It’s Saturday night. My toddler is due to wake up from his nap 30 minutes ago, and the baby inside me is surely going to be an acrobat when he gets out. Read: his flips and kicks are actually adding to my nausea. Nausea you ask? Yes. 8.5 months pregnant and still taking anti- nausea medicine. This kid’s a doozie. My super hunky husband is out making some rounds for his upcoming work week, and I get the near never moment of silence to take a break and be still inside my sacred space that is my HOME 🙂 
Work is starting to prove difficult. Standing on your feet with 15 extra pounds on the ever-growing-warmer days AIN’T what it’s cracked up to be. Shit hurts. I will say proudly, this time, I am all belly and have been the vision of a healthy pregnant woman and I can say so, because my doctors say so, and even complimented how cute my ankles were at last Friday’s appointment. So contrary to popular belief, and going against my former statement of saying I’m the worst pregnant person alive, I’m actually doing pretty fantastically. 
Horn tooted, and I’m moving on. Mooooo-ving. Get it 😂 ok so seriously this is my point for today, and DEFINITELY something to keep in the forefront of your mind for always. Negative people FUCKING SUCK. (Hard CK) so satisfying to curse for me, it really is. Whether it’s someone you’re trying to befriend, a neighborhood group on Facebook, a nasty cashier at target (kidding they don’t exist) maybe more like a nasty cashier at – idk actually a good example because everyone is pretty pleasant to the pregnant girl lately. HOW. EVER. It has come to my attention in the form of a meme/pin/quote how being negative or miserable genuinely gets you up shit creek without a paddle. And without ANY friends. Take me for example. Do I bitch and moan and complain? Of course. I am a woman. I am pregnant. I’m someone who caters to other people’s needs as a CAREER, and I totally have my days where I am a salty bitch. But. This week, I have brought food to my neighbor, brought ice cream to my sister at work, and even gave up my own pregnant ice cream cup to her co-worker Paul because I’m pretty fucking amazing. And know why I am allowed to say that? Because I just said I can also be a salty bitch!
Imagine if we all took ownership of the bad stuff we did as much as we took ownership of the good stuff?? Imagine if you had to? Like ok – I paid for the guy’s coffee behind me a few days ago, (mainly because I ordered more stuff at the window and FELT GUILTY for holding up the line) – which actually once I decided to do so, realized he definitely didn’t order coffee and more like he owned the drink run for a family of 7, and I actually didn’t tell a soul until just now because it’s a rule that if you do good you keep it to yourself. But imagine if I went around telling people this story of my good deed and #RAOK only to bitch about how much money I spent? Or if I told you on the way out of Dunkin I had a bout of road rage and cursed profanities at a car that cut me off? (I DIDN’T. I swear.) But honestly why would I even give energy and breath to being nasty? And then to tell the story about how I was nasty is so super stupid and so super pointless but then people who do that waste so much time on reliving a moment that is SO NOT WORTH reliving because it already sucked once!!! And don’t even GET ME STARTED on Facebook and Instagram comments/bad online reviews – especially the phony ones. Who knew that many grammar police and perfect moms and patron saint neighbors and automatic professionals were so abundant??? MY GOD. I am so sick of the negativity, the passive aggressiveness, the judgey SOB’s, the miserable people that unfortunately make their way out into the world some days, and even more horrifying, the days they cross our paths! Ugh! I guess my patience at 33 years young is really just wonderful some days. Because there are days I want to give my snippy two cents I’m saying in my head a silver platter to sit upon and slap across the side of some of these trolls’ heads! But. I gain my motherly, worldly composure and S M I L E instead and hope that I am the light that other people so desperately and promptly need in their otherwise under a rock type darkness of a life.
So, let me offer you this. DO BETTER. Most of us were raised by strong ass women. I myself? A queen. So I know you KNOW better! Be nice. Don’t be the huffy puffy crotchety woman. Bring a bag to pick up your dog’s shit on a nice leisurely evening walk. Smile at the cashier. Avoid commenting something negative. Be constructive without the criticism. Hold the damn door for the person behind you (and not just when you realize they’re elderly or PREGNANT! Yes this happened to me… today). Take your earbuds out, put your phone down and connect with your nail girl. Look at your husband when he’s talking to you, and kiss his perfect lips. If you don’t think your husband’s lips are perfect, find something else you love and compliment him tonight! Offer the UPS guy a cold drink on one of these hot days. Bring your favorite neighbor a bone for his dog (thanks Bill!) just be nice. My God, it takes zero effort and costs nothing to just be a decent human. Especially to your people. Hold onto them. Feed them with love and kindness. Thank them for being exactly who they are. Protect your innocence, because it’s the closest link to kindness we have left inside these 30 something year old brains… and hearts. And if someone says something to you you don’t like? You have every right to keep your mouth, and your heart, closed to that kinda negativity. And then quietly in a dark corner of you brain, put your sunglasses on, turn the music up, and simply say – Bitch, bye! 

The sweet things in life that happen to me are, of course, so very sweet. But I can’t help but feel a pang of sadness when I’m celebrating something exciting. This morning I paid off my student loan and all I want to do is call my mom and tell her I’m picking her up and taking her out for a pedi and lunch. She’d probably push her luck and ask me to buy her a pressie, which I would, and it would be the best afternoon I’ve had in a very, very long time. 
I can’t believe in 4 short days it will be 9 months without her here. I’m tired and so very pregnant and I would do almost anything to have one conversation with my girl. To hear her laugh. To look at a picture of her and not feel a tornado of emotions as to why I have so many framed pictures of her all over my house. To ask her which color I should paint my master bedroom and take her to Marshall’s to pick out curtains. It’s certainly gotten more bearable on the day to day. I can breathe without it hurting. The heavy cloak of sadness has been lighter, and that feels nice. I can smile at our memories. I can laugh with my husband without feeling sad. LOTS has changed and lots I don’t talk about because it’s just too painful and too private. But in this stage of my grief I finally have found what I’m comfortable with. That’s my relationships with my husband and son. My sister. My brother. The girls at work don’t even know how much they keep me up. My mother in law has been a true blessing. Her heart is gold. My best girlfriends. For being exactly who they promised they would be and for always picking up the phone or answering novel texts when I just don’t know who I am. For talking me off the ledge, and helping me with day to day decisions that once were so easy for me. In these girls I have found little pieces of my mother. Do you have any idea how important that is? These people have taken big breaths out of their own lives and breathed life back into me through loving me, listening, and just being present. Now my broken heart is sewn back together with these magical golden threads that have truly become a part of this new version of me. I can’t help but think about how hard the one year anniversary of my mother’s leaving me earthside will be. Mixed in with lack of sleep and post pardom, I can’t help but be a little worried (read terrified) but because of the people who love me and check on me, and squeeze me extra hard on the days where I’m a mess – I can do it, and I’ll move through it even if at a snail’s pace. If for nothing and nobody else but all of them. Soon I’ll become a mother of two, and as happy as that is and what a miraculous gift I am being given, I can’t help but feel a little selfish in the fact that my mom won’t be there this time. In the room. Coaching me, calming Dan. Holding our baby for the first time. It kills me actually. Downright breaks my heart. But I know she’s here. She’s in almost every dream I have lately, and even my cooking has improved over the last 9 months, so there’s that to all be thankful for 🙂 

My Mama. As we approach another milestone in the wake of your loss, please know how much I still need you. And how much I love you still. I thank you for answering me, and somehow still showing up. And I hope every day I make you proud. I hope I make you smile. Actually, I know I do 💗