My husband told me over coffee this week “you are definitely not a lefty” …… does your husband do that? Light heartedly make fun of you for something you did? daaaays later? So I threw a bottle of yellow mustard at him with my left hand WHILE holding my baby in my right because POST PARDOM. And TWO BABIES. And SLEEPLESS NIGHTS. HI TEETHING, lookin atchu. Oh my God. If you are gonna judge me please stop reading now. If you’re one to call CPS, please, the time to look away is now. This week I think 3 different times I sat in a parallel universe, honest to God not knowing what damn day it was. I cried. a lot. I didn’t take one photo of my children on actual Halloween. I missed the parade the Saturday before Halloween because I had to work. Still can’t decide if I’m happy about that or not 😂 but I missed it nonetheless and Dan had to get two kids ready and dress them up and take them out in public and remember to pack the entire house before he did so. Because GOD FORBID daddies have to deal with spit up, or a blowout. My personal fav is how a man will get a beach towel to clean up a baby’s spit up while moms are over here like “just throw up in mama’s hands baby, just please don’t puke on the floor. I literally just swiffered one hour ago just PUKE IN THE HANDS my babe. No but seriously, sometimes I think he should be the SAHD 4 days a week and I should work more because he’s like …….. riiiiiilly good at dadding. So uhhh, oh yeah ok also – get ready, I did promise a non highlight reel; I downloaded Talkspace this last week. What is talkspace you ask?! IT IS A THERAPY AP. As innnnn, I went to my iTunes store, purchased an application on my phone for one hundred and twenty six US dollars. So A, I now reserve all rights to laugh at and/or judge anyone who hates to spend $1.29 on your favorite new taylor swift single; and B, it’s official, there is lit.er.ul.ee. An ap. For everything. I already fired my first therapist though and DANG that felt good. He was just not emotionally available and I stopped talking to guys like that in my early twenties. So yeah, the jury is out on whether or not I’m a fan of this ap as I’m in the midst of requesting a new therapist. However what I did wanna talk about today, in summation of one of the worst weeks in a very long time for me, is the power of silence, alone time, and hanging out with yourself. Putting your hand on your chest and feeling your heart beat. Taking slow breaths in and letting them out. Being intentional about your tone of voice, the words you speak out into the universe and realizing when you’ve argued with 2 people in one day, YOU ARE THE COMMON DENOMINATOR AND YOU NEED TO SEEK HELP. In the form of a therapy ap maybe 😂 see what I did there? I sit on the shores of my thoughts sometimes, not as often as I’d like, no. But I do. And when I do, it’s so very clear to me how powerful it is to have some quiet time with yourself. That any one person carries an ocean inside them. There are high tides and low tides, beautiful weather and storms. There are forgettable moments when the sea is calm and there is a familiarity about the shore. There are unseen things below the waves, and beautiful sights sometimes grace the horizon. I’ve said this before and I will say it again. This advice is great and it is pure and comes from a place of light and a place of innocence. It is ok to break down. It is ok to let your pieces fall to the ground and let them lay there for a while. It is also okay to voice the way you feel to the people who love you in a civil, loving, intentional, progressive way. It is ok, and healthy to feel hurt, to feel sadness, and to feel overwhelmed. It’s ok to cry. For me personally, a good cry can solve most any bad days or moods, and a good cry can surely lead you up to your ocean and once you let it all out, answers appear in the very question you may have found yourself basking in. IT IS OKAY, to ask for help. To ask for a hug. To ask for forgiveness. Life can be downright nasty some days AMIRIGHT? It’s overwhelming, it’s daunting, it’s a challenge – almost every minute some days. But then, some days, you wake up and even though it’s raining, you have a heavy kind of happy sitting on your heart. These are the days that God made. Where he places good in between the ordinary, redundant, mundane days. These are the days that make us, that keep us going, that remind us that life isn’t all that bad, if only for today. Because isn’t that all we have? I hope everyone has a wonderful, happy and healthy weekend filled with your favorite and most prized people 💜

Dear mama,I miss you. I just really miss you a lot today. Maybe it’s the new season that has just snuck up on me for the second time since you’ve been gone. Maybe it’s that Halloween is over and I never took the boys to your house to trick or treat because ….. you’re not there. You weren’t there to open the door and scream with happiness at how adorable your two grandsons looked. You weren’t there with little mini cauldrons filled to the brim with candy for Mav, and one with teethers and safety lollipops you would have assured me Ace was old enough to eat. You weren’t there with your witch hat on, and your corn stalks and haystacks weren’t out front because you’re not here. You weren’t there and you’re not here and days like this just rip my heart out of my chest all over again. You’re not here today to push me to start our holiday shopping. You’re not here to buy me a much needed pressie since I don’t spend much on myself anymore and wanna spoil me just because. You’re not here to pop up and listen to these Christmas songs that are floating through the air on this cold November 1st. You’re not here to snuggle with Ace while he sleeps. You’re not here and I still struggle on a daily basis to accept that this somehow is still my reality. Life without you. Novembers without you. Halloweens without you. Thanksgivings and Christmases without. You. Today I remembered for the thousandth time, that you are missing from me. That you will never walk in my door with your thick long duster, your red and white Christmas scarf, with bags from Homegoods and Carters in hand, smelling like Calvin Klein’s Escape and the hint of a freshly smoked cigarette lingering in your hair when I come to kiss you and hug you hello. The heaviness of your death is still alive and well and I just realized today how bad this still sucks that you’re still really gone. That we have to endure, somehow, another Christmas without you. Another hour without you. Another minute, without you. It surely is a different world without you here. We have Ace and Maverick and sweet little baby Roman on the way just about any day now. We all miss you. Even when we’re smiling, and trying so hard to fill the ever growing gaping hole that you’ve left here on earth, it hurts. It’s excruciating really. Can’t even think about you without that familiar lump sitting on my throat. I continue to tell the boys about you. Every day. Reminding them of traditions you instilled in us, and make sure I’m passing them down. I hate how much these boys will miss because they’ll never know you. They’ll never really remember your love. The way your presence could fill up my entire house. Thankfully, you loved me well enough, big enough, and hard enough for me to be able to mirror that love, and pour it into them like you did to me, I’ll sprinkle them with love sugar and teach them all about your specific, special kind of love. Mav loves to cook with me, and it’s so special because I remember loving to cook with you. Ace has Grammie’s mannerisms at just 4 months old so I know for sure when he was up there he was being molded by two sets of the greatest and loving hands he could ever be touched by. As for me, I weep with sadness for all the things I’m missing out by not still having my best friend by my side. I want you to know I love you. And I miss you. And I would do anything to have you back for just a moment this holiday season. My wish is for us all to please remember just how precious and short life really is. Do what makes your mom happy this season. Make the trip to see someone you love. Be kind to people during this time of year. And light a candle for someone you’ve lost. If you’re blessed enough to have everyone you love with you still, say a prayer for somebody whose surely missing someone dear to them on this first day of a very hard season. May God bless us all ❤️