Happy December eve! My health insurance is due today and I’ve been putting it off and off and off most likely until I’m in bed eating triscuits and grapes tonight is when I’ll remember for the 32nd time this month and then be stressed out that I waited til the last minute. But it’s November 30th! And tomorrow is December! And despite this being the most brutal year of my entire life, my holiday cheer has arrived fully alive and in tact! I’m ready to work my tail off this month while still being able to fit into sequined numbers throughout the holidays! My tree smells DIVINE, and is setting my mood with its low twinkly lights. I’m sipping on a hot coffee, while my son builds with giant blocks that daddy decided to bring home on blackfridaygiving, I mean thanksgiving. I just fully immersed myself into the essential oil craze and ordered my first starter kit! I’ve dabbled in oils since I was pregnant wth Mav, but this is the first time I’m completely ready to commit. I’m talking with a homeopathic therapist to work through living a life with grief and she too, has recommended some essential oil remedies for me with my stagnant sadness and some morning sickness aid. I’m a believer now. Full fledged.
Let’s see what else. Oh! I’m pregnant. 12 weeks 5 days, I’ll be 13 weeks on Friday (whose counting?) and I’m anxiously looking forward to feeling 90%. Cause let’s be honest being pregnant is SUCH a gift and so beautiful and miraculous, but it ain’t always glorious, and that’s just where I’m at right now. sad fact: I had a miscarriage in February this year, and it was brutal and terrifying, but guess what, I survived that too. Like a warrior. (And about miscarriages – why is it such a secret?? Lots of people go through it – and lots of people knew about mine, and it helped me through being able to talk to people to work my way out of a really fucked up time in my life) And so this time, I’m not taking any days for granted. I’m eating the best I can, I’m trying to make attempts at getting out for a walk every day that it’s not raining, and joined the YMCA so as soon as I’m over this nausea hump, my ass is there!! I’ve even started factoring in a couple extra dollars to buy organic because it’s SO VERY IMPORTANT. I had such an easy and great pregnancy with Mav. I worked up until 5 days before I had him, felt my best while I was at work, gained only 30lbs and it all came very naturally for me. This time I’m scared of every appointment and every thought that enters my head is not always a positive one but I’m trying my very best to stay in the good vibes only zone. I thank God and every single angel I know in heaven every time it crosses my mind that I am in fact with child. Being pregnant is truly one of God’s greatest gifts. To know that I am holding a life inside my body. To have peace that I too once was inside my mother hearing her voice and knowing I was safe, growing all my fingers toes and tastebuds inside her womb. It is NUTS. Absolute insanity and I can never wrap my brain around the beauty that is a woman.
Let’s talk about women. We are fucking fierce are we not? #girlpower #whoruntheworld #spiceupyourlife #kimdone
People, over the last 6 months have told me how strong I am, and how others look to me for inspiration. That I’m so much like my mother. And it makes me happy to write that down. It gives me heat inside my heart and gets me almost giddy. The fact that my sadness and the way I’m working through this new life I’ve been given has somehow turned into an inspiration, even to one person, and that makes me feel like I’m doing it right. The fact that I’m even compared to my queen of a mama is so outrageously awesome to me. I really can’t find words to tell you how it makes me feel. But the very bottom of the matter is this, I’m a broken person now. With every good thing that happens to me, there’s a gigantic ache inside my little heart. I talk out loud to my mom because I know she’s all around me. I feel her best when I’m in the shower. And I say things to her and I laugh because I know she already knows. A few times a week, I break right down and cry. And my beautiful and wonderful husband holds me. And sometimes he cries with me. He hears sounds that come out of my mouth that are probably terrifying for him to hear, but he lets it happen and it feels so good to cry, mostly because he’s so good at just being still and silently understanding what I’m doing. I’m trying to find the words every day to tell him he’s an angel to me. That he breathes life into me to keep on going. He’s a miracle too. He’s also had to hear some pretty terrible things while I’m working through this ugly beast of emotions, and he’s still here, asking me what I want for dinner, running out to buy me peppermints and even does the foodshopping because I cannot bear the smell of any supermarket.
I feel like I haven’t written in a while so this seems all over the place to me. I share some of my secrets here when I feel like the time is right. I want to get all the bad out before the new year. Even though I know I have zero control over absolutely everything and anything that could happen, I have hope for what a new year can bring. Though it will bring my mother’s first birthday without her here earthside, among many other firsts without her, I’m doing my best to focus on all the good that is coming. The sooner you realize there is something greater than us that has the innate and divine control, the better off you will be. I know this all too well and am still a control/germ/neat/clean freak and love law and order in anything I do, but I’m embracing the no-plan-plan more and more every day.
So my message is simple, and my message is this. Be kind. Be so kind. Don’t start any sort of unnecessary drama. Be the bigger person. Take the high road. Curse if you want to. Be the one to hug longer when you’re in an embrace, you won’t feel weird. (And you can probably name a couple people you know that are the longer-hugger just upon reading that) Call your fucking mom. Call your grammie. Hug your dad as hard as you can. Pick up the phone and call someone you miss. Smile at a stranger. Let someone with children in front of you in line. Make dinner for a friend with a new baby. Make a dinner for a friend and drop it off on a snowy night. Light a candle for a lost loved one. Donate a jacket, a present, a roll of toilet paper. We all have those means to be kind and gentle and nice. And this is the time so many people feel low and it’s up to us to shine our lights.
So, I’m off to Cracker Barrel and the post office today, but iiiiii am wishing you so much love, warmth, joy, and peace going into this December season of so many emotions. May God bless you, and bring you a smile today 🙂
Month: November 2016
Blogging from a bathtub 💕
This past week I prayed with a complete stranger. I met her at 5 o’clock, and by 6:15 we had said one of the most special and helpful prayers together. She prayed out loud for me, in front of me and I cried. She said things about me that no one has ever told me they thought of me. To say I left her with an unexplainable amount of peace would be the understatement of my otherwise shitty ass motherfuckin year.
This week was one for the books. Going down in history as historic, divided, triumphant and for some, horrific. For me, the thing that mattered most was the random acts of love I saw, I received and then because I felt good, I mimicked.
Ever save a plate for someone you love? Be it your husband, girlfriend or child? Have you ever left a note out in the morning for the one you love? Have you packed an extra special lunch for someone? Have you cooked with the bare bones of your freezer and pantry but because you cooked with love, it was one of your favorite meals? One of your husband’s favorite meals? Have you ever tried to go out of your way for somebody for the mere fact that seeing them happy brings you happiness?
Isn’t this the ultimate goal? I’m just one little human. A mother, whose also a wife, a daughter and a sister who lives in upstate New York. I do hair in a gorgeous space with awesome girls 3 days a week. I live in a beautiful home in an area where I chose to raise my little family. I’m not a master in any subject or field, not even the one I get the pleasure of being a member of. But I do know that somewhere deep inside my heart, and helping complete the DNA found inside my bones is the purest mastery of love.
I know that being kind and acting in love with an open heart is one of the purest and most innocent of things we can be and do. I know that opening our minds is so extremely hard to do, but so completely. and totally. worth it. I know we won’t always agree on anything, down to how you make the perfect sauce for Sunday night dinner, but one thing we can all agree we can do a little more of is act like a light. Be a light to somebody, anybody. Offer a light even if your own is completely dimmed. Because God knows we all need a little more light. Before you speak, think. Before you act, think. Before you post, boast, or get mad; think. Of how it affects you. Of how it will affect you in 5 days, months or how about in 5 decades. Of how it will affect our children. It’s not hard to be kind and gentle. It’s what we hope for, and pray for when we’re inside our own heads. In the moments we look for peace is when we need to search a little deeper, dig a little slower, and pull from the purest part within.
Everything is broken. Everything has been jaded, tainted or ruined in some way shape or form. But there are little beings all about the world every day that are looking to us to let the light in. To keep their light bright and warm. To make damn sure that nobody blows that special little light out. And how fucking lucky are we, for them. All it takes is a single lovely moment to turn it all around. Let’s guard eachother like we do our children ✨
November.
It’s November 1st. And my heart is inching closer to a holiday season where it may actually forget how to beat. The first holiday season I won’t have the best woman I know by my side. Asking me to shop every Monday. When my bank account said no, Rita always said “oh just come I’ll buy you a pressie!” And buy she did.
Ugh. November. One of my favorite months opened my eyes up this morning with its 8:30am sunshine through my blind-less windows. And another month will roll in where every Friday makes me feel heavy and on the 24th I will surely sob. And then again on Thanksgiving. Oh God. Is that the same day? Oh fuck. I just checked. And it is. Well. On the fifth month without my mother, I will be looking at a plate full of food in her kitchen with my dad and sister and maybe my brother, surely without an appetite, crying until it’s over. This is one of the days I do see coming, but the stress and sadness in preparing is more than overwhelming.
Truth be told I hate who I am lately. I am an ugly, pessimistic, miserable version of the happy person, mother, wife/daughter/sister I once was. I’m deep down in the trenches of my sadness, at war with the day to day mundaneness. I’m trying to climb my way out of this ugly hole. And I know one day, the hole will be filled in, behind me, and because I’m not drinking, smoking, or taking any pills for my sadness, I know this hole will be filled in correctly, in the measure of time it’s meant to be filled, and I may even plant a shitload of flowers on top of this ugly fucking hole because it will certainly need some prettying up. Or a tree. Or an entire garden. I’ve never dreaded a holiday season before, or a winter before, quite. like. this. But I will go on because I am strong. Even when I don’t feel it. Even when nobody treats me differently because of what I am treading through. People ask questions on how I am, or what my plans for the holidays are and I am so lack luster that most people don’t even respond back. It’s ok. And it’s not you, it’s me, I know. Ugh. This post wasn’t supposed to take that turn but it did. At any rate, my mother I know is trying so hard to get through to me telling me “babygirl, you’re gonna be fine.” And I’m trying, so with her spirit alive in what little light I have right now, I’m going to spend November trying to rewire my thought process. I am a thankful person with a grateful heart that is beating with the weight of the world sitting on top of it, but beat it will. This post is to remind everyone what being thankful is all about.
I plan to spread thankfulness and gratitude this holiday season even if it hurts. I promise to show how grateful I am for everything and every one I do have. All the great things that money just cannot buy. I promise to post from my highlight reel but keep it real inside these blogs.
Today I am thankful for being raised right, and grateful that I know I’ve made my parents so proud up until this point, and hope to instill in my son exactly what they have embedded in me. Today my wish for whoever is reading this is that your heart is always full, your mind is calm, and your spirit full of light; never to hurt or carry hurt that you don’t need to.
Happy thirty days thankful month.
retiredsequins 