Today is my grandpa’s birthday. I would tell you how old he would have been, but quite honestly I don’t remember. I’ve lost count. I know it’s the 15th birthday since he’s been gone but I’m not positive how old he was when he passed so, that’s that. Normally I would call my mom and ask her, so then I could write a sappy status about how he taught me how to eat tomatoes right off the vine out of his garden just beyond the patio in the backyard of Fairmont Terrace in West Orange New Jersey. And then I would go and pick up a tea from Dunkin and a bouquet of wild flowers for my mom since this day was always hard for her, but I can’t. And he’s laid to rest in NJ so there’s no visiting him and bringing him the flowers. So I’ll write instead. Today is heavier than usual. I’m missing my mom, a lot. I would do just about anything to be able to hear advice from her today. To ask her all the questions I haven’t been able to since last summer. To ask her if I’m on the right path. What does that even mean anyway? The right path? I feel like at any given time I’m on 22 different paths and I guess that’s the glory of being a woman and able to multi task, but I just want her blessing in my life. I know I’m a great mom and I know she is so proud of the mother I’m becoming every day, and the sweet, sassy little boy I’m raising with a killer sense of humor. I know she thinks I’m talented and have great success inside my love for doing hair; I was, after all, raised in a hair salon, so I know she’s happy with that choice. I know she applauds my efforts in trying to cook as wonderfully as she did, and smirks when she sees me trying daily to keep my husband happy. And when I clean I can almost hear her in my head saying “you’re such a half ass!” Because I hate cleaning and she knows I’m always shortcutting that shit… But all the other gray areas. Am I living and operating at my fullest potential? Am I really always following my heart? Should I put the Cadbury mini eggs down for God’s sake? She would definitely tell me “I thought you gave those up for lent?” And ya know what – I haven’t given anything up for lent. Because I’m still a little mad that I had to give up my mom. And vodka. Not that the two go hand in hand, even though they actually sort of do 🙂 but I’m pregnant and you catch my drift. Plus, Rita loved her some captain, or admiral nelson over vodka for that matter (insert dry heave noise here). So it just doesn’t seem fair this year. 
Ugh. I just miss her. And I’ve been on the verge of tears since I woke up because I just wanna hear her. Say something, anything, yell at me even!! Please. And tell me to come to her house and she’ll make my favorite dinner and give me an early birthday pressie. And that I’m the only one who can figure out if I’m in fact living up to be my greatest self. And she’d probably tell me to leave Mav with her, and go to Marshall’s and get a pedicure. Then she’d fill Mav with salami, pasta and lollipops (“they’re organic Bree! I ordered them on Amazon!”) and when I would come back Mav would be asleep and there would be rigatoni and sauce and the most delicious meat balls waiting on the stove for me. And even if none of my questions were answered, I felt better, and like the weight has been lifted, and like I was loved.
I still miss her love every day. That might be one of the more difficult things to explain. Imagine your mother. Imagine how much she loves you. Now, if you’re blessed enough to be a mother, think of how much you love your child. Your children. Now imagine the love of your mother with your own love as a mother in your mind. And imagine that love just ….gone. Wiped from all existence. I know she’s not “gone” spiritually, this I’m sure of. But the absence of feeling someone who loves me like my mother loves me is some days too much to bear. It wasn’t a break up that left me with many feelings and a lost love. It wasn’t someone whose heart I broke and had to deal with the repercussions. It is the constant burn of missing someone loving you. It’s the ache of wanting to start shopping for her birthday and doing something nice for the woman who gave me life. The woman I was lucky enough to call mom who was always celebrating my milestones as some of her favorite days on earth. Filling my special days with her love. Filling my worst days with her certain type of love. Always looking for a way to make me feel spoiled. And l o v e d. There is nothing like a mother’s love, I promise you. So if you’re lucky enough to still have a queen walking the earth and she happens to be your mom, go give her a hug. Take her out for a pedicure this week. Buy her some pretty flowers. Because she needs it. She needs you, and you sure as shit need her 👑👑👑👑👑