Wanna Know how I know I’m having the best summer ever? Because not only have I learned all about heartbreak and depression, but today I get to break in my 32 years with a ROOT CANAL! HOLLER!
Kill me. Seriously. 90 minutes in a dentist’s chair is painful to even think about. But to me what is more scary and painful than the dentist is this: (some) PEOPLE.
I’m almost two months deep without having my mom, and you wouldn’t believe the lessons I’ve learned. Yes of course I have come to start accepting the greatest heartache I’ve ever endured. Boyfriends who were drug addicts and best friends turned idiots have nothing on this kind of heart trauma… But you know what’s just about as bad as losing someone you love? Nosey people. People who invite themselves into your life dressed like pretty little sheep when in fact they are scary, selfish wolves. 
People who are more interested in why you’re sad than why you’ve, idk maybe been happy in the last few years. People who open up the lines of communication only to the pull the plug after, for lack of a better expression, the novelty of my sadness has worn off and become less important to them.
I give you this, prodding assholes of the world; My sadness will never not be important, for it is a part of my very DNA now. And I hate that. And sometimes the good person inside me forgets that some people will never, ever change, and that is very sad for them. When people weasel their way into your life because a door has been broken open, and in this case the door is my heart, and my welcome mat is vulnerable, tattered and sad but they wipe their dirty feet on it and waltz right in anyway. I hate to sound so rude and cynical but for fucks sake I lost my mom and I now understand that saying no to someone or something you just don’t feel like dealing with or doing, is saying YES to yourself. 
So here is me saying yes to myself. I have had the worst year of my life. More tragedy than triumph, and somehow I still wake up, brush my teeth, work, clean my house, love my husband, raise my son and continue the role as daughter and sister to the greatest people I know. Because I am strong, I am important, I am worthy of being happy, and with all of that, I am allowed to be sad, and sometimes cautious of people with weird and selfish intentions. For now, I have this special and magical inside information that I wish I didn’t, but am starting to realize that it is a gift to know what I know, and a gift worthy of having after watching one of the most excruciating things I’ll ever see. Although I would give that gift of knowing, back at any cost to just squeeze my mom one more time. I know it’s one of the greatest lessons she left for me here on earth, to live and love like it’s your last day here.
My life is not a spectacle, or a topic of conversation. Sometimes it’s happiness, and Mav being hilarious, and flowers on my door step. Then there are days where I pour a shot of captain and cheers a candle I lit for my precious and gorgeous mother, only to cry over its rim and sit on the very stormy shores of my heart shattering sadness because I can’t make a simple decision anymore. 
With all this being said. I am so thankful for the people who I know are real, and pure and true. I’m thankful for the way you pick me up, and sense when I’m sad, and know why I say no to plans. I’m thankful you are holding tight to my pieces and keeping them safe for me as I learn how to pick them back up. I also know that if I forget the way they go back together that you will help me remember. I hope you know I love you more than I can ever explain in words. That I’m thankful for the ways you’re keeping me safe, and keeping me up.