Your circle gets smaller. Your friends move away, and your happy hours with two-for-one wines at Wheatfields are rare and few between and sometimes skipped over completely. For like, months. (Kellie. I miss you every time I leave work on a Thursday). Your expectations drop to a lower grade when dealing with the general population and you hold higher expectations to the people who’ve proven true, all in the same breath. This is tough, but the sooner you can drive this one into your brain space (and heart space), the better off you will be. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve been learning. People in this world are sick, and mean, and judgmental, and always have something to say. What ever did happen to the golden rule?

So simple, yet we learn how to complicate things when we earn more wisdom, or think our opinion really matters. I’ll be honest, 9 times out of 10, nobody wants your advice. Advice is the hardest thing to take. So really, just listen and keep your comments, specifically the snarky ones to yourself… especially in matters with family. Isn’t family a funny thing? We can talk all the shit we want but when somebody says one slanted word about your mother/brother/sister/cousin, they’re dead to us.

Which brings me to learning loyalty. Your heart is easily filled up by a little special group of people. Only so many people on your call log, and text messages are mostly business dealings; but you still find that you save, forever the special ones, the ones that count. Only so many people deserve your loyalty. Only so many people would do the same for you. I’m trying to live my life where if someone did speak poorly of me, 1, nobody would believe them, and 2, my loyal pal would fill up with fire defending my character. Trust is paramount to me, so is loyalty, but you don’t find me constantly saying #imaloyalperson because that’s the shit you don’t say, you show. I’ve encountered many people who dress themselves perfectly as friends and sometimes even fans of me doing good, only to find out they were celebrating when I’ve struggled. #bitchbye
You talk to more souls in heaven than you care to count. You fight to remember the memories you’ve had to clear out, to hold onto new ones. You ask lots more questions and learn to keep your mouth shut. You can find more peace in a single silent thought than you ever thought possible. You care less about the appearance someone shows and more about the quality of conversation they can hold. Is there anything worse than pouring your heart out to someone only to hear a generic “that’s craaaazy” on the other end? And you’re over there on the other line in your slippers changing a shitty diaper like “no I just asked you a question, so now I’m done with you forever because you can’t even give me 5 minutes?” But you can’t, because you’re not rude so…
Your learn how to manifest hurt. The days of exploding at the end of a very long fuse are over. You listen to it, read it, transfer it through your mind, let it pull on your heartstrings and it becomes a place in your bones. But somehow, in your gentle and evolving soul, you can always find the silver lining now. You make eye contact with people. You send packages and letters to your dear friends. You keep more to yourself. You love like it’s the last thing you can do on this earth. You learn that silence is deafening. You know when to pray for others. You discover that when people push you away, they’re the ones who end up lonely.

You put others first. You’re g r o w i n g…. this is growing up. This is where you plant your seed. You sew it, and you watch that baby bloom.