Today I would give anything to transport back in time. My already broken heart feels lifeless. I honestly don’t know how it beats some days. Most people I think would have given up by now. I can’t even explain what is going on because it’s not really my story to tell and it’s another blow that life is throwing at me just days before my first Christmas without my mom. And that is seriously shrinking me down into nothing and making me feel, well I don’t even know. I’m so scared that I cry every day. It makes me feel so good but also I hate having Mav see it as such an often occurrence. I hold his hands and tell him I’m just sad and he looks into my eyes and tells me it’ll be ok. And I know eventually it will be. 
Rewind to June 8th. The day after my three year anniversary. The night before I had my last planned and official date night with my husband. My mom texted me to say she was sorry she forgot it was my anniversary and asked if we had fun. The next afternoon my dad called me in a panic and said he was bringing my mom to the hospital because she couldn’t get out of bed. She was too weak. I don’t even remember now if I worked that day but what I do remember next in the sequence of events was my father calling me. He was sobbing and screaming and I was thinking the worst. I knew how very terrible this phone call was. And I fell to my knees. My flip flops fell off my feet and I sat too sad and too scared to cry. My body was moving like I was crying but the tears were absent. I felt just as weak as she did. And I remember voicing to Dan how hard this was going to be and how scared I felt. I remember thinking in my head how I can’t have a funeral card with my mother’s name on it. How that would end me for sure. 
Truth is. Present day. I’m not sure how I’m doing. People tell me I’m strong but I know how weak I feel. I know that I cry every day and I worry that one day the stress will consume me and it makes me worry about this little blessing I’m harboring inside my womb. I feel scared. My heart feels sore, like an over-exerted muscle. I have a constant headache on and off in the back of my neck and my shoulders are always heavy. I miss my mom every minute. I shake my head when the realization hits me because I think at times, I still don’t believe it. I try to be strong but this past Saturday night I sat in a hotel room in one of my favorite cities, and my baby sister held me while I cried. And it felt good. It felt like my mom was talking to me through her. Being in NYC without a husband (he stayed home because… snowplowing) and a two year old to keep track of with a pregnant nose wasn’t the best time for me. And on top of it I had more curve balls thrown at me and had to take it square in the face. More weight poured on top of my already cemented heart. More weight I can’t even talk about because it’s private and painful and well that’s my life now.
But I’m going on. Or trying to. Because I’m a mother. And I want to be everything my mother was. A wife. Because I want to love and support him like he does me. A daughter and a sister. Because those roles get pushed to the side sometimes and I realize how imperative it is to keep those relationships thriving. And I have no choice but to deal with everything that comes to me and hope someday I will understand why this season in life is working out the way it is. And trying to say that it’s happening for me and not to me so I can become some super badass take no shit kinda broad someday. 
I will go on because although the people I can talk to about this are far and few between. They get me. They totally get me. And even if they don’t, they listen and speak and love me gently. They send me boxes full of candy and tissues. Send me texts on the days I need them most. Hang out with me when I say no a hundred times. Make me dinner just because. Tell me they’re thinking of me with a box of gourmet chocolates in the mail. Make me breakfast in bed and leave a hot Stewart’s coffee on my nightstand for when I wake up. I feel all the extra gestures of love and usually they come on a day where I needed them the most. To take a break from the heart pain and feel the heart swell. 

I’m going out with Aldog today to finish up shopping and to try and turn this mood around. Hoping everyone has their merriest cheer ready for this bah humbug feeling chick.

So, I’m sorry for being down. It’s never ever been my intention to be so sad and to write so sadly. But it’s part of my very DNA now. To my friends: old, new, and rekindled, Merry Christmas. And happy holidays to you. Please understand that everyone in this world is in some kind of pain. Be it financial, emotional or physical, we are all suffering. Please be kind. Spread a little extra warmth this week, for you and for me. God bless and I hope your Christmas is full of love ❤✨🎄