I read something recently called the 5 minute rule. No, not when it’s okay to eat food that’s fallen on the floor, something way more useful. The idea that if you don’t do something within 5 minutes your brain actually kills the idea. I started practicing this new rule right away as that’s what this little rule is entirely about. Not tomorrow, not more than 5 minutes from now, but within the first few minutes you think of something, you must act on it or you will talk yourself out of it and your brain will go the extra mile and kill and bury any idea you don’t almost instantly act on. So since I read about this almost 2 weeks ago, I’ve lost 5lbs, I’ve become a better cleaner and organizer, a better enjoyer, a baker, a donating son of a bitch, a better mother, wife and all around I’ve become less lazy, less OCD, and more of a doer. I’d like to thank my 2am breast feed session which turned into me finding the actual end of the internet and brought me to this article that I’m telling you, has been changing my life!

So here it is. As you all know, my mom is no longer walking this earth with me. Some of the long term effects have shown their ugly faces ever since the shock and disbelief has worn off quite a bit, and now I’m living this new life as I know it. I’ve always suffered from a touch of anxiety, so though the feeling isn’t new to me, it’s absolutely more prominent. Since I’ve noticed this new part of my DNA, I have to acknowledge the things that once came so naturally to me, now sometimes feel paralyzing. While I realize being a 30 something with two little ones to raise, a marriage to nurture, a career to succeed at, a household to run and my own body to take care of, is a daunting task at best some days; I’ve talked to enough moms to know this feeling isn’t just all that, but that coupled with the loss I suffered a year and a half ago. So on an average good day, there’s anxiety now, and the greatest sense of being overwhelmed by making simple plans or running a 10 minute errand, or how pure panic sets in when being asked to do otherwise fun things, anxiety over taking on new endeavors, setting new goals, anxiety and guilt and pressure to teach two children while keeping them SAFE, respectful, well fed, kind and wonderful, is. A. Lot. It’s a fucking lot ok! And some days it’s a struggle but this 5 minute rule is seriously helping me out. It’s also inspired me to make a vision board. One that has my greatest hopes, deepest wishes, and biggest aspirations for this next year. Ones for me, my husband, and my children.

The five minute rule has opened my life up to this idea that I don’t have to be perfect but I have to do more than just exist, I have to LIVE. And I have to live now. And while I’m living, to be intentional about the seeds I’m planting. And how I love and lead while I’m planting these seeds. And how the fruits of my labor will be so much sweeter if my seeds are planted on purpose with a love bigger than me. With an intention greater than me. With a legacy I want to leave behind one day, in mind. With my babies, my favorite humans, having the best possible mother because she is taking care of herself while taking care of business. I knoooow that life can be down right hard, bitter, nasty. And if you have one experience that has knocked you down, you well know that sometimes it takes a minute to get back up. But it’s in that moment you realize that the universe is inside of you, and you have to give it back.

If you’re one of the truly blessed people who have a love that created life, then I’m talking to you! It’s our purest most innocent and important duty in this life to be KIND, to teach love without limits, and to spread the light inside of us. Yes it is extremely cliche on the last day of a calendar year to want to change and be the change and be a light or a life vest or a ladder for someone who needs it, but what about starting with yourself this year. Be who your kids need, who your people need. Be intentional. Be kind. Plant little seeds all over God’s green earth and plant those seeds with love. Lift someone up. Help someone out. Let someone depend on you. Let your light shine! And seriously, idk what article it was but it lit a fire inside my heart and I just wanna be the best version of myself now because I know at the very end of it all, n o w i s a l l w e h a v e.

This year, I’ve asked my husband, on many occasions if he could just try to love me a little bit more since I miss my mom’s love so very much. I’m normally not a very vulnerable person, and I hate to ask for help. And it was HARD to explain what asking for extra love meant because I didn’t understand it myself, I just knew I needed to be loved a little more by everyone and anyone who ever loved me, so I could feel again, so I could love again, so I could be patient again. And though he didn’t understand what that exactly meant each time I asked for it, he loved me more than he ever has. He poured his excess into my soul and filled a void inside my heart with his big unconditional love.

Together, we created a new life this year, we continue to teach our oldest son how to be a wonderful human and it’s been our greatest joy to watch our children play with and love each other. We welcomed new life on both sides of our family, we added my sister and her two dogs to our already wild life, and we let go of some very toxic people. We’re trying to live a life we are proud of while doing our best to make sure our kids have two happy and healthy parents. We, like many others are vowing to take better care of ourselves this year. To love better, to eat better, and to be better. To rise out of a primal, survival mode way of living to doing things out of joy and happiness.

This last year I tried so hard to find the silver lining in every situation, even the extremely sad or very frustrating ones. 2018 my mantra will be pray and walk away. Because with all of this being said, there are some people who just aren’t worthy of my light.

So, as this year, the second year without my mother in it, and the year I learned what true hurt with no protection felt like, comes to a close, I’d like to thank you. For reading my rawest and most vulnerable emotions. For saying nice things. For even reading this little blog at all. I hope for health, peace, happiness and success in whatever version you need it, but most of all I hope your heart is light yet filled up, that your mind is happy and I hope that your soul is free. If it’s not, please do something in the next 5 minutes to help yourself, or ask someone to love you a little extra when you need it the most.

Happy New Year friends. And cheers to you my mama 💛🥂⭐️