Dear mama,I miss you. I just really miss you a lot today. Maybe it’s the new season that has just snuck up on me for the second time since you’ve been gone. Maybe it’s that Halloween is over and I never took the boys to your house to trick or treat because ….. you’re not there. You weren’t there to open the door and scream with happiness at how adorable your two grandsons looked. You weren’t there with little mini cauldrons filled to the brim with candy for Mav, and one with teethers and safety lollipops you would have assured me Ace was old enough to eat. You weren’t there with your witch hat on, and your corn stalks and haystacks weren’t out front because you’re not here. You weren’t there and you’re not here and days like this just rip my heart out of my chest all over again. You’re not here today to push me to start our holiday shopping. You’re not here to buy me a much needed pressie since I don’t spend much on myself anymore and wanna spoil me just because. You’re not here to pop up and listen to these Christmas songs that are floating through the air on this cold November 1st. You’re not here to snuggle with Ace while he sleeps. You’re not here and I still struggle on a daily basis to accept that this somehow is still my reality. Life without you. Novembers without you. Halloweens without you. Thanksgivings and Christmases without. You. Today I remembered for the thousandth time, that you are missing from me. That you will never walk in my door with your thick long duster, your red and white Christmas scarf, with bags from Homegoods and Carters in hand, smelling like Calvin Klein’s Escape and the hint of a freshly smoked cigarette lingering in your hair when I come to kiss you and hug you hello. The heaviness of your death is still alive and well and I just realized today how bad this still sucks that you’re still really gone. That we have to endure, somehow, another Christmas without you. Another hour without you. Another minute, without you. It surely is a different world without you here. We have Ace and Maverick and sweet little baby Roman on the way just about any day now. We all miss you. Even when we’re smiling, and trying so hard to fill the ever growing gaping hole that you’ve left here on earth, it hurts. It’s excruciating really. Can’t even think about you without that familiar lump sitting on my throat. I continue to tell the boys about you. Every day. Reminding them of traditions you instilled in us, and make sure I’m passing them down. I hate how much these boys will miss because they’ll never know you. They’ll never really remember your love. The way your presence could fill up my entire house. Thankfully, you loved me well enough, big enough, and hard enough for me to be able to mirror that love, and pour it into them like you did to me, I’ll sprinkle them with love sugar and teach them all about your specific, special kind of love. Mav loves to cook with me, and it’s so special because I remember loving to cook with you. Ace has Grammie’s mannerisms at just 4 months old so I know for sure when he was up there he was being molded by two sets of the greatest and loving hands he could ever be touched by. As for me, I weep with sadness for all the things I’m missing out by not still having my best friend by my side. I want you to know I love you. And I miss you. And I would do anything to have you back for just a moment this holiday season. My wish is for us all to please remember just how precious and short life really is. Do what makes your mom happy this season. Make the trip to see someone you love. Be kind to people during this time of year. And light a candle for someone you’ve lost. If you’re blessed enough to have everyone you love with you still, say a prayer for somebody whose surely missing someone dear to them on this first day of a very hard season. May God bless us all ❤️