Sometimes I am so overwhelmed with the  intoxicating love in my lungs for my son. The overwhelming beats that my heart pumps out when I think of his muddy green eyes. My tears fill up in my soul’s windows and erupt down my cheeks. His love stains my face and sustains my purpose for living.
I made this little love with the man I chose. The man I love. I chose him. And he chose me back. All I ever want out of this life is a happy and safe space to feel love, and learn love, and teach love. After all is said and done, all I leave behind is my story and a memory for a precious few who really knew what my heart set out to do on this earth. I want to celebrate the different loves I know and experience. I want to teach people how to love me, and learn how to show what love is to me, always, and differntly as I grow. 

I hope you felt love this year. I hope you used every last drop of the love you have in your heart. I hope you loved yourself. I hope you learned a new way to love. I hope you filled your heart with meaning and laughter and l o v e.

Love is the almighty and supreme connector that keeps this world good. Love is an inspiration. Love is a promise. Love is a sacrifice. Love is a teacher and a student. Love is all we need.

The Christmas tree is lit with a low yellow glow. My Starbucks coffee is fully charged and ready to help me #werk. But all I want to do is s l o w down for a minute and drink. it all. in. The Voice and Adele are both on tv tonight. Hubby is home for the winter and my baby is asleep under a blankie soft and snug. The sky is begging to snow but the temperature just won’t let it happen. My heart feels so full lately, and at times I fill up with tears and I genuinely can’t tell if it’s because I feel so happy, or because I’m so overwhelmed with this time of year and all the emotions it awakens. (#notpregnant)

Happy December ❤️ isn’t this just the loveliest time of year? The energy in the crowds is palpable. Like you can honestly reach out, open a mason jar and capture the magical air that is Christmas. (Don’t be offended. I celebrate Christmas, so it’s what I say) We hunted for the perfect tree and brought it home to “fall”.  We concocted a playlist of Blake Shelton, Elvis and Justin Bieber holiday while cocktailing and trimming the tree. We introduced the elf into our home and into Maverick’s heart. Seriously, he loves him (no name yet except for “him” which is pronounced ‘heeem’) so much that he puts the little elf snugged into my neck, moving my hair out of the way, and onto my shoulder, a spot that was exclusively Mav’s until this little elf came to be. We’ve made gingerbread houses, saw a holiday train in Saratoga, read countless Christmas stories, and went to the display of lights at quick response last weekend. We’re so jolly it hurts.

But in all the stuff that we’ve done that is festive and fun, my eyes always wander to see the happiness across my husband’s face. Across my son’s little magical mouth. I want to capture every smile and every moment because these times are so special  to me. The only thing better than Christmas is Christmas through my son’s completely fulfilled and awesome sense of wonderment. It’s truly the best gift I have ever received; watching his joy and curiosity through all the seasons and everything that comes along with them. This weather sure does help me, personally, welcome winter with my arms a little wider open than usual! I don’t even think I’ve worn a coat yet? So anyway, as for me I’m trying to learn from my new self, myself as a mother, a little more these days. Last year Christmas was different because Mav was so little but this year I’ve really realized that it’s not so much the presents and the bells and the little laser lights reflecting on everyone’s houses, but it truly is who you have, the relationships you feed and water, and the non-tangible things that we are so blessed to hold. 

My point is this: celebrate the little things. The simple things! The glitz and glam of an Amazon package on your front porch….. If you don’t think packages on your porch are a form of magic I don’t know if we can drink wine together. You don’t think that’s a Christmas miracle? Online shopping? Have we met?! 

I digress. So I’ve had my fair share of the misery that accompanies this season and we have to remember that not everyone is going to have a ruby red and gold rosy attitude. Just don’t let a person who has Scrooge colored blood running through their veins get you down during a time that can be so enchanting. But let us all remember together that there are people walking this earth that are missing loved ones, and this is one of the hardest times to get through. If you miss someone, and you’re lucky enough to be able to, tell them. If you love someone, send them a card, if you want to bury the hatchet, do it now. There is no room in our short time on this earth together for grudges and all its trimmings.

Be free this holiday season, and let that freedom carry over into the new year. Can we all agree that everyone needs to come together rather than standing apart? Open up your heart to love and positivity and let it flood your soul this season. Believe in being good. Believe in love. Believe that little old you can be the change you wish to see on the world. Hop down a peg or two. Call your grammie. Believe in the magic of my favorite time of year 🎄✨ 

Blessings to you this holiday season. I wish you health, happiness and so much love ❤️

Do you ever hear a song and get transported into another realm? Do you ever see a signature in a card from a Christmas past and feel instantly connected to that person? What about when that person isn’t here? What if that person isn’t here and the tears start rolling down your face because you know you’ll never get to hear their voice again? 

What if you had known better? What if your 22 year old cousin was stronger than you ever really thought. What if she had battled for happiness her entire life? And just when she was coming into her own she was diagnosed with a super rare and super scary cancer? 

There isn’t an answer. There is just the truth. Amanda Tai Schwab was my first baby cousin. She had beautiful long blonde curly hair and milky blue eyes. She was tall and thin with a great set of boobs. Her personality was like an adventure book. She was always doing cool stuff. She was talented as she was kind and beautiful. Her style was eclectic and original and super badass.

I miss her everyday. I talk to her in my car and in my house. I make Maverick say hi to her so he remembers her in his life. I hold dear to the memories I made with her. I love taking photos of the sky when it’s extra gorgeous because I know Amanda has a hand in painting it now.

It’s sad to watch things on the internet where people are sick and getting their biggest wish granted to them. It’s sad to hear when someone famous is sick, or some poor little child is overcome with a sickness, especially cancer.

If I ever had an inkling that Amanda wasn’t going to win her uphill battle, I would have done more. I would have had everyone I know send her a birthday card, or make a fun YouTube video for her, or find the most amazing special effects makeup person from True Blood and had that person come and hang out with her. I would have called Sam and Dean myself and hoped they would have come and been super natural with her 🙂 

The last time I saw my cousin, I wanted to pick her up and rock her like a baby. I wanted her bones not to hurt, and her lungs to work. I wanted to reverse time and go back to all my favorite moments with her; Our phone conversations and one of the special weekends we shared down the shore. I wanted to talk to her about music, and her career, and her job at Applebee’s that she was so pumped about. 

But all I could do was hold her hand, and kiss her face. And run my hands through her short brown hair. We sang together, all of the girl cousins, and we took breaks with her to breathe in between the lyrics so she could get through one last song. We took pictures. And then I asked for a moment alone. I strung my white rosary beads from my wedding day through her long skinny fingers and I prayed with her. I told her to have sweet dreams and not to be afraid. I told her how much I loved her and how she inspires me. We even managed to smile together. 

A memory never replaces being in the moment. A song that comes on starts out making me smile and think of her, but by the end? I am in tears. I know that God and the universe has plans for all of us. This is one of the only times I don’t agree with the powers that be, but one day I know I’ll understand why her life was so short but so precious to me. 

I miss you Manda. Every second of every day. I wish you were coming this Christmas like you always did. But for now, I’ll sing like you’re singing with me, smile like you’re sitting here making me laugh, and hope to heaven that you are proud of who you were while you walked this earth, and who you will always be. I also hope you are proud of me. 

I will see you again ✨