The sweet things in life that happen to me are, of course, so very sweet. But I can’t help but feel a pang of sadness when I’m celebrating something exciting. This morning I paid off my student loan and all I want to do is call my mom and tell her I’m picking her up and taking her out for a pedi and lunch. She’d probably push her luck and ask me to buy her a pressie, which I would, and it would be the best afternoon I’ve had in a very, very long time. 
I can’t believe in 4 short days it will be 9 months without her here. I’m tired and so very pregnant and I would do almost anything to have one conversation with my girl. To hear her laugh. To look at a picture of her and not feel a tornado of emotions as to why I have so many framed pictures of her all over my house. To ask her which color I should paint my master bedroom and take her to Marshall’s to pick out curtains. It’s certainly gotten more bearable on the day to day. I can breathe without it hurting. The heavy cloak of sadness has been lighter, and that feels nice. I can smile at our memories. I can laugh with my husband without feeling sad. LOTS has changed and lots I don’t talk about because it’s just too painful and too private. But in this stage of my grief I finally have found what I’m comfortable with. That’s my relationships with my husband and son. My sister. My brother. The girls at work don’t even know how much they keep me up. My mother in law has been a true blessing. Her heart is gold. My best girlfriends. For being exactly who they promised they would be and for always picking up the phone or answering novel texts when I just don’t know who I am. For talking me off the ledge, and helping me with day to day decisions that once were so easy for me. In these girls I have found little pieces of my mother. Do you have any idea how important that is? These people have taken big breaths out of their own lives and breathed life back into me through loving me, listening, and just being present. Now my broken heart is sewn back together with these magical golden threads that have truly become a part of this new version of me. I can’t help but think about how hard the one year anniversary of my mother’s leaving me earthside will be. Mixed in with lack of sleep and post pardom, I can’t help but be a little worried (read terrified) but because of the people who love me and check on me, and squeeze me extra hard on the days where I’m a mess – I can do it, and I’ll move through it even if at a snail’s pace. If for nothing and nobody else but all of them. Soon I’ll become a mother of two, and as happy as that is and what a miraculous gift I am being given, I can’t help but feel a little selfish in the fact that my mom won’t be there this time. In the room. Coaching me, calming Dan. Holding our baby for the first time. It kills me actually. Downright breaks my heart. But I know she’s here. She’s in almost every dream I have lately, and even my cooking has improved over the last 9 months, so there’s that to all be thankful for 🙂 

My Mama. As we approach another milestone in the wake of your loss, please know how much I still need you. And how much I love you still. I thank you for answering me, and somehow still showing up. And I hope every day I make you proud. I hope I make you smile. Actually, I know I do 💗