you can spend your life giving yourself away, little pieces of your heart and soul scattered all along the roads you travel, among the people you’ve known, inside the stories you tell, within the lessons you learn, in the tears you cry, with the smiles you share
and never feel a return…
but when you do, you will know, exactly then, that God has woven these people, these rare and special angels of the earth right there into your life to remind you that giving is always better than receiving and the glory of it all is always worth the wait. 

Happy Tuesday Y’all ☀️

I used to love walking into your room in the summer time when I lived at home. You had just put fresh new sheets on your bed, your skin was still damp from lathering up in your favorite lotion, your breath smelled like toothpaste, and your hair was tossed up in your towel until it finagled its way out of your hair during your sleep. You would lay in bed with a nighty on and wigwam socks and somehow look flawless at midnight on a warm weathered night. Windows always slightly cracked open at the bottom, room smelling like triple lanolin and roses with a touch of whatever vanilla musk you used to spritz around your vanity. I would come and sit on the side of your bed and talk to you and ask you why you watch the most disturbing shit before bed and before I knew it I was laying on the other side of your big cozy cool bed watching Dr. G the medical examiner with you until 2am. You were so smart. You were so fun. You were always so much different than my friends’ moms. So cool. When memories sneak up like this on me I can’t help but want to write them down and pray on all that is holy that wherever you are you know that when I’m laughing I know you’re laughing with me. Sometimes I can even hear you in my head. When I miss you I know you’re trying with all your might to hug me or tuck my hair behind my ear or scratch the top of my back between my shoulder blades like you always would. 
Today marks eight. Months. Eight long months since you’ve been gone. Since I’ve smelled your scent. Since I’ve heard your voice – live, and not over a video. Since I’ve touched you. Since I’ve been able to kiss your cheek and tell you I love you a hundred thousand times. I hope you know that some days it does feel easier in my heart to go on living without you. Until I actually think about how I haven’t cried as much and then a pang of guilt and of course, sadness. But it’s easier to remember the normal, happier times and not just the very bitter and gutting end. I still can’t believe it when I write things like “the end” pertaining to your existence, how sick my heart feels. But it is certainly not as heavy every day like it once was. I feel you with me in this house. I know you were here today with us outside when Mav said he smelled you. I know you’re smiling when I let Mav help me cook, probably while simultaneously hyperventilating that he’s so close to the stove. And oh this new baby boy. I know you’re holding him close to you right now. And as much as I wish you were physically here to help calm my heart when it gets all wild like it does, I couldn’t ask for you to be in a better place than already bonding with my baby to be. Next month is March. Your birthday month. Not mine, or even Mav’s. But yours. I promise to live out loud for you in the next few weeks. To make you proud and as always, to take no shit. To love my family, and to make sure my meatballs are airy. Ugh. I just miss you so much. I hope you always feel how much love is stuck here on earth in the wake of your departure. If I could shoot it up in a moon beam to you wherever you are I would. And I do. I love you my mama. The one and only queen ❤

Sometimes you just need the sun to shine so bright that it blinds your eyes and warms your bones. The type of weather that encourages you to open the windows and feel the warmth on your skin. The days that help lift the dead blanket that winter wears on you, and breath and soak in that vitamin damn d! 
Ahhhhh spring fever. My favorite old friend. I love when you come dancing in so unexpectedly. You are so welcomed. And so loved. Yesterday my spirits were lifted up right out of my body it seemed. Today I’m a little on the tired side because a trip to lowes, bj’s and fresh market followed by a full fledged summertime dinner to prepare was LIT. And by lit I mean exhausting 😅 
It’s days (and weeks – Thursday 62 degrees holler!) like this that make me feel weightless, and happy, and free to share my love with the world. To shine my light. I have not much to report or to say except that this past week has been one of huge growth for me. I’m so vulnerable in some cases but sometimes I unknowingly throw this cement guard up around my brain and my heart and I forget that the people closest to me are ALWAYS worth letting that guard down. Honestly, sometimes I wonder why I even have it up?! This past week o have decided that when it comes to the people I want to love me, and the people I love to love, that the almoghty key to success is to let communication rip wide open, let love fly out of your heart and into the people you so dearly love. Let those people surround you, and of course let the sunshine that reignited the love in your heart yesterday shine out like sunbeams itself. The barriers that will be broken and the ropes that will come untied will be jaw dropping to you. I promise if you find yourself worthy to give and receive love with zero conditions and zero expectations, love will become so great, that conversations will be easy, laughter will fill your home, and you will feel the heaviness almost immediately leave your chest. 

If you love someone, tell them. If they’re on a wayward path, lend an ear or a hand. Even if you don’t want to hear about what’s weighing someone else down, sometimes they need that from you. And what better way to help someone through the clouds then to pull them closer to the sun. Closer to you.

There is so much darkness in this world, and I myself have walked through it, some days I still do. But with the love of my husband, my amazing little boy, my father, sister and brother, I’m okay. And some days that’s the perfect way for me. 
Enjoy the vitamin d this week. Take Thursday off if you can, tell your hubby to, too and go love in the sunshine ☀️☀️☀️

When it comes to a personal loss so close to your heart, it’s often hard to look beyond your own selfish sadness. At the stroke of midnight, my baby sister turns 23 and I’m positive, for her, it will be one of her hardest days since my mom has passed on. A day that was once celebrated as a highlight of both their lives is now, for the first time, celebrated with a heavy heart. Know what’s crazy about all of this? I never thought about anyone’s sadness quite as much as I’ve thought of my own, until this week. When I realized my kid sister would have to endure her first hard day, alone. Thanksgiving and Christmas were hard, but we all were together in our sadness. Some sacred silent cross we were all carrying together. Tomorrow, and for the first full year after her birthday, Allie carries her cross alone. Except I won’t allow that to happen. We said it to each other in June of last year, that nobody walks alone. As bad as it is to have this shadow over some of our once happiest days, I have a strong feeling something wonderful will happen tomorrow. If even a subtle but solid sign from my mother to my sister, if even we don’t understand it or even see it right away, I know my mom. And I know she’ll do that for her baby.
Which brings me to this. 
To my Allie Pie on your 23rd birthday. I love you. And from now on, I’ll always set aside extra love for you, and try to spread it on extra thick on the days you’ll certainly feel the absence of our mother’s love. I know you hate when I’ve taken on the mother role in the past, but please understand how important it is for me to know you feel loved. You have grown, so painfully much in the last few years and although you don’t feel strong or beautiful all the time, you are truly the definition of grace. If I could take an ounce of the pain you’ve been through out of your heart and lift off the weight you carry, I would. In the blink of an eye us kids have had the carpet ripped from under us, and the world as we knew it crashed into pieces around us. I couldn’t be more proud to be a sister in this sibling group of three. Because of our bond we have seen beauty grow in ugly and scary spaces. We have picked up each other’s pieces and been so patient and kind to one another. We have seen sins we never thought would happen in our lifetime, and we come out together walking hand in hand. When one is down for the count, we all lay down for a while, and then stand back up together.
Allie. As the baby you have absolutely had it easy, a lot. But now in the face of sadness you’ve been forced to grow in ways you shouldn’t have had to, but you did, and you are more wonderful than ever before. You are beautiful on the inside and that beauty is always shining out of the dark brown eyes mom gave you. Your heart is gold plated. Your words are few but powerful. You understand me like nobody else on this earth can. You are always my diary. My absolute mirror. The beat of my heart. When mom brought you into this world she provided me with a friend for life. A sister soulmate, a goody girlfriend, a Paula. A pie. I hope today you can find it inside to be happy that you were raised by the best woman EVER. That she wanted you more than she wanted anything else in life. That she prayed for you, faithfully, for years before she even met you. Be happy because you’re beautiful, and kind, and hysterical, and got all of mom’s very best traits. 
I love you to the moon. I’ll always be right where you are.