cozy leather couch in front of our own personal fire we were eating our dinner at. (Whiteface is dreamy and magical and everything you ever need and want and MORE. So spend the money and GO. I promise you won’t regret it!)

So after both our kids fell asleep, it was Dan spending time convincing me we need a weekend away just the two of us, my mood turned melancholy and he could tell right away why. All morning my phone rang and Dan’s phone rang and FaceTimes came in one after another to wish my little love a happy birthday. And all day we were busy. Laughing, running, swimming, skating, theatering, game rooming, sledding and s’moring it up. But at the end of a very special day it hit me like a ton of bricks.

My mom never called. She never called. And it’s these realizations that come out of thin air that really cut my heart open. Mav had a birthday, and he didn’t get a call from his Gaga, because Gaga doesn’t have cell service in heaven. And she never will. And this is just something I have to accept. And it sucks and I could write for days on end about how bad it sucks for me and for my siblings and for our kids. But you know what? You know what’s kind of awesome? We planned this entire memory making three days away BECAUSE of Mav’s Gaga. We didn’t want to spend money on something that really added no value. We wanted to give Maverick and Ace the experience which created feelings and memories we won’t forget. We had a blast and we spent time together as a family and there is just no other feeling on earth that is more completing than being together with people you love.

It is not lost on me that my mother was just a pebble in this great wide world. But when that pebble took the plunge into the ocean of eternity, that small pebble made a gigantic splash, and that splash created ripples and those ripples are vibrating through time and space and earth and air. Those ripples are everlasting. Those ripples are her legacy, and the lessons she left behind for me. To pick up the slack and to give the gift of experience. To give the gift of my love. To give the gift of living life out loud.

I will never forget the final moments with my mother. I wish I could say it was peaceful or beautiful or honestly any other words than the ones that actually come to mind when describing the way she had to go. It was excruciating, it was brutal, and it kills me every day to remember how it all went down. But what I can take away from the absolute horror of her leaving is the lessons she taught me in her death. She is the reason I keep my head up. She’s the reason I hide my cries from my children. She’s the reason I know how to ask for a hug when I need one. She’s the reason I do, the reason I don’t, the reason I love the way I love, and the reason I stay up. My mother was a force, a beacon of light and the very beat of my heart. When I write about her I can feel her and she helps me understand, every day, what I get by giving. Especially to my kids.

T I M E waits for no one. Your laundry can wait. Your clients can wait, your house can. wait. There is actually no use in crying over spilled milk and most battles are not worth fighting. But at the end of the day, (I know I have said this one million times in this blog but I MEAN IT!) all we have are the people we love, loving us right back. Take your time on this very sacred day to look your people in the eye and tell them exactly what they mean to you. Write it in a card. Date it. Do too much, fuss too much, love out loud, and love til you can’t love no mo’. Because at the end, after all is said and done, the only thing that remains, is love. Please take this from me, because I KNOW. And even on the days i miss my mom’s love the most, she bends time and space and she shows up. Because that’s what love does.

Happy Easter. I hope you enjoy your family. I wish blessings and miracles for everyone. I hope for health and happiness and all the new energy and rebirth that spring brings. I hope you make the best memories today. And I hope your heart is light.