I woke up this morning excited for the first time in, like a long time. I felt the relief that Fridays usually bring. Though I can’t breathe out of my nose and my head feels like it actually will pop off every time I’ve blown my nose, I felt it. If even for a moment, I felt it. And as soon as I realized I felt more human than I have since one fateful Friday in June, my eyes welled up with emotion and I let it all back out. Relief, sadness, happiness, worry, the bitter, the sweet. It all came pouring out. As I was driving, I had been thinking of all the things my mom would tell me she would do when she was pregnant. Someone told my mother not to look at ugly things when she was with child because being pregnant was a beautiful and sacred time and there was other times for ugliness in the world but pregnancy was not to be tainted. She took this to heart, and made it fact in her world. One of the things she shared with me early in my pregnancy was how she prayed specifically for each one of her children. She prayed for a healthy baby boy first. Strong and independent. One whose love and instant bond would match that of a soul mate. She wanted him to have light eyes and dark hair, she wanted him to always put her first, and she wanted him to be good. 
He answered. On a beautiful and sunny June 5th, 1981.
Then when she found out she was pregnant with me she told me she had looked at pictures of beautiful baby girls. Little baby girls with pastel colored eyes and dark hair. She prayed for her to be sweet and calm, and also good. She held true to her new pregnancy rule and would ask people to spare her from sad stories and ugly things because she was pregnant and hoping for a perfect baby girl. 
He answered. 2 weeks early, in a blizzard on March 21st, 1984.
Nine years later, after doctors told her she would never be able to conceive a baby again, she made it her New Years resolution to get pregnant with a third. This time she didn’t care much what the sex of the baby was, just that whoever she would meet at the end of 9 months, that the baby would actually look like he or she belonged my mom and my dad. So she prayed for dark hair, olive skin, and dark eyes. All she cared about was a healthy baby, as she would be almost 36 when she would deliver. I can remember sitting in Rotterdam square mall with my brother and my parents and feeling disbelief when my mom started to show and it all became so (sur)real. We had a conversation about how this baby would be the deciding factor on whether we “watch full house or a Yankee game” because this third baby would carry some serious weight in life altering tie breakers like that 🙂 
He answered, a miraculous third time on a freezing cold February 3rd, 1994. 
Today, a Beatles song came on in my car when I was reminiscing all these things in my head, and that is when my emotions erupted and I became a puddle. I was proud of myself for knowing all of these little things. I was also feeling really special, solely because I had the gift of being pregnant while my mom still walked this earth. I had the absolute pleasure of having my mother in the room while I labored for 43 hours and pushed my first born son for two and a half of those 43. She was my coach, my conscience, and thee best cheer leader. I know now how lucky I was and am for this moment. And for all the moments leading up to that very day. That my mother had prepared me for everything I was about to experience, for everything I was about to become. For all the meaning my life would immediately have upon meeting someone I made with the man I love. I know now how important gratitude, love, respect and appreciation for our mothers is. Painfully aware, actually, at how important our mothers are. And have always been. 
Last night I was meditating and concentrating on my belly button moving up and down in a still and silent bathtub. I read an interesting fact a few weeks ago, that the eggs in my mother’s reproductive system in which I sprang from actually formed inside her while in my grandmother’s womb. How. Fucking. Amazingly insane is that? As if I didn’t have enough signs that no matter where my mother (and grammie) is, she is in fact physically and spiritually connected to me, and my babies now and always! Of all the gifts my mother’s ever given me, she’s given me some of the greatest gifts since she’s been gone. And though I know how lucky and absolutely blessed I am for everything she poured into me for 32 years, I would do anything to have her just, be here, very selfishly, for me, today. And in a week from now when I’ll find out who I’m having. And in June when this little miracle baby turns the worst month in the calendar around for me. 
So last night in the tub I asked her to give me a sign today. The song that came on was “Here Comes The Sun” covered by Landon Austin and I couldn’t have needed that more in that exact moment. Thanks; my bad ass, queen mother for coming through heavy with the signs lately. I miss you, but am secured by the fact that I know you’re always surrounding me. That you gave me roots, and you gave me wings. And that you gave me a lifetime full of knowledge to carry me through when I forget how to fly. 
☀️ little darling, its been a long cold lonely winter, little darling, it feels like years since it’s been here. sun. sun. sun. here it comes ☀️

Ever sit down on your couch with your morning coffee, cold, at noon? Amiright!? Yes. Ok so when you go to sit down does your dog find a way to come and rest his penis on the top of your foot? JESUS GOOSE. Poor dog needs a mom who loves him. But still, a mother’s love or not, I’m weirded out about the penis thing. So it’s the first Thursday of the new year and I always feel like it takes a couple days to get behind the whole new beginning thing, especially since I haven’t worked since last year. My dad has had knee surgery, my son has had pink eye in both eyes, I have had so many days off I don’t even really know the date but I’m just pumped that all the checks I’ve written out this past week I remembered to write 17 instead of 16. Personal best. Small goals. One baby step at a time. I felt a weight lifted this week. Even when people around me have been miserable I’ve been trying my hardest to focus on me and the way I react to said misery. I’ve decluttered my house, cleaned and refilled my cleaning supplies, organized my organizing supplies and finally put the clothes away in the nursery room to be. Ah. Still needs paint and, well everything but there is no more clean laundry to be put away and for that I am HAPPY. Also, imagine having a child with double pink eye and NO WASHING MACHINE. What a treat. What. A. Treat. Anywho, just checking in while I’m on this positive vibe to wish you all a happy new year. Happy like really happy, butterflies, squeaking when you see someone you love, baby making type music playing in the background kinda happy. Because God knows that’s all I ask for is to be HAPPY this year and for many happy things to happen to and for me and for those I love. SO; May you always tip your hairdresser, call your mom if you’re so fucking lucky enough to still have her, take the long way home and sing your favorite song on the way, wear the outfit you’ve been saving, and eat. The. Cake. Because as far as I know, cake isn’t served every night so when it is we should indulge. 
2017, here’s to you, happiness, love and HEALTH for all the people I love. To keep your own bucket full so that you can help fill others up. Love your people and love yourself. Well done is better than well said. So just do it. You’ll feel better and we’ll all BE better because of it 👑 

It’s 10:00 on New Year’s Eve and I just finished a dinner cooked by my pretty great husband. I couldn’t help but to start sobbing over my plate once I made a realization. As happy as I am to see this year go, I can’t help but feel like I have to shut the book on the last year my mother was alive. I still can’t explain the anxiety I get when I have to write things like that about her. I still haven’t found the words or the strength to actually put in writing or in language how her being gone has affected me and affects me every day. They say you don’t ever understand the meaning of the word until it happens to you. I’ve been able to explain love, loss, excitement, stress, sadness and other emotions with no problem. However tonight I felt the exact emotion that is bittersweet. I think of all the things to come to me in the next calendar year and how sweet they will be, but it certainly won’t be without some pain absorbed into and then released from my heart every time I wish my mom was part of my future. I don’t see a day where I will accept my new reality, but I have found the day to accept that inside 2016 I have learned more than I ever have inside any other year, month, hour. And because I know that knowledge moves you forward, I’m choosing to move my mom forward with me in a different way. I will continue to love you like you needed to be loved while you were still here on earth. I had 16 very bittersweet days that I was allowed to love you without limits, like a dog loves his owner. Unconditionally, and free of judgement. Pure, like a baby who needed her mother for absolute survival. Straightforwardly, so you knew exactly how much you meant to me, and mean to me still. Innocently, so you understood how you instilled the best qualities in me and that I would carry it on for the rest of my days. 
Though it’s hard to say I have found any good inside these last 365 days, I have a sense of goodness. I have a heart that beats for others, a soul that I like to share with those who are deserving of my light, and a mind that is open and evolving because you always taught me how to speak my mind. All because you were my mother.
Because you are still my mother. And I will always need you. I’ll need you every time something good happens, every time I feel like crying, when I find out what we’re having, when I’m looking up colors for the nursery, when I’m on my way to the hospital, and when I hold that sweet and gentle baby that you are holding onto so safely right now, I’ll know you are still here preparing me, and walking right beside me every step of the way.
Because of you, and essentially because the way you loved me this last year and all the years before it, I’m ready. I’m entering my first year without you being just a phone call away at midnight, and as much as I hate that I know I’m prepared. Though it’s not an invite for any more bad to enter my life, it’s a promise that I will continue to be more like you. More like you would want me to be. I will speak my mind and say goodbye to whatever doesn’t make me feel like I did when I was with you. I’ll buy the shoes, eat the chocolate, and love and take care of me so my family has me around for a veryyy long time. I want to be just like you. It will never be easier, and I’ll miss you in between the seconds for all of time. I’ll carry on every tradition you ever taught me and tell my children about you daily. You’re the queen mama, and heaven will be partying tonight. Just don’t keep everyone up too late! You have the tendency to do that, I know 👑
My resolution? In 2017 I’m gonna try something different and put me first. I’ll keep surprises a secret but nothing else; and spread love everywhere I go. The things that some people think keep this world spinning are actually the things that keep this world stuck. For me, I’ll focus less on taking, and more on generosity. Less hate more love. Less betrayal more honesty. Less sickness more health. Less focus on money, more on success. Less worry, more prayers. Less death, more life. Less walking away, more holding on. Less toxicity, more positivity. Not throwing people out, more protecting the people who need me most. Less damage, more rebuilding. Less evil, more Jesus. I will become a mother all over again, I will fall in love with my husband a thousand times, lean on my family, make my mother proud, and continue to put my growing family above all other things. This past year has taught me exactly who I want to be and who really loves me and I’m gonna love those people like it’s my last day on earth, because it damn well could be 🖤👑✨