It’s November 1st. And my heart is inching closer to a holiday season where it may actually forget how to beat. The first holiday season I won’t have the best woman I know by my side. Asking me to shop every Monday. When my bank account said no, Rita always said “oh just come I’ll buy you a pressie!” And buy she did. 
Ugh. November. One of my favorite months opened my eyes up this morning with its 8:30am sunshine through my blind-less windows. And another month will roll in where every Friday makes me feel heavy and on the 24th I will surely sob. And then again on Thanksgiving. Oh God. Is that the same day? Oh fuck. I just checked. And it is. Well. On the fifth month without my mother, I will be looking at a plate full of food in her kitchen with my dad and sister and maybe my brother, surely without an appetite, crying until it’s over. This is one of the days I do see coming, but the stress and sadness in preparing is more than overwhelming.

Truth be told I hate who I am lately. I am an ugly, pessimistic, miserable version of the happy person, mother, wife/daughter/sister I once was. I’m deep down in the trenches of my sadness, at war with the day to day mundaneness. I’m trying to climb my way out of this ugly hole. And I know one day, the hole will be filled in, behind me, and because I’m not drinking, smoking, or taking any pills for my sadness, I know this hole will be filled in correctly, in the measure of time it’s meant to be filled, and I may even plant a shitload of flowers on top of this ugly fucking hole because it will certainly need some prettying up. Or a tree. Or an entire garden. I’ve never dreaded a holiday season before, or a winter before, quite. like. this. But I will go on because I am strong. Even when I don’t feel it. Even when nobody treats me differently because of what I am treading through. People ask questions on how I am, or what my plans for the holidays are and I am so lack luster that most people don’t even respond back. It’s ok. And it’s not you, it’s me, I know. Ugh. This post wasn’t supposed to take that turn but it did. At any rate, my mother I know is trying so hard to get through to me telling me “babygirl, you’re gonna be fine.” And I’m trying, so with her spirit alive in what little light I have right now, I’m going to spend November trying to rewire my thought process. I am a thankful person with a grateful heart that is beating with the weight of the world sitting on top of it, but beat it will. This post is to remind everyone what being thankful is all about.

I plan to spread thankfulness and gratitude this holiday season even if it hurts. I promise to show how grateful I am for everything and every one I do have. All the great things that money just cannot buy. I promise to post from my highlight reel but keep it real inside these blogs. 

Today I am thankful for being raised right, and grateful that I know I’ve made my parents so proud up until this point, and hope to instill in my son exactly what they have embedded in me. Today my wish for whoever is reading this is that your heart is always full, your mind is calm, and your spirit full of light; never to hurt or carry hurt that you don’t need to. 

Happy thirty days thankful month.